I would love to have a vacation... so would Catie. I just need some time away from everything. I would love to have some time just with her. We still have our moments quite often of fighting but much of it is spurred on by money talks that we have. But last night we did start another series (audio) on finding out what our spiritual gifts are (I think that is what it is all about).
Unfortunately, I can't seem to find any work at all and when I do get called back and have interviews (like this week with a insurance sales job) I don't get picked because companies decide to "pursue people whos experience more closely match what they are looking for. This was an insurance sales job for crying out loud! (although this was potentially a better one than most with a good base pay and good commission and crazy good benefits. It is a frustrating market out there.... definately.
That being said I am trying to push harder in the electrical or a/v installation area. I am really hitting that area harder. I think I would like to work with my hands and I would love to learn more about installation. At least for the time being. I would be pumped to find a job like that. It would still be techy and I would be able to gain practical skills that I could use later. Who knows. I just think it could be a match.
The hard part in this whole thing is that I still kind of want to do ministry... I think. I am really confused right now. I'm confused about my relationship with God and really what that is. What is really means in my life. I think I think a lot more about that than most other people. I don't just think about God and pray. I really think and ponder about who God is and what he means and where everyone and God fits into humanity/life. I am just over the status-quo Christianity... I am over head knowledge... I am done with Christianese... really I need a new refreshing... something different. A real God. I need a real God in my life.... an active God.
I have just realized over the past few months how little faith I have.... which just makes me more frustrated at myself and at life. I do want to pursue God.... but it is hard. And sometimes I wonder what I am pursuing for... I think for so many years I have sung songs and known the lyrics but not really known them. Yeah, even when I take the time to reflex I never pour myself wholly into the lyrics... wholly into praising God. I think very few people do.... especially me who tends to think about other stuff during worship as compared really focusing. I just realize I don't know if I really know who God is. I think about God all the time. How much I want to know him... but I want something new. Not the same stuff I have heard all of these years... not that all the knowledge I have build up over time is bad. I just need to really see God now. I just think sometimes I have losing faith... and a lot (most) is my fault as I talk a lot about thinking about God but don't always take the time to get to know God (read the Bible and listen to God). I just want more of God.. to know God more. I just need motivation to get there. I guess I need to be motivated myself to find out about God.
I am just not satified with normal God knowledge you get fed all your life and you get at church. I think there has to be a lot I am missing with God... and not just what I know about God but what God will show me through the Holy Spirit. Like I have said before I just need a more powerful God in my life.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Well, its been over a weeks so I should write...
First off, I had a good weekend, for the most part.... expect yesterday I was sooooo stinkin grumpy. I was... and I knew I was. I was being totally jerky to my family. I just felt no real patience with the kids at all. Not a good idea.... I appologized but I should do it again.
Saturday was fun though. I taken out to lunch by a friend and we had good conversation (as we usually do) and the food was really good (it was Mexican from Texas Cafe). Then after that we had some friends come over and we grilled out, the kids had a quick Easter egg hunt (where a Notsquirrel ate open about 4 or 5 of the eggs within the 10 minutes we were inside)
Notice the candy lying next to the egg.
Anyways, the we played a game until about 8:00pm and then I went and played bball for a few hours.....
So all of that said you would have thought I would have been really happy the next day.... but I was such a grouch. I don't know I am just grumpy without a job.... and probably other reasons. I think I need to start forgiving people for stuff... it will be hard though.
On a totally different subject. I do want to note that although my blogs may seem a bit down and negative. I am never suicidal. I just express the way I am actually feeling on here... I am ok with emotions (showing them and talking about them). Which I have come to realize more and more is rare... especially with guys. Its funny I often find myself frustrated with friends because I know they are not telling me actually deep down how they are feeling... I can tell. I think most people are content with general answers from other people. Like 98% of people are ok with general answers... digging is messy and takes time and effort.
Here are the ones I run into the most.
ONE
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?
Burt: "Good, how are you?"
Frank: "ok"
Burt: "Cool, nice talking to you"
Conversation Interpretation:
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going? (Same thing as saying hi... I am not even thinking that I asked "how's it going")
Burt: "Good, how are you?" (Again, a conditoned response.... didn't even think about it)
Frank: "ok"
Burt: "Cool, nice talking to you"
And then they go on to talk about stuff that either doesn't matter at all or they part ways and say "see ya". And this happens with tons of people... even if they are friends... not just acquaintances. Frank could even look sad but 90% of people have no idea how to read a person.. trust me.
