Just Struggling to Put it all Together

Lately, I have just been in a mental funk. I was talking to someone the other day and said "I just wish I could hit the pause button on life... just for a little while". I just have been out of it... especially mentally. I even don't feel right. And it not just about work. Its a lot about God and my life in general... I just can seem to keep up. I am tired. I know I should "give it to God"... but either I am not doing that well enough (which is possible) or else God is holding out.... in either case it is not working and I am getting more and more tired.

These have been really trying times for me lately. The job, family, marriage.... everything is going all over the place. I just have no peace. Honestly, I have no place to find peace right now either. It is tough. I used to get a bit of peace at work (which can still be the case at Menards at times) but now, it is just go to work, come home & watch the kids (which has it rare moments of peace) and then Catie comes home and I am stressed by that time or she is stressed at that time so there is not too much peace (not all the time but alot of the time it seems). Usually, by the time Catie comes home the kids are in full meltdown mode (I think they are getting tired and hungry even though it is only like 5:30pm... literally it is like someone flipped a switch). So everyone is playing off each others stress.. parents off the kids, the kids off the parents, kids of the kids and parents off each other... No peace it seems. It reminds me of the bumper sticker "NO PEACE, KNOW GOD".(or something like that). Cheesey. But that isn't always the case. I think I am more peaceful because of my relationship with God. But I still, as I always have, struggle with a short fuse... and with kids and an emotional wife... and an emotional self..... I am really in the pressure cooker a lot of the time to keep my cool. It is a CONSTANT battle to remain calm... often times a losing battle, it would seem. I just wonder if God is my peace.

I guess I hide all of that well. Most people would not pick me as "firey or short fused'" unless they really know me. So some people would know that... but most just see smiling Josh. Not that I am faking it all the time because I generally do like to smile, laugh and joke with people.... it keeps me going.

It is just really hard to deal with. Life is hard to deal with.... my thoughts and emotions are hard to deal with right now.... it I really reflect on my life I just get angry and because anger is not an allowed to be expressed openly it often turns into other emotions... like depression or general "short-fusedness". "Pray", everyone says... "that will help"... "read your Bible... God will meet you if you seek Him earnestly". Again, I am not saying God is in the wrong but seriously sometimes I wonder what I am doing wrong (although lately I just haven't spent time in prayer). I am just having a hard time with everything.... I want my time with God to be relaxing and instead it has turned into a task... more things to do that I honestly, don't always want to take the time to do. Am I alone in this? I don't think so... but it is really hard.

These months off have been a total evaluation and reflection time of my relationship with God. And I still have yet to come to a conclusion. There are times that I really struggle with the existence of God... in my soul that doesn't seem to sit right (I think I know better) but sometimes I just wonder. I wonder if Christianity is real... if what I have been living for all my life, what guidlines I have been following, are all because of God or if they just work because they make people better people. You can potentially not know Christ and use the Bible as a guideline and still lead a really good life. The Bible is full of practical wisdom that still makes sense most of the time even today. I guess there is a part of me that has never really explored the depths of my relationship with God..... the depths of Christianity (really deeply... maybe most people have and I am just a late bloomer). Christianity can be an attractive package. Interesting speakers, decent music that kids can listen too (positive hits baby!) automatic friendship/ acceptance, a way to find peace and forgiveness to sooth the soul for past mistakes. The Bible encourages relaxation, meditation and time way just to pray and talk to God (clear your head). All I am saying is that from a purely psychological perspective it could make sense.

All that being said there are some things that just don't seem to be psychological alone about Christianity. Miracles. Its just a hard thing... emotion is so closely tied to religion, emotion plays such a big part in how we react to life in general.

All of this being said. I am not giving upon God. I just want to really find God, if there is a God... which I believe there is, I need a relationship with Him. I real relationship. A different relationship than what I think most Christians have. I different relationship than what I have right now. This whole thing I have going on right now isn't working. I just need more power, Holy Spirit power, I need to feel peace EVERYDAY and not struggle to control myself everyday... just pushing emotions down inside. This isn't working.

God, this isn't working right now what you and I have going on. If I were you I would probably be thinking the same thing about me. "Hey, Josh this whole thing we have going on right now just isn't working for either of us. I am not happy with you and you are not happy with me". So that being said, we need some changes. I am an all or nothing guy, either I am in totally or I just don't care. and lately, I have been in the "I just don't care mode" with much of my life.... something has got to give. I can't hold on much longer doing it on my own. I know I am supposed to give it all to you but apparently I am bad at that or else you are having trouble responding in a timely manner... well a timely manner for me. It is hard. I feel like I don't know what I am living for. I mean i love my family they are great, but in terms of "living as Christ" I am not doing a very good job. In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).

Now let's be honest here. If I were to tell 50 Christians that statement

In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).

45 of the people I talked to would say " You can do all that in any job". Well let me tell you this. It is not true. Either I am focused on it obsessively or I am not. I am not saying you can't witness at work or that no good will come of you being "Christ in the workplace". What I am saying is that I personally am realizing I am having a hard time with the disconnect working for Jesus and working to live. I am not sure if they compute. If I work to make money then that is what I will do.... Work to make money. I am just struggling to believe that happiness will come from that. If I live for God and really follow the Bible then that is what I want to spend my time doing. I don't want to spend my days just doing work to make a buck. Either I am going at this full on or forget it, it will never be as big a part of my life as it needs to be because I will never truely make it a #1 priority. If 1/3 of the day is spent sleeping... then that means 50% of my waking hours I am at work and the other 50% are divided between kids, my wife, occational fun stuff and God (in no particular order... although sometimes that seems to be how the order is) .And honestly, that doesn't work for me even if God was always first in the other 50% of my waking hours. It doesn't add up.

All that being said. I do want to serve God but am not sure how. I don't feel like i fit anywhere. I like media, it has its time and place but if I am living everyday for God, sold out for God, media is not first on my list of "must do's".... you know? So God, I need you to direct me where I need to be because I have a feeling any old job won't do. But that being said, I need clarity and help to find the next steps I need to take.