Changing blogs

I think for the most part I am going to change my blog to

http://journeyinlivingcommunity.wordpress.com/

hope to see you there!

It been so long

It has been to long. Too too long. I just haven't felt like writing in a while. Been busy and just haven't taken the time to write.. not that I need to but it can be a good thing. Catie is out for the night (with some friends) and the kids are out for the night too (but out.. as in sleeping).


Well, God is definately at work in my life still... I feel like I am just along for the ride right now. I think I will be starting an Americorps thing very soon but I also just received an email that a Cornerstone University job I applied for about 3-4 months ago is looking at me and a couple of other people to interview. It seems every time I think I know what I am doing something else comes up... I thought I was going to be doing community/neighborhood development stuff and all of a sudden I am going to be presented with another job possibly. I honestly, need to pray hard into this because I am confused as what I should do. Americorps is my heart (community stuff).. but the money is almost nothing and Catie has been expressing interest in being home more. Which mean I want to make enough for her to be home... I don't want my kids babysat forever. I have realized in the past few months just how much a parent being home matters to kids... I want to raise my kids and instill my values in them.

So jobs/money makes a difference but that being said.. where does God want me? It is easy and pratical to calucalate that I should just take the higher paying job and let Catie stay home... but is that what God wants me to to? I know God wants Catie to stay home.. if she wants to... her heart has been changing towards that... just a desire to be home and love on her kids and family. It is different and good... I like it. But what if God wants me to take a job that will seemingly pay me nothing and then he provides much more than what I expect because that is where he wants me and I was listening and obdiant? (if people donate to the non-profit I could get paid more and that is a possibility). But what if God has bigger things for me at Cornerstone? I don't know... This is a big prayer thing. I will just pray I guess... I guess the C-stone job isn't even an offer yet anyways so no need to worry... I still have yet to get an interview I just know it maybe a good possibility.


So God, whatever you have for me I am ready (I have to tell myself that sometimes). I still am working on just jumping into the arms of God. Jobs for me have been constantly testing how much I will trust God. Like jumping out of a building and trusting that the people below you will catch you... without so much as a scratch. I just have a hard time blindly trusting God. It is a real struggle for me...


So all that being said I was thinking that I miss a lot of the church people I used to work with/hang with more often when I was at church. I miss you guys (Matt, Dave Gary). I realize I have the tendancy to be an all or nothing so either I am in it whole heartedly or no really in it at all... and it seems that can happen in some of my relationships as well. If I am working with people a lot then I talk to them a lot but if I am working on something else then sometimes I seem to forget to spend time with my friends from my last idea/job/project.

So all that being said I would love to hang out sometime! I give you a call!

Awesomeness!

This is awesome! I would freak if this was my kid but this is still awesome (mad driving skills)

Well, its been about a month!

So a lot has been happening this past month. I am now working with a friend doing construction and in a few months I will hopefully be starting an Americorps position with that same friend at his non-profit.

I have really been growing these past few months too. Brian (the guy I work with) and Jon (the other guy I work with) have a different faith than what I have been a around in well.... ever (especially as far as work goes). They just live... well... by faith. I have honestly never seen it like this before. Each day... faith. Obviously there are times of doubt and frustration and lack of faith BUT nevertheless they both seem to consistently try and live in Christ. It is just really really different. Really hard to explain if you are not with then. Especially Brian, he just honestly loves God and is really mature in that. He obviously has his issues... like everyone else.. but seriously. He just loves and lives more in faith than anyone I have met. Although..... I guess the only other people that I know that have a similar faith and life outlook are oversea missionaries. Seriously, that guy is 99% surrender to God in everything. It is crazy and inspiring. I feel like I am finally able to grow and learn again.

What I see Brian doing is different that what I see most other people doing... and it is attractive. I have been wondering for a long time about just where to go with my faith... I just have wanted so much more yet haven't really been able to find where I need to go. This is the first time in 8 years I have found people to share my faith/Christianity with.... that are seeking and searching in the same line that I am. It just works. It is different. It is not typical ministry or church or small group but it is stretching and confusing and loving. I like it. Just the whole idea that Brian is working from is a lot different than 99% of people I have even met in minstry. It seems to be all about God first in EVERY application (yet oddly enough it doesn't seem like it is ever done out of tradition... but all out of a life WITH Christ) second Brian always tries to put his family (even though he is running a ministry and running another business), third he puts others, and then lastly he probably puts his wants.

All this being said Brian is just a normal guy. Who sometimes mixes up he priorities and makes mistakes and get mad and impatient..... but really that is cool because I can relate to that too. I can see why people are drawn to his leadership... he loves God and you always know it and he does things with excellence BUT with others in always mind.

It is just cool. I wish the established Church could be a little bit more like this... less tradition, faith based living (not always knowing where the funds are coming from but trusting.. living in faith.... not that that is fun or good all the time), and always putting God first (knowing God's voice and not CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK when you do something a certain way).

I am just enjoying more of the "Acts church" experience right now. It is new and different. I am sure somethings could wear on me but seriously the community is.... well community.... life together.

Post #200

Well its been a while a lot of stuff has happened in the mean time but it has been a good time.. nerve racking at times but really good overall.


I am feeling pretty good having a 3 days away with Catie up north in Alpena for the 4th of July. The time away with Catie was cool and really nice and really needed... Alpena was a bit... dull. But it didn't matter much Catie and I just enjoyed each other without kids. We even got a chance to go running together when we got home (before Catie's mom brought the kids back to our house). I loved the time away... I was ready to have my kids back by the time they were dropped off BUT the feelings were a bit mixed :)

So what else has been going on you might ask? Well here it all is in a nut shell


As of last Thursday I had my last day at Menards. I was excited but nervous because I was quitting for sure hours for something less stable... well kind of...

The less stable job is working for the summer/early fall with a friend (Brian Woltuis) doing construction/contract work. He has a lot of it and we had been talking about it for a while and he asked if I wanted to do some work. BUT that work is just the back side of what I am doing with Brian.

About 5-7 years ago Brian started a non-profit in his neighborhood (on 16th street) that was focused on meeting people and uniting people and the city neighborhood... in a very organic way... one on one relationships to try and make a solid impact in people's lives. He began planning to do this through his barn he has behind his house (he actually has a double lot in the city with a good sized barn behind his house). He has been working on his barn for about 5 years and with the help of others has transformed a dirty falling apart barn into a very usable space that has a small library, art studio, woodshop, meeting room area, kitchen, computer lab (soon to be), 2 sets of washers and dryers and a bathroom with a shower. It is made for people in the neighborhood that need a place to hangout and learn and a place to just connect to one another.

For about 9 months I have been bugging Brian about the posibilty of doing Americorps with him and his non-profit. Americorps is a government funded program that has "volunteers" (who receive a living stipen, insurance and scholarship money) who work in selected areas (usually with non-profits) working in areas of need (full-time is about 34 hrs a week with no vacation time.. if you take time off you work more hours per week). There are tons of different areas to work in but I have been looking in community service areas in Americorps for about a year now. Anyways, finally after 9 months Brian and I got together and started to really talk about Americorps and working with his non-profit. I was just really interested in what he is doing and I really have a heart for people but don't feel like I need to be in the church arena at the time so this seemed to be a perfect fit.

God really lined this whole thing up amazingly, better than Brian or I could have if we tried. When I first started asking Brian about Americorps he wasn't sure if it would work or how to go about getting that done. We didn't know who to talk to or if it was even possible to try and work out. But while months ticked by Brian met a head Americorps leader who actually lives down 18th street (like 2 blocks from me). He is head of 50-60 Americorps member from California to Michigan and is one of the decision makers as to where Americorps members are placed. Now the best thing about this guy is that he has a huge heart for what Brian is doing and actually specifically moved from the north side of Holland (and a nice house) to live in the neighbor"hood" of Holland because he wanted to really connect with people (he is also the head of a RCA community building organization).

So anyways, Brian has been meeting with this guy (Jay) in the last 4 months started talking to him and meeting with other head people in Americorps about setting everything up and it is about 90% sure than Oct 1st I will be doing Americorps in my neighborhood. This entails me just getting to know people in the neighborhood, connecting neighbors with neighbors, finding out what people want out of their neighborhood, setting up community projects, and working with Brian's non-profit (3sixty) doing whatever he needs me to do. I am really pumped. One of the requirements for for the job is be talking with people from the neighborhood 50% of the time I am on the clock... and I thought... "perfect, I could talk with people 80% of the time".

So it seems God is working everything out. Money will still be tight but I believe everything will work out. (Yet, I still tend to worry... I hate worrying) Next we need to find a babysitter for about 1 day a week... we for someone for most of the days so we will be ok... hopefully :)

That is most of what has been going on. I will give more details in days to come.