TWO
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?"
Burt: "eeehhh... ok. How are you?"
Frank: "Just ok?
Burt: "Yeah, ok. How are you?"
Frank: "I'm doing well."
And then the conversation ends or they go on into nothing.
Conversation interpretation:
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?"(I am using the phrase "how's it going" because we use it in our culture as another form of hello)
Burt: "ehhhhh... ok. (Not very good but its ok because most people don't really care... and I kind of don't feel like talking to anyone about it)
Frank: "Just ok? (Wow, Burt actually answered the question... I wonder what's up... Hopefully he is ok, but then again, hopefully we won't have to talk about emotions. This could get awkward.)
Burt: "Yeah, ok. How are you?" (Yeah, I am ok, actually crappy but who cares. Do you really want to know or are you just doing the polite/general conversation... I guess we will see by his response.)
Frank: "I'm doing well." (Well, I guess Burt is not dead or dying so I am going to take this "How are you?' exit question he gave me and run with it... far away from any real discussion.)
Of course some of that is exagerated BUT not all of it. I think another thing for me that happens is I get asked how I am doing and I actually tell them in great detail and my friends listen. And then I ask how they are doing and they say "Ok, not great but ok." Or sometimes even just a "Good". Then I'll ask what's up and they might say "rough time at work" or "arguing with my kids/ wife:.... but that will be all. (And often times I will be shocked to even get that). I usually then try to get more info out of them but that is usually all the info they give. No real letting anyone in... the less detailed the better.
Just so everyone on here knows. I hate general conversation. I want to know about you as a person.... for real... deeply. The only friendships I really care about are deep ones... and deep to me is actually knowing what is going on with you... what you are thinking/feeling (I have realized this is not normal). General friendships I could be fine without. Its funny I'll talk to people at work about life and family and just get to know a little bit about them and then I'll be talking to another co-worker (that has worked with the other person for 3 years) and I'll know more personal details after just a few minutes.... its kind of sad... and most of the details aren't even a big deal. For example, a person might play golf other day after work and 80% who work with him every day know that.
So in conclusion,
Take the time to really talk to people. Get to actually know them. It matters. They like it whether they think they do not.... it breaks down barriers.... with even your closest friends. Yes, with real friends you may actually have to put forth an effort and it may be "messy" but it will almost always be worth it.
And lastly, if a person poors out their heart to you. And then asks you how you are doing.... have the same respect they had for you and really answer them back.... even if it involves thinking about yourself and problems.
NOTE: To all of my friends who read this blog... this is not a direct link to anyone or any conversation that I have had recently... but now you know what I think when you talk to me :)
Saturday was fun though. I taken out to lunch by a friend and we had good conversation (as we usually do) and the food was really good (it was Mexican from Texas Cafe). Then after that we had some friends come over and we grilled out, the kids had a quick Easter egg hunt (where a Notsquirrel ate open about 4 or 5 of the eggs within the 10 minutes we were inside)
Notice the candy lying next to the egg.
Anyways, the we played a game until about 8:00pm and then I went and played bball for a few hours.....
So all of that said you would have thought I would have been really happy the next day.... but I was such a grouch. I don't know I am just grumpy without a job.... and probably other reasons. I think I need to start forgiving people for stuff... it will be hard though.
On a totally different subject. I do want to note that although my blogs may seem a bit down and negative. I am never suicidal. I just express the way I am actually feeling on here... I am ok with emotions (showing them and talking about them). Which I have come to realize more and more is rare... especially with guys. Its funny I often find myself frustrated with friends because I know they are not telling me actually deep down how they are feeling... I can tell. I think most people are content with general answers from other people. Like 98% of people are ok with general answers... digging is messy and takes time and effort.
Here are the ones I run into the most.
ONE
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?
Burt: "Good, how are you?"
Frank: "ok"
Burt: "Cool, nice talking to you"
Conversation Interpretation:
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going? (Same thing as saying hi... I am not even thinking that I asked "how's it going")
Burt: "Good, how are you?" (Again, a conditoned response.... didn't even think about it)
Frank: "ok"
Burt: "Cool, nice talking to you"
And then they go on to talk about stuff that either doesn't matter at all or they part ways and say "see ya". And this happens with tons of people... even if they are friends... not just acquaintances. Frank could even look sad but 90% of people have no idea how to read a person.. trust me.
