One of those days

Yeah, it is a bummer day today. Just bummed about life today. This weekend was hard for some reason. I just went into it nervous about my future... nervous more about my families future.. nervous about money. I know that I haven't been seeking God in the way I need to be... putting all of my faith in him. I am still looking for jobs, still applying for jobs (even those I don't really want), and still trying to figure out what the heck is next for me in life. I think I am frustrated because I don't really have any idea what is next in life... that Catie and I had a big fight this weekend which revealed a lot about feelings about certain issues in life. I also hate the fact that she wants to work less and she is scared all the time about paying bills and where more money is going to come from... I think I am a bit scared to but a lot more of the pressure I feel is because I really want to make Catie feel comfortable.

I just don't get it all. I know the economy plays a big roll in everything but seriously... I have NO PLAN to go anywhere. Here is the bottom line, just doing media is not interesting to me a lot of the time... most of the time. PLus my media experience is good enough to get me into another church... but still at the bottom rung. I think seriously, I have been doing video and audio for 4-5 years professionally... if that was a pastor or youth leader a lot more churches would want me... but there are a lot less churches with video guys... then pastors :)

So the question is where do I go now? Where do I head? I will do whatever for a year BUT I have been doing jobs for the past few years that don't really have room for growth and that has left me where I am now... with no job and apparently not enough experience to get a job that actually pays for experience. I am glad I had the experience in media because I now have a better idea of what I want to do.. but still I need a job now that points me somewhere. I can't be 30 and still be making $20,000 or less a year. And I am a person that needs to at least relatively enjoy his job... I think most people do. I need to look to my future... I don't need to start at the bottom rung of a media job that I don't want to be at, making no more money than I am now. It needs to make sense... but nothing seems to make sense. One thing I do know: I DO NOT WANT TO DO MEDIA IN MY FUTURE!!!!!!! I do not like doing videos anymore... I think it is boring and makes no real difference in the world... and I spend too much time alone. So it makes no sense for me to set myself up to go through the ringer of a media job, all while hoping to leave the entire time. It would be the same as me telling someone, go to a job that you make no real money at doing something you don't want to do and has no future for you. I don't need media resume experience (except maybe in internet). I have that. I need a resume that show that I want to work with people.

I feel like I am 3 years behind where I need to be because I spent time in media figuring out that I didn't really want to do it.... at least not in any way that is similar to what I have been doing. I just want to help people. I think that is the most valuable thing that I have learned in all of this. I know I should "Take anything that comes my way".... of course that is easier said than done. It would be no problem if I didn't have kids... but I do... and that is a factor. If I get a job @ $12 an hour and have to drive any distance at all and pay for babysitting (which is at the lowest amount $9 hr for 3 kids plus gas). I just can see it making sense. If Catie was making more money.. it would be different. If either of us had a flexible job it would be different... it is just hard. I am not looking for the perfect job as that clearly will not happened an I have known that for a while (perfect would be 40-50k a year, with good benefits and me working helping people).

So all of this said. Nothing makes sense. I still have been slowly reading Ecclesiastes and that is the theme the whole time. The world don't make sense. Life doesn't make sense... really there is no point. Except to serve God and praise God. It is hard to comprehend but all of this life and all of it hardships don't really have to do with the person or the personallity. It all lead to the same place... death. What matters is your life center around God.. because ultimately in the future that is what matters.

I think that is what I need to remember in all of this. If God tells me "Pursue me" and I don't do it and then feel more stressed. It seems quiet obvious what the problem is... I am not following the instuctions of God.... whether they seem foolish or not. Logically I should be freaking out but God just said, "Pursue me" and apparently that means he will take care of the rest. Ok God... my eggs are in your basket. Just allow me to trust that you won't drop them.