Josh

Tru dat

Catie showed this too me and I am excited to see it! I love documentaries and really am interested in healthy food alternatives.... that being said I do like some junk food at times too!

Taking it easy

Just didn't feel like writing lately. Maybe it was because it is hot out. But there has been a whole lot going on in my life the last little bit. I will have to take time to write about it as I am leaving in a few minutes to go to Indiana to see Catie's bro's new baby.

Hope all 4 of my blog readers are having a good summer!!

Things I have learned Day #22

#22. I miss sports to watch at night.

I keep thinking I want to watch sports each night but nothing is on... well except baseball which is boring. Oh, football come soon!!!

Things I have learned Day #21

#21. I am having a really hard time figuring out where God is taking me


My life journey is always on the move and never stable. I have the possibility to get a job at Cornerstone University in the marketing department (with the help of my old professor) and I applied but I really feel unsure about the whole thing. I would feel really under qualified... mostly because I don't know web stuff and don't know graphic design really well and on top of that I don't know Adobe After Affects... so that means I know video and audio well but don't know much about the other half. I would just be really nervous to say... yep, I can do that.... but the job would be pretty good. I think I would like it. I wouldn't like the 2 hours of communiting every day but... it could lead to something better.

That being said I just don't know if God is leading me to do more media. I have really felt called into something more about people and less about doing media. I have already done years of media and know it is not where I want to be right now. I think I am more confused too because I am going to start working with a friend of mine doing construction/remodeling work for the summer and hopefully in the spring I will be able to work with a non-profit he started (maybe through Americore). But a bunch of this is up in the air as well...

So I am praying for it all... praying into it... praying that God gives me clarity. It is just hard to live life following God, because practically speaking if the C-stone job offer came around I would seem to be dumb for not taking it BUT what if I am supposed to take the lesser paying position because that is where I am being called...? I know with where the family and I have been in the last year I would be stupid to not take the C-stone job BUT is that really true? What if much of life is not about money... what if almost none of life is about money but we just make it that? I don't know...

Things I have learned Day #20

#20. Sometimes I get so into sports I am mad or sad when they lose....


The Red Wings lost tonight and I am pissed, sad and pouting. DAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNG! I really really wanted them to win. I thought they were going to win too but they didn't so I will be sad all day tomorrow. And because I don't want to see highlights I probably won't watch Sportscenter.... I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about anything. I am mad right now... but eventually I will get over it... in a week.... or two.

Why I really care I don't know.... but I like me to win and my teams to win.... although I do like the Lions so I don't know how that works...

Things I have learned Day #19

#19. I really love living in Holland... I don't think there are too many places like it


Tonight just made me realize how much I don't want to move from Holland. Often times when I was in a tight spot I just felt like I didn't care where I lived but really, it is nice to live in a great town.

The fam and I went out on a walk tonight, grabbed a couple of hotdogs and went to the Centennial Park for dinner. It was fun to just chill and enjoy each other and being outside. After we got done eating we fed fish in the little pond, rolled down little hills (well Noelen, Soe and Jude) and watched the fountain (and felt the spray). We just had a really good time together. It isn't every town that you can do that in. Walk from home, get some food and then have most of a quiet to just you and your family (and maybe 5 other people). The weather was really nice tonight and the sun was setting... it was great.

I was reading my friends blog and he was talking about those "Pure Michigan" ads on the radio and TV and saying how it made him remember he loved living in Michigan... I love those ads too. And nights like tonight are some of the reasons Michigan rocks in the summer.... I mean we could have gone to the beach tonight and watched the sunset if we wanted to... Pure Michigan!

Things I have learned Day #18

#18. The love of money is the root of evil

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, in their eagerness to get rich, have wandered away from the faith and caused themselves a lot of pain." 1 Tim 6:10

When I was young I remember my mom telling me "Money is the root of all evil" (which is a bit of a miss quote)... I remember asking, "How is money evil?" And my mom said "Well, money is not evil in itself but it can be the cause of a lot of evil and problems."

That always stuck with me but didn't make sense. Money was good, come on. I knew my parents wanted more money, they always said, If we had more money we could do ____ but because we don't have it we will not be doing that. I knew I wanted more money. I knew more money would buy me better stuff... stuff that I couldn't have otherwise. So how could "the love of money be the root of all evil" if it would bring so much more fun into my life. The thought that money causes evil was not computing well in my young mind.

It makes a lot more sense now. In fact just in the last few years have I begun to see why and how money cause so many problems.

First, the love of money is not only human nature, something programed into us, but it is also taught to us from a very young age. In elementary school what were you always asked? What do you want to be when you grow up? And what were the "ok" positions? Yes, they were usually ones that earned money.... and the higher you strived educationally and financially, the better you were viewed in the eye of the teacher (or so it seemed).

For example, Johnny and Jimmy are in a classroom. Johnny says he wants to work changing tires like his dad does, at a garage. "Oh, that nice" the teacher would say. Jimmy says he wants to be a vetranarian. "Oh, that is a great job!", the teacher says. And then you have little Bobby who says, "I want make a million dollars!" "That is a great idea Bobby! I think you can do that!" says the teacher.

Now, not the teacher is wrong for encouraging kids to strive to do great things but great things seem to be related to money in our culture... at least that is what it seems when we are younger. So all my life I grew up wanting more money. Realistically, all I wanted was to have more money than my parents. I remember my dad telling me once that "Staticstics say that this coming generation will make less money than the one before". Meaning, I will make more money than you will (and he is only a teacher... although a lot of teachers are doing ok too). I remember my whole life thinking all I wanted to do it make more money than my dad and then he would be impressed with me. I would then feel as if I had won.

But now, most of my money pride is gone (although I still really sometimes have a desire to make money above all else). I just have seen how much of a problem money can be... how much evil it can bring. I have seen marriages fall apart, families spit apart, constant jealously in relationships and then you start watching on TV and seeing that money was the root of many murders, it is one of the main reasons drugs are so popular (if a lot of money couldn't be made drugs would be more rare). It is just amazing how money seems to in some way be linked into most "evil" things of this world.

Anyways, that being said, money is still a confusing thing to me. Because realistically, money is how we survive and without it we are essentially screwed. We all know that deep down inside... or even not so deep down. It is all about the money you make. But my final thought is, is it really about the money you make? Could you as a "Red Blooded American" Try to live differently, just put yourself and your money out there and see what God can/will do about it. It is nearly impossible for most people to just say, "Ok, God I am yours, this is what you told me to do so here I am... even if it doesn't make finanfial sense

Things I have learned Day #17

#17. If you are lacking in sleep, not eating super well and coming down with a cold, playing hockey for 3 hours can wipe you out.... or at least make the cold hit harder...


I was sick the last few days that is one reason I didn't post. I played hockey on Monday evening for a while (as I was coming down with a cold). Then because I came in late from hockey I stayed up until 11:00 or later... which doesn't work for me when I get up at 4:30ish.

So by Tuesday morning I did not feel very good at all... I just felt wiped out... but I just figured I was tired because I stayed up late. Well by Tuesday night I felt terrible extremely exhausted, sick to my stomach, cold and hot at the same time... it was not fun.

Well, I slept terrible Tuesday night and didn't work on Wednesday but I did sleep a lot Wednesday night.... so by Thursday, I felt pretty good (a bit congested but ok). And today (Friday) I am tired but feel pretty darn good!

Things I have learned Day #16

#16 If you ask God to close doors it will happen if you keep your eyes open


So last week Catie and I were praying that God would "close doors (for jobs and our future) that needed to closed and on Tuesday God seemed to do just that. I was prepared to go for an interview in Lansing (for a field rep job that is in the GRish area). I got all dressed up Catie and I got a babysitter to watch the kids and we headed out on the road. Well, all of a sudden (in about the Zeeland area) our van started shaking and the check engine light came on and started to flash. So, I had to call the guy who was interviewing me and cancel (he was actually really understanding about the whole situation). But, I knew that because I didn't go there was a good chance I probably wouldn't get the job. So it was kind of crappy, but I had to trust that when you pray "God shut door that need to be shut even if they are financially advancing" that God will at some point answer that pray... it just happened to be quickly.

So I am still learning that apparently God does answer prayers... even if it is in a seemingly inconvenient way.

Things I have learned Day #15

#15. I need to spend quality time with my family more. I am often home... but I really do not spend time with them all of the time.



Through conversations with my wife lately and through self-observation I have just begun to realize I really need to be present with my family. A lot of my time is spent doing stuff. I am always trying to do stuff, even when people are trying to talk to me (both my wife and my kids). I often would rather pay attention to my computer, a video game, the TV or even something I am reading (or doing... like the dishes); than actually stop what I am doing and focus my mind on the people around me. This is a problem and will hurt my relationships with my kids and my wife... I need to be paying attention to them... that is really important (I know especially to Catie.. and obviously to my kids as well). Being present in my current situation with the people that are in my life is what really matters. It is really easy to say you are present in your every day life BUT the question is are you present to the people around you....? That is the difference-maker.