TWO
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?"
Burt: "eeehhh... ok. How are you?"
Frank: "Just ok?
Burt: "Yeah, ok. How are you?"
Frank: "I'm doing well."
And then the conversation ends or they go on into nothing.
Conversation interpretation:
Frank: "Hey Burt, hows it going?"(I am using the phrase "how's it going" because we use it in our culture as another form of hello)
Burt: "ehhhhh... ok. (Not very good but its ok because most people don't really care... and I kind of don't feel like talking to anyone about it)
Frank: "Just ok? (Wow, Burt actually answered the question... I wonder what's up... Hopefully he is ok, but then again, hopefully we won't have to talk about emotions. This could get awkward.)
Burt: "Yeah, ok. How are you?" (Yeah, I am ok, actually crappy but who cares. Do you really want to know or are you just doing the polite/general conversation... I guess we will see by his response.)
Frank: "I'm doing well." (Well, I guess Burt is not dead or dying so I am going to take this "How are you?' exit question he gave me and run with it... far away from any real discussion.)
Of course some of that is exagerated BUT not all of it. I think another thing for me that happens is I get asked how I am doing and I actually tell them in great detail and my friends listen. And then I ask how they are doing and they say "Ok, not great but ok." Or sometimes even just a "Good". Then I'll ask what's up and they might say "rough time at work" or "arguing with my kids/ wife:.... but that will be all. (And often times I will be shocked to even get that). I usually then try to get more info out of them but that is usually all the info they give. No real letting anyone in... the less detailed the better.
Just so everyone on here knows. I hate general conversation. I want to know about you as a person.... for real... deeply. The only friendships I really care about are deep ones... and deep to me is actually knowing what is going on with you... what you are thinking/feeling (I have realized this is not normal). General friendships I could be fine without. Its funny I'll talk to people at work about life and family and just get to know a little bit about them and then I'll be talking to another co-worker (that has worked with the other person for 3 years) and I'll know more personal details after just a few minutes.... its kind of sad... and most of the details aren't even a big deal. For example, a person might play golf other day after work and 80% who work with him every day know that.
So in conclusion,
Take the time to really talk to people. Get to actually know them. It matters. They like it whether they think they do not.... it breaks down barriers.... with even your closest friends. Yes, with real friends you may actually have to put forth an effort and it may be "messy" but it will almost always be worth it.
And lastly, if a person poors out their heart to you. And then asks you how you are doing.... have the same respect they had for you and really answer them back.... even if it involves thinking about yourself and problems.
NOTE: To all of my friends who read this blog... this is not a direct link to anyone or any conversation that I have had recently... but now you know what I think when you talk to me :)
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Good Sunday
Today was a pretty good day. It was a good time to rest and just chill for a minute. Catie and I and the kids went to WOW Vineyard. It was pretty good. It was a really good message for me to hear... Ross usually does a good job. It was weird to be somewhere else on a Sunday but it was good for a change of pace. We are not planning on leaving our church but just want to try out some other churches in the next little bit... if anything just to get a break from it all.
The message was about submitting to God and letting God lead your life down the path that he wants, even if it is hard. Just following God anywhere, through anything. Not that God is giving you hardship... but he maybe allowing it because you need to learn something you would not have otherwise.
That is hard to imagine and follow that God would be allowing hardship... but like Ross said sometimes it is necessary.
It was a really good message to hear... and I got prayed over. Just to let myself submit to God... to allow God to do whatever he wants in my life.
The message was about submitting to God and letting God lead your life down the path that he wants, even if it is hard. Just following God anywhere, through anything. Not that God is giving you hardship... but he maybe allowing it because you need to learn something you would not have otherwise.
That is hard to imagine and follow that God would be allowing hardship... but like Ross said sometimes it is necessary.
