Need a break

I would love to have a vacation... so would Catie. I just need some time away from everything. I would love to have some time just with her. We still have our moments quite often of fighting but much of it is spurred on by money talks that we have. But last night we did start another series (audio) on finding out what our spiritual gifts are (I think that is what it is all about).

Unfortunately, I can't seem to find any work at all and when I do get called back and have interviews (like this week with a insurance sales job) I don't get picked because companies decide to "pursue people whos experience more closely match what they are looking for. This was an insurance sales job for crying out loud! (although this was potentially a better one than most with a good base pay and good commission and crazy good benefits. It is a frustrating market out there.... definately.

That being said I am trying to push harder in the electrical or a/v installation area. I am really hitting that area harder. I think I would like to work with my hands and I would love to learn more about installation. At least for the time being. I would be pumped to find a job like that. It would still be techy and I would be able to gain practical skills that I could use later. Who knows. I just think it could be a match.

The hard part in this whole thing is that I still kind of want to do ministry... I think. I am really confused right now. I'm confused about my relationship with God and really what that is. What is really means in my life. I think I think a lot more about that than most other people. I don't just think about God and pray. I really think and ponder about who God is and what he means and where everyone and God fits into humanity/life. I am just over the status-quo Christianity... I am over head knowledge... I am done with Christianese... really I need a new refreshing... something different. A real God. I need a real God in my life.... an active God.

I have just realized over the past few months how little faith I have.... which just makes me more frustrated at myself and at life. I do want to pursue God.... but it is hard. And sometimes I wonder what I am pursuing for... I think for so many years I have sung songs and known the lyrics but not really known them. Yeah, even when I take the time to reflex I never pour myself wholly into the lyrics... wholly into praising God. I think very few people do.... especially me who tends to think about other stuff during worship as compared really focusing. I just realize I don't know if I really know who God is. I think about God all the time. How much I want to know him... but I want something new. Not the same stuff I have heard all of these years... not that all the knowledge I have build up over time is bad. I just need to really see God now. I just think sometimes I have losing faith... and a lot (most) is my fault as I talk a lot about thinking about God but don't always take the time to get to know God (read the Bible and listen to God). I just want more of God.. to know God more. I just need motivation to get there. I guess I need to be motivated myself to find out about God.

I am just not satified with normal God knowledge you get fed all your life and you get at church. I think there has to be a lot I am missing with God... and not just what I know about God but what God will show me through the Holy Spirit. Like I have said before I just need a more powerful God in my life.