Things I have learned Day #14

#14. If you drink 2 beers and feel fine and another guy (the same weight and height as you) drinks 2 beers and can't even stand up; your blood alcohol level should be about the same for both people.... at least this is what I was told....


Ok, I have wondered this for a while. And was re-reminded because I was watching a boating version of COPS the other day. So while at work today a guy was talking about drinking this weekend and I had to ask the question. Yes, pretty pointless but I have always wondered...I don't know why I wanted to know (maybe because I don't like drinking, still don't really ever drink, and have never been drunk or taken a breathalizer) but I have always been curious how being "drunk" and blood alcohol level equate. Some people will be over the legal limit and you can't even tell. I wasn't sure if you "handle your alcohol better" than the next guy if that means your blood alcohol level will be lower than the other person. I thought maybe your kidneys worked harder to process the alcohol faster if you drank more (that is, of course, until your kidneys fail).

I am just a bit uneducated in the drinking area (which is ok with me for the most part). But I still don't understand how one guy can be "drunk" and another guy you wouldn't be able to really tell he drank and there blood alcohol level will be the same.... I need a better scientific explaination as to how or why your body gets "better" at handling alcohol. I guess it all doesn't really matter but I think I just want the knowledge because I am curious.

This blog is the exact opposite of yestedays..... lol

Things I have learned Day #13

#13. The church in Acts is a hard church to try to mimic

The are just so different. Society is different, the culture is different BUT what they were doing was different as well... that is one of the reasons people were interested. There weren't too many people at the time selling all of there "stuff" (land, cattle, businesses) in order to put it into a pot for a whole community to live off of. Very socialist.... and of course if you are many Americans (many Christians) the word socialism is a very naughty word.

Now I understand that we live in a "very different society/culture" and that most of those concepts just wouldn't work today BUT what if they would? What if we could and should live more "socialistic"? It certainly in many cases would be more biblical than most of our Western lives. It would involve self sacrifice, unlimited giving, openness, patience and blind faith (in God and the people around us). Now all that being said most Christians (and people in general) have a hard time with self sacrifice, giving unlimited amounts (heck, people don't like to give away limited amounts... its all about savings for yourself later, baby!), true openness, patience with everyone and a blind faith in anything. Yet, over and over again we see Jesus talk about this and live this life style out as an example. Obviously, Jesus was constantly self sacrificial, always giving of himself, taught that people should want to give more, and he was always compassionately open, honest and patient (except with religious "folks") about who he was/is.

I just sometimes wonder if we as the church shouldn't look a little bit more radical. Radically different. I know we push community in church but I am talking about a true community... real togetherness.... more of a everyone knows everyone place. Now admittedly there is a side of me that thinks this whole idea is crazy and impractical. But still it is hard for me to read the Bible see the Acts church, see Jesus' ministry and still think what we do as a church currently is really the way church is supposed to be done.

Things I have learned Day #12

#12. I fail a lot as a parent


I think I kind of expected that I would fail (not do things right) as a parent on occasion but I just realize now how hard it is to really do everything right. I am not always the most patient person. I Can be "fiery" at times and that can in turn lead me to saying the wrong things, reacting out of anger, instead of being the one with the clear head in a tense situation. I need to remember to be the parent... not get into the fight with the kids.

This week I have just been selfish. Trying to use time for myself, and having a short fuse when the kids aren't doing what I want them to do. I just fail a lot and it frustrates me. I know what I need to be doing at home; cleaning, feeding the kids, reading to the kids, playing with the kids, changing the kids.... when there is a large part of me that just wants to do what I want. I just have a hard time breaking off the selfish part of me.

Things I have learned Day #11

#11. I need time with God to not be grumpy

I just realize more every time I don't spend time with God how much more grumpy I am. I am just less patient with everyone, more negative in my thinking/speech and just overall less happy... my outlook on life is different. In fact I need to go read a little right now. I have been kind of crabby to my kids all day... and they weren't even really any more naughty than normal today.

I just continue to learn how important time with God is... I know I have heard that for 25 years of my life but really... people need time with God... even if it is only a few minutes. Time with God is kind of like oiling an old wheel. Consistent oiling is the best but even just a tad bit of oil will keep the wheel moving (and not squeaking). Not oiling just leads to disaster in the long run (and in some cases the short run as well).

Things I have learned Day #10.5

Ok here is what I never wrote yesterday.

#10. Sometimes you just need a break

For a long time I never fully understood why people "needed" a vacation. (Mostly because my jobs have always been so loosely scheduled). But this weekend was really nice. Waking up "late" @ 7:00am instead of 4:30am, working outside in the yard, just chilling, cooking out with friends... it was a good weekend. I needed it... I really would love to go on vacation sometime.... not working full time at any job never gives you options to get vacation (well I could but then I wouldn't be able to pay bills). So time off is nice!

Things I have learned Day #9-10

Since I forgot to write Friday, I have 2 for today


#9. Watch what you say

As most people know I love to talk. I talk about everything. It is how I process everything. But lately (this past week) I have just been reading and talking to Catie watching what we say. One morning last week before I went into work, I randomly opened my Bible and read a verse in Proverbs (I forgot the verse) that basically said the person that speaks will get into trouble while the person who is silent is wise. And that verse just made me think, "should I be quiet more than I am?". So I thought about that all week and randomly Catie and I had a conversation about the same thing. It has just made me think again about how much I say. The Bible speaks a lot about controlling your tongue. Maybe part of that is just learning to say less and listen more (which Proverbs also speaks on frequently as well)

Things I have learned Day #8

#8. Just keep plugging along, God really is faithful. Even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it

So today was a pretty good day.

A person that really needed a new water heater that called into Catie's office last week (Catie works for the city of Holland Our Street Office that gives out different grants for houses in the city). Unfortunately, due to a tight budget the city was unable to help pay for the heater (as they first had thought) so the lady had to pay the $600 bill or have no hot water. So Catie posted the need on my friends sweet local non-profit site otherpeoplematter.org and someone volunteered to pay for a new water heater in full! Catie is so excited!

Then I got a call from Huntington Mortgage today (which usually isn't good because we have been behind on our mortgage) but this time it was good. We had filled out paper work 2-3 months ago about adjusting our mortgage payment to something more affordable and a guy called today and said we had been approved to get our mortgage payment lowered from $770 to $550!!!! Yeah, what a blessing! And I don't think we have to make our next payment until July 1st now! That is so great for us because we can afford that right now (even though we make very little)! So praise God for that!

Things I have learned Day #7 (oops)

#7. Just letting your wife know your listening really is what matters the most to her

So Catie was talking to me about a small problem she was having with someone and how she was really hurt by the what was said to her. I was listening but my problem was that I wasn't really saying much because I didn't really agree that she should be upset about anything at all. To me the comments made were not that big of a deal to make a "fuss" over (or at least that is how I saw it). So Catie got a bit frustrated with me and asked why I wasn't listening. I said I was listening but really didn't have anything to say. So she was irked and I was getting irked (because I really was listening and she was telling me I wasn't).

So I went upstairs for a minute and then came down and said, "Look I am sorry you feel hurt by those comments that person made to you. I personally don't agree with your reaction 100% but I still love you." I wanted to say more but I had nothing else to say... which was apparently ok because Catie told me "Ok, thank you that is all you needed to say".

So apparently, if you let your wife know you are listening even if you disagree. Things will work out better.

Things I have learned Day #6

#6. I am willing to wait to do ministry until whenever something comes knocking on my door

I really believe more and more that I am called into some kind of ministry. Over the past few months I have learned a lot about myself (through tough times as well as through some studies Catie and I have done). I am convinced more than every that in a lot of ways I am designed to go into ministry..... that being said for a lot time I was convinced I needed to work my way into doing a ministry job (not tech ministry)... but now I am at the point where I am giving it all to God and saying "Hey, if it is supposed to happen something will come up, if not I am not going to be looking very hard".

One thing I have learned is that if I am in ministry it is going to have to be at a place that wants me and I fit with them well. Now the problem is I don't know what I want to do in ministry (except probably not tech stuff) so that doesn't leave me with a goal in mind, or anything really to "aim for" in the future. So I have decided that I while I really want to do ministry, Catie and I don't yet, feel called to leave Lakeshore, plus there is no where right now that I really want to go (I am not drawn to too many churches at this time... or the politics that tend to go on within them). So that being said I am learning it up to God. Something would have to come up and bite me, for me to really take a good look. All that being said it is all up to God, just like it has always been.