It was a really good message to hear... and I got prayed over. Just to let myself submit to God... to allow God to do whatever he wants in my life.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Just Struggling to Put it all Together
Lately, I have just been in a mental funk. I was talking to someone the other day and said "I just wish I could hit the pause button on life... just for a little while". I just have been out of it... especially mentally. I even don't feel right. And it not just about work. Its a lot about God and my life in general... I just can seem to keep up. I am tired. I know I should "give it to God"... but either I am not doing that well enough (which is possible) or else God is holding out.... in either case it is not working and I am getting more and more tired.
These have been really trying times for me lately. The job, family, marriage.... everything is going all over the place. I just have no peace. Honestly, I have no place to find peace right now either. It is tough. I used to get a bit of peace at work (which can still be the case at Menards at times) but now, it is just go to work, come home & watch the kids (which has it rare moments of peace) and then Catie comes home and I am stressed by that time or she is stressed at that time so there is not too much peace (not all the time but alot of the time it seems). Usually, by the time Catie comes home the kids are in full meltdown mode (I think they are getting tired and hungry even though it is only like 5:30pm... literally it is like someone flipped a switch). So everyone is playing off each others stress.. parents off the kids, the kids off the parents, kids of the kids and parents off each other... No peace it seems. It reminds me of the bumper sticker "NO PEACE, KNOW GOD".(or something like that). Cheesey. But that isn't always the case. I think I am more peaceful because of my relationship with God. But I still, as I always have, struggle with a short fuse... and with kids and an emotional wife... and an emotional self..... I am really in the pressure cooker a lot of the time to keep my cool. It is a CONSTANT battle to remain calm... often times a losing battle, it would seem. I just wonder if God is my peace.
I guess I hide all of that well. Most people would not pick me as "firey or short fused'" unless they really know me. So some people would know that... but most just see smiling Josh. Not that I am faking it all the time because I generally do like to smile, laugh and joke with people.... it keeps me going.
It is just really hard to deal with. Life is hard to deal with.... my thoughts and emotions are hard to deal with right now.... it I really reflect on my life I just get angry and because anger is not an allowed to be expressed openly it often turns into other emotions... like depression or general "short-fusedness". "Pray", everyone says... "that will help"... "read your Bible... God will meet you if you seek Him earnestly". Again, I am not saying God is in the wrong but seriously sometimes I wonder what I am doing wrong (although lately I just haven't spent time in prayer). I am just having a hard time with everything.... I want my time with God to be relaxing and instead it has turned into a task... more things to do that I honestly, don't always want to take the time to do. Am I alone in this? I don't think so... but it is really hard.
These months off have been a total evaluation and reflection time of my relationship with God. And I still have yet to come to a conclusion. There are times that I really struggle with the existence of God... in my soul that doesn't seem to sit right (I think I know better) but sometimes I just wonder. I wonder if Christianity is real... if what I have been living for all my life, what guidlines I have been following, are all because of God or if they just work because they make people better people. You can potentially not know Christ and use the Bible as a guideline and still lead a really good life. The Bible is full of practical wisdom that still makes sense most of the time even today. I guess there is a part of me that has never really explored the depths of my relationship with God..... the depths of Christianity (really deeply... maybe most people have and I am just a late bloomer). Christianity can be an attractive package. Interesting speakers, decent music that kids can listen too (positive hits baby!) automatic friendship/ acceptance, a way to find peace and forgiveness to sooth the soul for past mistakes. The Bible encourages relaxation, meditation and time way just to pray and talk to God (clear your head). All I am saying is that from a purely psychological perspective it could make sense.
All that being said there are some things that just don't seem to be psychological alone about Christianity. Miracles. Its just a hard thing... emotion is so closely tied to religion, emotion plays such a big part in how we react to life in general.
All of this being said. I am not giving upon God. I just want to really find God, if there is a God... which I believe there is, I need a relationship with Him. I real relationship. A different relationship than what I think most Christians have. I different relationship than what I have right now. This whole thing I have going on right now isn't working. I just need more power, Holy Spirit power, I need to feel peace EVERYDAY and not struggle to control myself everyday... just pushing emotions down inside. This isn't working.
God, this isn't working right now what you and I have going on. If I were you I would probably be thinking the same thing about me. "Hey, Josh this whole thing we have going on right now just isn't working for either of us. I am not happy with you and you are not happy with me". So that being said, we need some changes. I am an all or nothing guy, either I am in totally or I just don't care. and lately, I have been in the "I just don't care mode" with much of my life.... something has got to give. I can't hold on much longer doing it on my own. I know I am supposed to give it all to you but apparently I am bad at that or else you are having trouble responding in a timely manner... well a timely manner for me. It is hard. I feel like I don't know what I am living for. I mean i love my family they are great, but in terms of "living as Christ" I am not doing a very good job. In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).