30 days

Ok so I decided that I am going to write a "Things I learned" for 30 days not including weekends. I will write everyday at least one thing I learn (as I have been for the past 5 days). Weekends are up to me whether I want to write or not... they are no pressure bonus days if I do write. 4 of the 5 days a week I can write about whatever but 1 of the 5 I have to write about something I learned from studying the Bible that week.... this will be good for me and hold me accountable to really reading the Bible everyday, even if it is a little.


So here it goes. I think this will be a challenge but good.

Things I have learned Day #5.5

#5.5 I like burning stuff with a magnifying glass

Yeah, so I still find it enjoyable to burn things with a magnifying glass. Noelen had one outside and I couldn't resist. Yep, that's right I can't help but love harnessing the power of the sun... I mean come on you can burn a small straight line in a leaf... that is sweet... plus I have always like fire... more than I should


Things burned include but are not limited to:

Ants
Random other bugs
Helicopter leaf/seed things
Pine cones
Leaves
Weeds
A Red Straw
Old Easter egg pieces

Side Note: Ants stink when they burn....

Things I have learned Day #5

#5. I often change how I act around other people.

This is ok sometimes and for some people it is ok all the time but I hate that I do it. I caught myself doing it today with a guy at work. Although I don't often swear, I will swear more often around this certain guy (who does it ALL the time) and with other people at work I will never swear. This is just one example I am sure of how I act different around different people. I just know I want to be consistent always. The same Josh across the board. I think in most ways I am but I want to be the same Josh in all ways around everyone.

Also I don't think swearing (even on occasion) is the best way to be a godly example to a guy who really needs to see who Jesus really is. Have been convicted around this guy the last couple of weeks... just really looking at who I am and what kind of witness I am being..... so far, not so good... or so I think.

I talk to this guy enough at work that I should be able to talk about personal stuff. He says he has a church he goes to but it is clear that Jesus isn't a big part of his day to day life (he spends a lot of time getting drunk and "living it up" so to speak. I just need a way to bring up a relationship with Jesus besides... "so do you go to church?" Christianity in West Michigan is always hard...

Things I have learned Day #4

#4. I kind of like Smirnoff Ice Green Apple Bite

Ok I never drink because I think it is kind of pointless because it is expensive and most tastes like crap... or so I thought. We had a Green Apple Bite that someone left over in the fridge and I thought... what the heck lets give it a try.... and it actually tasted good. I only drank half the bottle but it tasted a lot like Green Apple Jone's Soda... that could be dangerous.... something that is easy to drink that doesn't have any taste of alcohol (i.e. crap) could get you into trouble. But not me. I guess I just learned that I like "girl drinks"..... hey, if it something tastes good why would you drink something that you have to "aquire" a taste for?

Things I have learned Day #3

#3a. Even though I am in media I often hate computers and technology.

Sometimes, when I have a computer and it doesn't do what I want it to do and keeps crashing. I hate technology....yet.... seriously, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have the internet.

#3b. I need to be around positive people, who think positively.

There is a guy at work who is really nice but really likes to rail on people. Honestly, I don't like to rail on people but people are funny creatures so I can sometimes get carried away (just laughing about stuff people do.... like this guy who looks and acts like Steve Carell's characters) If I am by him sometimes it is tempting to go to far. And it is a challenge to witness if you are doing the same stuff everyone else is.

Things I have learned Day #2

#2. Sleeping less than 7 hours a night for me does not work.

I never thought it would be a good idea to sleep only 5-6 hrs the last few nights, but man, I have been sooooooo tired in the morning when I get up @ 4:20am after going to bed @ 10:30 or 11:00. I fell asleep today on the coach for 2 hours or so... it was nice but I am still tired!

Note to self: Sleep more than I have been and the morning will feel better

Food for thought

So I was giving Noelen a "talking to" about getting into food (for like the 100th time) that he is not supposed to have.... this time is was candy hidden on top of the fridge... of which he ate it all...

I asked him why he got the candy and he first said, "With a chair". I said, "No, why did you get the candy?" He then paused for a moment and responded "Cause it makes me happy." I then asked, "Do I think that was a great idea?" "No" Noelen said, "I think it was a great idea!"


Isn't that a profound glimpse into the human psyche.

What I want to know about God

Another thing I have been thinking about is really looking into scripture to see what/who God is and what He thinks in many situations. I think this will get me into the Bible more and help me to know God more intimately.

Here is what I want to know more about... things I need to find out on my own in detail

1. What is the Holy Spirit and where do we see it throughout the Bible?
2. Look deeper into Homosexuality in the Bible. I did it for a paper before (in college) but my research was kind of weak
3. What does God say about giving?
4. What is the Church supposed to look like?
5. How do we live out a Christ like life today? How did Jesus witness without awkwardness? How can to I manage life and still really have a life that is sold out to God?
6. What were the absolute true characteristics of Jesus? I'm still not convinced he was always as "pleasant" as everyone thinks. He was more honest about life than many Christians today YET he was flawless and still loved people unconditionally... angry/brash or not
   

So I think that is all for now... I will add more as they come

Things I have learned Day #1

So, it has been a while again. I wrote last week but never posted it... I don't think I will.

But anyways, I had an idea while at work today and decided I was going to try and write something I learned each day. I think it should be fun.

I always learn more than one thing a day so this could get hard.

So here is the first one I have been learning this for a while.

#1. Before you make a remark or "speak into" someones life make sure you know them and their situation intimately well.

If you don't know someone and their situation intimately, do not judge, or in fact, make any comment about there situation at all... unless it is encouraging. Unless you've been to the exact place someone is in or are walking step by step with them, do not open your mouth or even make a judgment in your mind (it is hard not to do but beneficial to you actually getting to know the person).

I have learned about this in a serious way since being "poor". You would be surprised the insensitive comments/attitudes/looks people give you (friends, family, and random people in stores). Although the comments/ect aren't usually outright verbal slams, people seem more than will to make judgment calls before they know you. Like people behind you in line when you use a WIC card at the store, or when your family members make small comments here and there about you "not managing your money"... (yes, because managing my $28,000 a year better will some how magically give me enough money to pay all of my bills, old medical bills and school loans... on $8 an hour (how do you manage money you don't have?).

I just dealt with a situation yesterday and it reminded me that I will try to never again make a judgment call about a person before I really know them AND their situation (some people think just knowing the person gives you some right to "speak into their life".

So that is what I learned today. Hopefully tomorrow will be something like "how to fix an electrical outlet" or something less stressful :)

Need a break

I would love to have a vacation... so would Catie. I just need some time away from everything. I would love to have some time just with her. We still have our moments quite often of fighting but much of it is spurred on by money talks that we have. But last night we did start another series (audio) on finding out what our spiritual gifts are (I think that is what it is all about).

Unfortunately, I can't seem to find any work at all and when I do get called back and have interviews (like this week with a insurance sales job) I don't get picked because companies decide to "pursue people whos experience more closely match what they are looking for. This was an insurance sales job for crying out loud! (although this was potentially a better one than most with a good base pay and good commission and crazy good benefits. It is a frustrating market out there.... definately.

That being said I am trying to push harder in the electrical or a/v installation area. I am really hitting that area harder. I think I would like to work with my hands and I would love to learn more about installation. At least for the time being. I would be pumped to find a job like that. It would still be techy and I would be able to gain practical skills that I could use later. Who knows. I just think it could be a match.

The hard part in this whole thing is that I still kind of want to do ministry... I think. I am really confused right now. I'm confused about my relationship with God and really what that is. What is really means in my life. I think I think a lot more about that than most other people. I don't just think about God and pray. I really think and ponder about who God is and what he means and where everyone and God fits into humanity/life. I am just over the status-quo Christianity... I am over head knowledge... I am done with Christianese... really I need a new refreshing... something different. A real God. I need a real God in my life.... an active God.

I have just realized over the past few months how little faith I have.... which just makes me more frustrated at myself and at life. I do want to pursue God.... but it is hard. And sometimes I wonder what I am pursuing for... I think for so many years I have sung songs and known the lyrics but not really known them. Yeah, even when I take the time to reflex I never pour myself wholly into the lyrics... wholly into praising God. I think very few people do.... especially me who tends to think about other stuff during worship as compared really focusing. I just realize I don't know if I really know who God is. I think about God all the time. How much I want to know him... but I want something new. Not the same stuff I have heard all of these years... not that all the knowledge I have build up over time is bad. I just need to really see God now. I just think sometimes I have losing faith... and a lot (most) is my fault as I talk a lot about thinking about God but don't always take the time to get to know God (read the Bible and listen to God). I just want more of God.. to know God more. I just need motivation to get there. I guess I need to be motivated myself to find out about God.

I am just not satified with normal God knowledge you get fed all your life and you get at church. I think there has to be a lot I am missing with God... and not just what I know about God but what God will show me through the Holy Spirit. Like I have said before I just need a more powerful God in my life.

Well, its been over a weeks so I should write...

First off, I had a good weekend, for the most part.... expect yesterday I was sooooo stinkin grumpy. I was... and I knew I was. I was being totally jerky to my family. I just felt no real patience with the kids at all. Not a good idea.... I appologized but I should do it again.

Saturday was fun though. I taken out to lunch by a friend and we had good conversation (as we usually do) and the food was really good (it was Mexican from Texas Cafe). Then after that we had some friends come over and we grilled out, the kids had a quick Easter egg hunt (where a Notsquirrel ate open about 4 or 5 of the eggs within the 10 minutes we were inside)

Notice the candy lying next to the egg.

Anyways, the we played a game until about 8:00pm and then I went and played bball for a few hours.....

So all of that said you would have thought I would have been really happy the next day.... but I was such a grouch. I don't know I am just grumpy without a job.... and probably other reasons. I think I need to start forgiving people for stuff... it will be hard though.

On a totally different subject. I do want to note that although my blogs may seem a bit down and negative. I am never suicidal. I just express the way I am actually feeling on here... I am ok with emotions (showing them and talking about them). Which I have come to realize more and more is rare... especially with guys. Its funny I often find myself frustrated with friends because I know they are not telling me actually deep down how they are feeling... I can tell. I think most people are content with general answers from other people. Like 98% of people are ok with general answers... digging is messy and takes time and effort.
Here are the ones I run into the most.

ONE
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?
Burt: "Good, how are you?"
Frank: "ok"
Burt: "Cool, nice talking to you"

Conversation Interpretation:

Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going? (Same thing as saying hi... I am not even thinking that I asked "how's it going")
Burt: "Good, how are you?" (Again, a conditoned response.... didn't even think about it)
Frank: "ok"
Burt: "Cool, nice talking to you"

And then they go on to talk about stuff that either doesn't matter at all or they part ways and say "see ya". And this happens with tons of people... even if they are friends... not just acquaintances. Frank could even look sad but 90% of people have no idea how to read a person.. trust me.

TWO

Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?"
Burt: "eeehhh... ok. How are you?"
Frank: "Just ok?
Burt: "Yeah, ok. How are you?"
Frank: "I'm doing well."

And then the conversation ends or they go on into nothing.

Conversation interpretation:

Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?"(I am using the phrase "how's it going" because we use it in our culture as another form of hello)
Burt: "ehhhhh... ok. (Not very good but its ok because most people don't really care... and I kind of don't feel like talking to anyone about it)
Frank: "Just ok? (Wow, Burt actually answered the question... I wonder what's up... Hopefully he is ok, but then again, hopefully we won't have to talk about emotions. This could get awkward.)
Burt: "Yeah, ok. How are you?" (Yeah, I am ok, actually crappy but who cares. Do you really want to know or are you just doing the polite/general conversation... I guess we will see by his response.)
Frank: "I'm doing well." (Well, I guess Burt is not dead or dying so I am going to take this "How are you?' exit question he gave me and run with it... far away from any real discussion.)

Of course some of that is exagerated BUT not all of it. I think another thing for me that happens is I get asked how I am doing and I actually tell them in great detail and my friends listen. And then I ask how they are doing and they say "Ok, not great but ok." Or sometimes even just a "Good". Then I'll ask what's up and they might say "rough time at work" or "arguing with my kids/ wife:.... but that will be all. (And often times I will be shocked to even get that). I usually then try to get more info out of them but that is usually all the info they give. No real letting anyone in... the less detailed the better.

Just so everyone on here knows. I hate general conversation. I want to know about you as a person.... for real... deeply. The only friendships I really care about are deep ones... and deep to me is actually knowing what is going on with you... what you are thinking/feeling (I have realized this is not normal). General friendships I could be fine without. Its funny I'll talk to people at work about life and family and just get to know a little bit about them and then I'll be talking to another co-worker (that has worked with the other person for 3 years) and I'll know more personal details after just a few minutes.... its kind of sad... and most of the details aren't even a big deal. For example, a person might play golf other day after work and 80% who work with him every day know that.

So in conclusion,
Take the time to really talk to people. Get to actually know them. It matters. They like it whether they think they do not.... it breaks down barriers.... with even your closest friends. Yes, with real friends you may actually have to put forth an effort and it may be "messy" but it will almost always be worth it.
And lastly, if a person poors out their heart to you. And then asks you how you are doing.... have the same respect they had for you and really answer them back.... even if it involves thinking about yourself and problems.

NOTE: To all of my friends who read this blog... this is not a direct link to anyone or any conversation that I have had recently... but now you know what I think when you talk to me :)

Good Sunday

Today was a pretty good day. It was a good time to rest and just chill for a minute. Catie and I and the kids went to WOW Vineyard. It was pretty good. It was a really good message for me to hear... Ross usually does a good job. It was weird to be somewhere else on a Sunday but it was good for a change of pace. We are not planning on leaving our church but just want to try out some other churches in the next little bit... if anything just to get a break from it all.

The message was about submitting to God and letting God lead your life down the path that he wants, even if it is hard. Just following God anywhere, through anything. Not that God is giving you hardship... but he maybe allowing it because you need to learn something you would not have otherwise.

That is hard to imagine and follow that God would be allowing hardship... but like Ross said sometimes it is necessary.

It was a really good message to hear... and I got prayed over. Just to let myself submit to God... to allow God to do whatever he wants in my life.

Just Struggling to Put it all Together

Lately, I have just been in a mental funk. I was talking to someone the other day and said "I just wish I could hit the pause button on life... just for a little while". I just have been out of it... especially mentally. I even don't feel right. And it not just about work. Its a lot about God and my life in general... I just can seem to keep up. I am tired. I know I should "give it to God"... but either I am not doing that well enough (which is possible) or else God is holding out.... in either case it is not working and I am getting more and more tired.

These have been really trying times for me lately. The job, family, marriage.... everything is going all over the place. I just have no peace. Honestly, I have no place to find peace right now either. It is tough. I used to get a bit of peace at work (which can still be the case at Menards at times) but now, it is just go to work, come home & watch the kids (which has it rare moments of peace) and then Catie comes home and I am stressed by that time or she is stressed at that time so there is not too much peace (not all the time but alot of the time it seems). Usually, by the time Catie comes home the kids are in full meltdown mode (I think they are getting tired and hungry even though it is only like 5:30pm... literally it is like someone flipped a switch). So everyone is playing off each others stress.. parents off the kids, the kids off the parents, kids of the kids and parents off each other... No peace it seems. It reminds me of the bumper sticker "NO PEACE, KNOW GOD".(or something like that). Cheesey. But that isn't always the case. I think I am more peaceful because of my relationship with God. But I still, as I always have, struggle with a short fuse... and with kids and an emotional wife... and an emotional self..... I am really in the pressure cooker a lot of the time to keep my cool. It is a CONSTANT battle to remain calm... often times a losing battle, it would seem. I just wonder if God is my peace.

I guess I hide all of that well. Most people would not pick me as "firey or short fused'" unless they really know me. So some people would know that... but most just see smiling Josh. Not that I am faking it all the time because I generally do like to smile, laugh and joke with people.... it keeps me going.

It is just really hard to deal with. Life is hard to deal with.... my thoughts and emotions are hard to deal with right now.... it I really reflect on my life I just get angry and because anger is not an allowed to be expressed openly it often turns into other emotions... like depression or general "short-fusedness". "Pray", everyone says... "that will help"... "read your Bible... God will meet you if you seek Him earnestly". Again, I am not saying God is in the wrong but seriously sometimes I wonder what I am doing wrong (although lately I just haven't spent time in prayer). I am just having a hard time with everything.... I want my time with God to be relaxing and instead it has turned into a task... more things to do that I honestly, don't always want to take the time to do. Am I alone in this? I don't think so... but it is really hard.

These months off have been a total evaluation and reflection time of my relationship with God. And I still have yet to come to a conclusion. There are times that I really struggle with the existence of God... in my soul that doesn't seem to sit right (I think I know better) but sometimes I just wonder. I wonder if Christianity is real... if what I have been living for all my life, what guidlines I have been following, are all because of God or if they just work because they make people better people. You can potentially not know Christ and use the Bible as a guideline and still lead a really good life. The Bible is full of practical wisdom that still makes sense most of the time even today. I guess there is a part of me that has never really explored the depths of my relationship with God..... the depths of Christianity (really deeply... maybe most people have and I am just a late bloomer). Christianity can be an attractive package. Interesting speakers, decent music that kids can listen too (positive hits baby!) automatic friendship/ acceptance, a way to find peace and forgiveness to sooth the soul for past mistakes. The Bible encourages relaxation, meditation and time way just to pray and talk to God (clear your head). All I am saying is that from a purely psychological perspective it could make sense.