Now let's be honest here. If I were to tell 50 Christians that statement
In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).
45 of the people I talked to would say " You can do all that in any job". Well let me tell you this. It is not true. Either I am focused on it obsessively or I am not. I am not saying you can't witness at work or that no good will come of you being "Christ in the workplace". What I am saying is that I personally am realizing I am having a hard time with the disconnect working for Jesus and working to live. I am not sure if they compute. If I work to make money then that is what I will do.... Work to make money. I am just struggling to believe that happiness will come from that. If I live for God and really follow the Bible then that is what I want to spend my time doing. I don't want to spend my days just doing work to make a buck. Either I am going at this full on or forget it, it will never be as big a part of my life as it needs to be because I will never truely make it a #1 priority. If 1/3 of the day is spent sleeping... then that means 50% of my waking hours I am at work and the other 50% are divided between kids, my wife, occational fun stuff and God (in no particular order... although sometimes that seems to be how the order is) .And honestly, that doesn't work for me even if God was always first in the other 50% of my waking hours. It doesn't add up.
All that being said. I do want to serve God but am not sure how. I don't feel like i fit anywhere. I like media, it has its time and place but if I am living everyday for God, sold out for God, media is not first on my list of "must do's".... you know? So God, I need you to direct me where I need to be because I have a feeling any old job won't do. But that being said, I need clarity and help to find the next steps I need to take.
These have been really trying times for me lately. The job, family, marriage.... everything is going all over the place. I just have no peace. Honestly, I have no place to find peace right now either. It is tough. I used to get a bit of peace at work (which can still be the case at Menards at times) but now, it is just go to work, come home & watch the kids (which has it rare moments of peace) and then Catie comes home and I am stressed by that time or she is stressed at that time so there is not too much peace (not all the time but alot of the time it seems). Usually, by the time Catie comes home the kids are in full meltdown mode (I think they are getting tired and hungry even though it is only like 5:30pm... literally it is like someone flipped a switch). So everyone is playing off each others stress.. parents off the kids, the kids off the parents, kids of the kids and parents off each other... No peace it seems. It reminds me of the bumper sticker "NO PEACE, KNOW GOD".(or something like that). Cheesey. But that isn't always the case. I think I am more peaceful because of my relationship with God. But I still, as I always have, struggle with a short fuse... and with kids and an emotional wife... and an emotional self..... I am really in the pressure cooker a lot of the time to keep my cool. It is a CONSTANT battle to remain calm... often times a losing battle, it would seem. I just wonder if God is my peace.
I guess I hide all of that well. Most people would not pick me as "firey or short fused'" unless they really know me. So some people would know that... but most just see smiling Josh. Not that I am faking it all the time because I generally do like to smile, laugh and joke with people.... it keeps me going.
It is just really hard to deal with. Life is hard to deal with.... my thoughts and emotions are hard to deal with right now.... it I really reflect on my life I just get angry and because anger is not an allowed to be expressed openly it often turns into other emotions... like depression or general "short-fusedness". "Pray", everyone says... "that will help"... "read your Bible... God will meet you if you seek Him earnestly". Again, I am not saying God is in the wrong but seriously sometimes I wonder what I am doing wrong (although lately I just haven't spent time in prayer). I am just having a hard time with everything.... I want my time with God to be relaxing and instead it has turned into a task... more things to do that I honestly, don't always want to take the time to do. Am I alone in this? I don't think so... but it is really hard.
These months off have been a total evaluation and reflection time of my relationship with God. And I still have yet to come to a conclusion. There are times that I really struggle with the existence of God... in my soul that doesn't seem to sit right (I think I know better) but sometimes I just wonder. I wonder if Christianity is real... if what I have been living for all my life, what guidlines I have been following, are all because of God or if they just work because they make people better people. You can potentially not know Christ and use the Bible as a guideline and still lead a really good life. The Bible is full of practical wisdom that still makes sense most of the time even today. I guess there is a part of me that has never really explored the depths of my relationship with God..... the depths of Christianity (really deeply... maybe most people have and I am just a late bloomer). Christianity can be an attractive package. Interesting speakers, decent music that kids can listen too (positive hits baby!) automatic friendship/ acceptance, a way to find peace and forgiveness to sooth the soul for past mistakes. The Bible encourages relaxation, meditation and time way just to pray and talk to God (clear your head). All I am saying is that from a purely psychological perspective it could make sense.