All that being said there are some things that just don't seem to be psychological alone about Christianity. Miracles. Its just a hard thing... emotion is so closely tied to religion, emotion plays such a big part in how we react to life in general.

All of this being said. I am not giving upon God. I just want to really find God, if there is a God... which I believe there is, I need a relationship with Him. I real relationship. A different relationship than what I think most Christians have. I different relationship than what I have right now. This whole thing I have going on right now isn't working. I just need more power, Holy Spirit power, I need to feel peace EVERYDAY and not struggle to control myself everyday... just pushing emotions down inside. This isn't working.

God, this isn't working right now what you and I have going on. If I were you I would probably be thinking the same thing about me. "Hey, Josh this whole thing we have going on right now just isn't working for either of us. I am not happy with you and you are not happy with me". So that being said, we need some changes. I am an all or nothing guy, either I am in totally or I just don't care. and lately, I have been in the "I just don't care mode" with much of my life.... something has got to give. I can't hold on much longer doing it on my own. I know I am supposed to give it all to you but apparently I am bad at that or else you are having trouble responding in a timely manner... well a timely manner for me. It is hard. I feel like I don't know what I am living for. I mean i love my family they are great, but in terms of "living as Christ" I am not doing a very good job. In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).

Now let's be honest here. If I were to tell 50 Christians that statement

In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).

45 of the people I talked to would say " You can do all that in any job". Well let me tell you this. It is not true. Either I am focused on it obsessively or I am not. I am not saying you can't witness at work or that no good will come of you being "Christ in the workplace". What I am saying is that I personally am realizing I am having a hard time with the disconnect working for Jesus and working to live. I am not sure if they compute. If I work to make money then that is what I will do.... Work to make money. I am just struggling to believe that happiness will come from that. If I live for God and really follow the Bible then that is what I want to spend my time doing. I don't want to spend my days just doing work to make a buck. Either I am going at this full on or forget it, it will never be as big a part of my life as it needs to be because I will never truely make it a #1 priority. If 1/3 of the day is spent sleeping... then that means 50% of my waking hours I am at work and the other 50% are divided between kids, my wife, occational fun stuff and God (in no particular order... although sometimes that seems to be how the order is) .And honestly, that doesn't work for me even if God was always first in the other 50% of my waking hours. It doesn't add up.

All that being said. I do want to serve God but am not sure how. I don't feel like i fit anywhere. I like media, it has its time and place but if I am living everyday for God, sold out for God, media is not first on my list of "must do's".... you know? So God, I need you to direct me where I need to be because I have a feeling any old job won't do. But that being said, I need clarity and help to find the next steps I need to take.

Hopefully.....

So Catie and I have had some discussion over the weekend and possible discovered an area that I am interested in that is also related to my field.

It is electric and audio installation.... I know someone around the area that is in that field and am hoping to get an apprenticeship with them (or another company like them). I am going to talk to Michigan Works about it sometime this week. The usually have insight into what places are good to go to and what places are not... and sometimes they know the right people to talk to as well. I am hoping this is something I can do... and soon... spring is coming and often times that brings more work for people in trade jobs. The nice thing would be if I could to both electrical and sound installation... that would be sweet... and I would be learning something new but still related to my field. So we will see... there would be people I would be working with so that would be nice too.

I did have a second interview at Request Foods... I got to see around the factory and hear about possible jobs there. They are pretty nice people there.. they guy who interviewed me was nice. But after the tour of the place I thought.... "wow, I would hate this job... most likely I would hate most every day." Now not that it looks like a place that is full of bad people is it just really loud all the time... which in turn means you don't talk to people... you most of the time sit with ear plugs in and do your job on the machine. I think when I worked at other factory jobs the saving grace was being able to talk to people. That is what kept me motivated and able to come back to work.... smelly food, and isolation are not very appealing to me. That being said... this maybe the only option for now... they do have good benefits... so that is good at least... and it is a Christian business, so that is good too. But other than that I thought..... "I need to find something else to do NOW!'

So I hope I can get an apprenticeship somewhere! Be praying for that. I think I would like it.

Apparently, once a week is all i want to do right now. Blogging seems to be work at times... but I also think it can be good for me too.

Well nothing much new in the life of Josh right now. I have been still looking for work and sending out apps, and just working at Menards @ 6am-10am and then on Saturdays when I can... working 6 days a weeks is not much fun... even if it is for only a few hours a day most of the week. You just see the place too much it seems... but really it isn't that bad. I don't mind it.

The rest of life is mostly just the same old same old. The kids are growing up quickly, Jude stands on his own now (when he wants) and Noelan is really close to being potty trained (yesterday he just went into the bathroom and went poop in the toilet.... yet today he poop in his diaper... so who knows). Catie is working 32 hrs a week and she wants to see the kids more.

The sad thing about Catie and my work is that we are working in the range of 50-60 hours a week at above minimum wage and we are not even close to being ok financially.... so my conclusion...minimum wage is not very possible to live off of.... I can't imagine single parents trying to do it.... crazy.

hmmmmmm.... what else..... we have new sound people that Steve and I trained at church... one guy is already ready to go!

I haven't been pursuing God like I need to... or really at all... not a good idea. I need to pursue but I am tired of the rat race of life.... never ending running.... never quite drowning but never quite swimming... and pursuing takes time and energy... something that I am really low on right now. (maybe not a good excuse but it is how I am feeling).

I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to do... and I still don't really know. I know I want to help people in some way. I know I need to be with people, they give me energy... most of the time. And really that is all I know. I keep wondering if I should go and try to do church work of somekind but I am just not excited about that at this very moment. I kind of want to work at a church but really I kind of don't at the same time.

So that is all for now. I just really wish I had an idea of where I am going in life or where I want to head and I would also not mind having a job right now :)

Hmmmm...

Well it has been a while again. I just haven't felt like taking the time to post... it takes to much work and thought... or so it seems. I haven't really been doing any "self searching" lately or nothing big so I just don't feel like writing. I am rally frustrated about life so my blog just seems to be a place to talk about it but I don't fee like writing about being frustrated any more... i don't really feel like doing any thing much anymore. I just don't care. Really about anything. I am a little bit nervous that I am growing more depressed or something because I am isolating myself more than before... Before I always wanted to be with people and now, I just don't care to make the effort to do anything do go anywhere, to talk to people. Nothing seems to matter. Nothing seems to work... I just don't feel like fighting anymore... (we are always fighting for something in life) Catie and I have been fighting stuff (not just each other) ever since we got married and before. I just feel like we can't win..... this month we will not be paying our mortgage for the first time... that sucks. We have both been working more but still don't have enough to make it work (like eating (which we can do) and/or paying our mortgage). We will try to pay some... but we dont have enough for sure....

Life is ok. I don't feel massively depressed... it do feel angry a good amount of the time. The bottom line is that life is just shitty. I am tired.... of everything, of everyone... of putting out a bunch of effort for little to no results. It just makes me not care... I know my attitude is much different. i know i have very little drive for anything (but seriously what am I driving for). I have no idea what I want to do. I just don't want to take the effort to do things....I can tell I am acting different, I don't even call people back all the time or answer my phone. I don't even feel like praying or making that effort... I am tired and I just don't think much matters right now. Honestly, I know it sounds bad. I wish that wasn't the case... it just is.

Hopefully, things will be looking better sometime soon

Time off

So I decided I need to take a bit of time off from writing. Catie and I have been going through a kind of rough stretch and I just needed to re-evaluate some stuff in life. I had been taking time to vent my feelings online more than talking to her so I decided it would be good to stop for a while... well 2 weeks about (which is a while for me).

So life has been rough the last little bit.... I really need a job for me to be sane and so we can pay our mortgage... which might not happen on time this month. We got our taxes back and paid off other debt and bills but miscalculated on our mortgage payment... I guess it is good that we did pay off other stuff but the idea of not being able to pay for our house doesn't feel very good (and is not how we would have done it). (we had less than $50 to our name this weekend... but I think we are getting a tiny bit of money back from an insurance refund... not much... but some). So $50 is not a lot of money to live on... it is extremely uncomfortable... but Catie and I are trusting God that he will provide. Catie is working a few more hours this week and I am trying to work as many Saturdays at Menards as possible (I got to work this past weekend and hopefully this one too).

We also had to spend $75 in gas (plus food $) going down to Catie's grandma's funeral. Fortunately it wasn't the grandma that Catie is really close to... if that happened during this time, life would have been even more stressful for us.

Although spending the money in gas and food wasn't good talking in the car and spending time with Catie was really good for us. It was nice to be stuck in a car together. We were able to really talk and just spend some quality time together (the kids slept a lot in the car). So I really enjoyed that and so did Catie.

Sunday Catie and I were arguing about something money related (like not having it) and she said she didn't want to go to church. Noelen did the most awesome thing. He completely calmed the situation down. He went and talked to Catie and said, "Don't cry mom. We are family and we need to go to church together." Then apparently he came looking for me to try and talk to me too but I was in the bathroom. I just realize how sweet he can be.... it just makes all the screaming fighting times with him more worth it... to see how sweet he is. Noelen is either a really intense stinker (like right now when we told me he wanted something to eat and I said, "hang on" and then I busted him with a bag of cookies he took off the counter.. downstairs... hiding in a laundry basket)... or really sweet and loving (like the first example).... two polar opposites.

Anyways, Catie and I are just realizing how little we can do without God... we are also realizing that are relationships with God are really lacking in a lot of areas... areas that need to be stregthened in order to be in a healthy relationship with God... not just a casual relationship. So hard times are teaching us a lot about each other, ourselves and our relationship with God.

Pursue more

So I was really anxious all weekend.... and really all week. I have no idea why.... it could have been because my dad was coming over this weekend but I don't think so (who knows though). I did realize in the past week I have read my Bible less and prayed less and as a result I have been more stressed and less patient. It is not a good combo. I am realizing I need to get up earlier for work... give myself some time to just get ready and not hurry all day (plus Noelen has been getting up between 5:45-7:00am every morning so I need to beat him getting up... so he doesn't get into everything).... like this morning.... when I woke up, I went downstairs to see a silohotte of him stop dead in his tracks (as he saw me) and then take off running as fast as he could into the bathroom; slamming the door behind him. Of course at this point, I run after him and open the bathroom door and see what he has. He had been into Catie's pursue and was eating her gum.... I wasn't too mad about that... It was a bit frustrating but more humorous.

He is funny about trying to hide things he does now. He will get something and hide under the table. Or yesterday he went into the kitchen and took the whole container of raisins and put them in his bowl. I wouldn't have noticed if he hadden't been trying to cover his bowl up (that I gave him earlier). If he would have just acted natural... I wouldn't have noticed but because when I came in the room he tried not to look at me and was using both hands to cover his bowl... I knew something was up. And later I paid for his mistake with 3 messy poop diapers... too many raisins....

Every time he hides I always think of the story of Adam and Eve trying to hide from God in the garden. It is funny.. well not really but kind of. Because it is not like God didn't know what was going on... come on he is God. He is like the ultimate parent... nothing gets by him. So when all of a sudden your children are hiding from you, and wearing clothes.... you quickly figure out they did something stupid... something they shouldn't have done. It just makes me remember that you can hide nothing from God. (not that I have tons of secrets). But for me something I struggle with sometimes is anger... I keep it inside a lot but still... God knows my heart. He know the words that God through my mind.... he know my angry thoughts, my lustful thoughts, my prideful and selfish thoughts... all of them.

I think as I go through this week I need to really remember to start out every prayer with a time of repentance.... when Catie and I went through that audio series together I think that was the best pray of it.... during every prayer time there was a repentance time... it just cleared the lines between me and God... I could feel it.

So as I move on this week I need to remember to submit to God, and send time with him. Be COMPLETELY open to him. Telling him all of me.

This week

This week really flew by... I think in a good way. I always look forward to the weekend... and I am looking forward to this weekend (for the most part).

This week was not a great week in the pursuing God week. I just was busy with a lot of other stuff and didn't stop and take the time to really pray and seek God in my week... and as a result life felt a bit more rushed and I felt a bit more anxious.... not a good idea. After spending time with God your life shows a difference when you have spent no time doing it. I can feel it. I can see it in how I react to situations.. how I react to my wife and kids and friends. The world just looks different when you are plugged into God; when you tap into the God power supply... when you actually rely on God for every single day... rely on him for your "daily bread"... each and everyday. It is hard when you stop making your plans... rip them up and throw them away and just go where the wind (God) blows you. Let me tell you living in that.. living in that everyday.... is hard.... but so freeing. It is an unbelievable feeling to just let go and free fall.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was telling me about how much his life has changed since he just let go. He works as a independent contractor and has a little house church that he leads... so income is not exactly as steady as it gets. He said that it took him a while to get into the groove of things... to really let go... he said it was really hard for his wife too, to not have that constant security. But now, now he says it is great and freeing (and his wife is more laid back about it than he is) and in a lot of ways a lot more biblical (not that you have to live that way). He just said that in the bible it talks about putting all of your faith in God... to let him lead you daily.. going where he wants you to, talking to who he wants you to, taking time to listen and seek. He said, "I just think in American culture 90% of people, including Christians, have no idea what it means to live with total faith in God.

Imagine living in total abandonment to God... total abandonment; meaning you through out everything. You threw out the norm of what culture thinks you need.. you threw out the norm of the what you think you need, you threw out the norm of the way you are "supposed" to act and just was lead by the Holy Spirit. That would be hard. I have seen some of the fruits of it though.... and they are tasty! So I went on to ask my friend, "Do you think that everyone could give up all they have and just let God lead? Is everyone called to that? Because in some ways I think it takes a certain personality to do that....". And I still do wonder if everyone is called to let go.

The funny thing for me is that I an using all of these phrases that Christians use "Let go and let God", "Giving everything to God", "Living by the Spirit".... yep... I heard it a thousand times before... but really 99% of Christians have no idea what that means. They might for a portion of their lives; in the hard times, a time when a loved one is sick or hurt, a time when things are financially tight.... but never a life style change. I don't even think a lot of pastors (that use these phrases) know what that means. It is a complete and total reversal of what our culture is (and most pastors live very similar lives to the rest of the culture). It is a complete and total reversal of what we as Americans think a normal life is... we live by "kind of" faith in God.... and in "kind of faith" we realize when it comes down too it, we lack real faith (I sure did/do). Now I am not saying people don't believe in God, or have faith that there is a God, or love God less, but they ultimately have never had to go into full reliance on God... a total change in mentality (because lets be honest the natural thing of us to do as humans is try to fix the situations that aren't working for them, in fact the idea of giving everything up to God is kind of counter intuitive.)

All of this has reminded me of two parts of scripture this week. The first on is Phil 4:12-13

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I have been thinking about this verse a lot in our financially hard time, it just makes sense to me more now than ever before... an talks about just finding contentment (which I didn't have even when I had more money). The second passage is the one about the Rich Young man

²¹Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." ²²When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. ²³Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. ²⁴Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." ²⁵When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"²⁶Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I know it is hard not to put any of my faith in money... it is really hard... I still do it. But I am trying to let go of all of that. An be completely counter intuitive and just follow God each day... and focus on that day alone which bring to me tomy all time favorite passage

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b]">[b]?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Only now I am really learning what this means.... it is a challenge but good for me. Hopefully I can become a counter intuitive Christian

One of those days

Yeah, it is a bummer day today. Just bummed about life today. This weekend was hard for some reason. I just went into it nervous about my future... nervous more about my families future.. nervous about money. I know that I haven't been seeking God in the way I need to be... putting all of my faith in him. I am still looking for jobs, still applying for jobs (even those I don't really want), and still trying to figure out what the heck is next for me in life. I think I am frustrated because I don't really have any idea what is next in life... that Catie and I had a big fight this weekend which revealed a lot about feelings about certain issues in life. I also hate the fact that she wants to work less and she is scared all the time about paying bills and where more money is going to come from... I think I am a bit scared to but a lot more of the pressure I feel is because I really want to make Catie feel comfortable.

I just don't get it all. I know the economy plays a big roll in everything but seriously... I have NO PLAN to go anywhere. Here is the bottom line, just doing media is not interesting to me a lot of the time... most of the time. PLus my media experience is good enough to get me into another church... but still at the bottom rung. I think seriously, I have been doing video and audio for 4-5 years professionally... if that was a pastor or youth leader a lot more churches would want me... but there are a lot less churches with video guys... then pastors :)

So the question is where do I go now? Where do I head? I will do whatever for a year BUT I have been doing jobs for the past few years that don't really have room for growth and that has left me where I am now... with no job and apparently not enough experience to get a job that actually pays for experience. I am glad I had the experience in media because I now have a better idea of what I want to do.. but still I need a job now that points me somewhere. I can't be 30 and still be making $20,000 or less a year. And I am a person that needs to at least relatively enjoy his job... I think most people do. I need to look to my future... I don't need to start at the bottom rung of a media job that I don't want to be at, making no more money than I am now. It needs to make sense... but nothing seems to make sense. One thing I do know: I DO NOT WANT TO DO MEDIA IN MY FUTURE!!!!!!! I do not like doing videos anymore... I think it is boring and makes no real difference in the world... and I spend too much time alone. So it makes no sense for me to set myself up to go through the ringer of a media job, all while hoping to leave the entire time. It would be the same as me telling someone, go to a job that you make no real money at doing something you don't want to do and has no future for you. I don't need media resume experience (except maybe in internet). I have that. I need a resume that show that I want to work with people.

I feel like I am 3 years behind where I need to be because I spent time in media figuring out that I didn't really want to do it.... at least not in any way that is similar to what I have been doing. I just want to help people. I think that is the most valuable thing that I have learned in all of this. I know I should "Take anything that comes my way".... of course that is easier said than done. It would be no problem if I didn't have kids... but I do... and that is a factor. If I get a job @ $12 an hour and have to drive any distance at all and pay for babysitting (which is at the lowest amount $9 hr for 3 kids plus gas). I just can see it making sense. If Catie was making more money.. it would be different. If either of us had a flexible job it would be different... it is just hard. I am not looking for the perfect job as that clearly will not happened an I have known that for a while (perfect would be 40-50k a year, with good benefits and me working helping people).

So all of this said. Nothing makes sense. I still have been slowly reading Ecclesiastes and that is the theme the whole time. The world don't make sense. Life doesn't make sense... really there is no point. Except to serve God and praise God. It is hard to comprehend but all of this life and all of it hardships don't really have to do with the person or the personallity. It all lead to the same place... death. What matters is your life center around God.. because ultimately in the future that is what matters.

I think that is what I need to remember in all of this. If God tells me "Pursue me" and I don't do it and then feel more stressed. It seems quiet obvious what the problem is... I am not following the instuctions of God.... whether they seem foolish or not. Logically I should be freaking out but God just said, "Pursue me" and apparently that means he will take care of the rest. Ok God... my eggs are in your basket. Just allow me to trust that you won't drop them.

Another Sunny day

So Catie and I were talking yesterday about jobs and life and attitude about life... it was a good conversation. We just both realized that we feel there is something better coming for us soon. She has been feeling stressed about bills lately but I just am at peace with most stuff right now. I am nervous about finding a job and really want to find a job BUT I am just taking it one day at a time and not freaking out about anything right now. Am I stressed... yeah, a little. But I need to just focus on God and be diligent in looking for a job but not crazy about looking for a job.

In fact Catie and I went to a job fair thing at Ridge Point yesterday evening and it was really helpful. We got to talk to insurance people and Michigan Works people. It was good. I think I might be getting a job at the Census office or with the Census agency because that starts this year/next year. It is a government job so they pay pretty well and have good benefit and give a lot of time off. I had called them twice and they called back days later and then I would call again and they would call back a week later (again when I was working). So apparently if you miss their call they give you the same number you originally called and you then start over .... every since time. So if I miss their call... then I have to go to the back of the line AGAIN. Stupid setup. But the Michigan Works lady said she was going to call the head guy today anyways and because I had a college degree I would be of higher interest... so here's to hoping!

Yet at the same time I am in process of talking to a non-profit about doing Americorps with them full-time. But it isn't setup yet which will probably take 3 months... at least that is what it said online at the Americorps website. I would personally rather do the Americorps one.... I think. But the insurance and more money would be more nice... and I think if I passed the test they give I could have a job right away. I guess it all depends on how everything works out. It would seem that the Census make the most sense BUT I guess if I was offered the job it would depend on pay and so forth.

I know the Americorps job is not really good pay at all BUT it would lead to bigger things... make me more marketable in the field I like (social services/ministry stuff). It only would pay around $900-$1000 a month but that is not full-time (I would still work at Menards), it is crazy flexible and would would pay for my insurance, $6,000 to pay off student loans, and pay for babysitting. Plus it is right up my alley as far as things I want to do in life.

The Census on the other hand job would pay $11-$15 an hour, at least, and give me good benefits and a lot of holidays... and I would know more if it came up. I hopefully would get in a position where I work with people and not with data. I would rather go door to door gathering data than sit in an office all day.

So we will see how it all pans out but I believe that God is in control and I have a peace that he is. I know he is bigger than what is going on here. I believe he is bigger than me... I am learning a lot and still working to "Pursue" him with all of me. (I am working on that but it is always on my mind). So as always, I leave this in God's hands.

Sunny day

Wow, I just read over my last post... the typos were awesome!

Anywho.....

Just taking sometime by myself to chill out and blog. The kids are in bed ... I don't remember the last time all 3 kids were in bed at the same time.

If fell kind of stressed out right now (like I am supposed to be frantically doing something.. as I have been for 2 weeks). But I am just trying to relax and enjoy the sun.. of course with the sun always comes cold weather or so it seems... the clouds are no fun but they keep it warmer. So would you rather have it cold and sunny or warmer and cloudy... I think I will take cold and sunny... it reminds me of spring more.... I miss spring... :) It is coming.


It has been a long winter and I hope that spring brings something new... warmth... a job. I just am ready for refreshing. Something new... I am excited about what is around the corner... even though I have no idea what it holds. I know it will be better... I just have that hope... I have faith that things will look up in time. I think a big part of really wanting a good job is wanting Catie to be able to be home more. She wants to be home more and she tells me that a lot. And honestly I want that for her. I want her to be able to stay home more if she wants.... she needs some kind of a job (as she needs a chance to get out more) but she misses the kids. Which is really cool.. considering she was never like that before. She always thought she would want to work full time but she really wants just be at home more... I would like that too.

So hopefully God has something for me.... but still I do appreciate what I have learned in this time off.

Well...

So its been a while it seems. I have thought about writing quite a few time but haven't had the time. Last week I edited a wedding everyday of the week and was working 12 hr days (from Menards to kids back to video editing), so it was a stressful week. It was stressful enough to where I was clinching my teeth... I can feel it in my jaw the last 2 days. I have just been stressed again. I still do need a job of some sort. I think I am going to be working doing Americorps with a friend in our near by neighborhood... but that is still a couple of months away at this point.... hopefuly sooner but probably not. Because of lack of work and some medical bill we are behind on some stuff and that makes it harder to take a job that doesn't pay much. I am just trusting that God knows what is best... (and in my busy week I forgot to really pursue God). I just know that God has this whole thing under control... the whole economy. It is up to God to take care of it.

I just feel a bit like I am drowning with a lack of money.... mostly due to medical bills that the insurance has decided not to cover. We have been fighting with them for 6 months on this issue and we kept going back and forth but finally they decided that they didn't have to cover by bill to the emergency room due to a "pre-existing condition" so now it is up to me to pay 1000+ dollars back to the hospital.... plus my vasetomy bill as well (I knew about the vasectomy but was told by the doctor it would cost less.... and then because they didn't cover the vasectomy and it was the medicine that caused the allergic reaction to medicine that was given for it). So that is that I guess. I am just tired of fighting... we have been fighting with someone about something since we have been married (now we are in the process of fighting about our roof and siding because the guy who did it did a crappy job... so now we may be going to small claims court about it... oh what fun!

So Catie and I have been discussing what skills we need to have to get ahead in the world. What jobs are around and not going anywhere? Medical and Internet... those are the two big ones. So since neither of us are into medical stuff we realize that learning internet design and programming might be the bext best step for us. So we have been looking into classes (we can get a bunch of financial help wiht school under the "No worker left behind" thing that the state does... that is one option. We also know that in oder to do a lot of that we need software too (and most likely a different computer so I can work at home on video stuff too). And yesterday we found a great deal on a computer and all the software I want already on the computer (on craigslist). I called the guy and he said he works at a Seventh day Adventist church on 32nd. But the more i looked into the computer and software the more I wondered if it was legal software. He said it was legal and for him it is legal... he had all the copies of the software BUT he wasn't going to give me any of the licenses or discs... so technically I would still be using his software on my computer... he had multiple computer licenses (because he works at a church) but legally those multiple computer licenses have to stay in the same building. I told his this after I research it but he didn't seem to care. It was probably $4,500 computer and software for like $1,500..... arrrrrggggggggggggggg... it was a too good to be true deal. I could have done it and never gotten caught because the license and software is legal and legit BUT me having on my computer is not.. it would be like if a friend gave it to me. The guy selling it said "Its like I am say it is ok to share with you". And I just thought.... nope its not ok... but crap was tht ever tempting... it still is. that is a great deal... it had everything I wanted and needed already there because he did the same stuff I do.... bummer!!!! But I chose the better way I think. I probably will never get a deallike that again and in fact my never find that software for cheap but I just have to trust that it is the right thing. It is just very hard to make the right decision. But I know I did. It just wasn't a fun one. Sometimes I wonder why I do it... but I guess it it more about God then what I want.

So I am attempting not to be stressed out. I need to spend more time with God. In prayer and listening. I also want to spend time with Catie again praying each night... it was amazing and really made us feel closer. Yeah, this weekend and week I jusr realize how important my family and wife is to me. I missed them a lot this week (in my franticness).

But all in all I am trying to live by faith. I am trying to believe and trust that God has a plan for me that is bigger than myself. I am trying to be satisfied in my situation. It is hard but good.