All that being said there are some things that just don't seem to be psychological alone about Christianity. Miracles. Its just a hard thing... emotion is so closely tied to religion, emotion plays such a big part in how we react to life in general.
All of this being said. I am not giving upon God. I just want to really find God, if there is a God... which I believe there is, I need a relationship with Him. I real relationship. A different relationship than what I think most Christians have. I different relationship than what I have right now. This whole thing I have going on right now isn't working. I just need more power, Holy Spirit power, I need to feel peace EVERYDAY and not struggle to control myself everyday... just pushing emotions down inside. This isn't working.
God, this isn't working right now what you and I have going on. If I were you I would probably be thinking the same thing about me. "Hey, Josh this whole thing we have going on right now just isn't working for either of us. I am not happy with you and you are not happy with me". So that being said, we need some changes. I am an all or nothing guy, either I am in totally or I just don't care. and lately, I have been in the "I just don't care mode" with much of my life.... something has got to give. I can't hold on much longer doing it on my own. I know I am supposed to give it all to you but apparently I am bad at that or else you are having trouble responding in a timely manner... well a timely manner for me. It is hard. I feel like I don't know what I am living for. I mean i love my family they are great, but in terms of "living as Christ" I am not doing a very good job. In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).
Now let's be honest here. If I were to tell 50 Christians that statement
In fact, I think I will have a hard time living for God with my whole being until I find a job that steers me in that direction. I am having a hard time disconnecting my relationship with God and with my job... I want to be working for God. If what the Bible says is true I want to and need to spend most of my waking hours talking about God, talking with people about God and loving people (with God in me).
45 of the people I talked to would say " You can do all that in any job". Well let me tell you this. It is not true. Either I am focused on it obsessively or I am not. I am not saying you can't witness at work or that no good will come of you being "Christ in the workplace". What I am saying is that I personally am realizing I am having a hard time with the disconnect working for Jesus and working to live. I am not sure if they compute. If I work to make money then that is what I will do.... Work to make money. I am just struggling to believe that happiness will come from that. If I live for God and really follow the Bible then that is what I want to spend my time doing. I don't want to spend my days just doing work to make a buck. Either I am going at this full on or forget it, it will never be as big a part of my life as it needs to be because I will never truely make it a #1 priority. If 1/3 of the day is spent sleeping... then that means 50% of my waking hours I am at work and the other 50% are divided between kids, my wife, occational fun stuff and God (in no particular order... although sometimes that seems to be how the order is) .And honestly, that doesn't work for me even if God was always first in the other 50% of my waking hours. It doesn't add up.
All that being said. I do want to serve God but am not sure how. I don't feel like i fit anywhere. I like media, it has its time and place but if I am living everyday for God, sold out for God, media is not first on my list of "must do's".... you know? So God, I need you to direct me where I need to be because I have a feeling any old job won't do. But that being said, I need clarity and help to find the next steps I need to take.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Hopefully.....
So Catie and I have had some discussion over the weekend and possible discovered an area that I am interested in that is also related to my field.
It is electric and audio installation.... I know someone around the area that is in that field and am hoping to get an apprenticeship with them (or another company like them). I am going to talk to Michigan Works about it sometime this week. The usually have insight into what places are good to go to and what places are not... and sometimes they know the right people to talk to as well. I am hoping this is something I can do... and soon... spring is coming and often times that brings more work for people in trade jobs. The nice thing would be if I could to both electrical and sound installation... that would be sweet... and I would be learning something new but still related to my field. So we will see... there would be people I would be working with so that would be nice too.
I did have a second interview at Request Foods... I got to see around the factory and hear about possible jobs there. They are pretty nice people there.. they guy who interviewed me was nice. But after the tour of the place I thought.... "wow, I would hate this job... most likely I would hate most every day." Now not that it looks like a place that is full of bad people is it just really loud all the time... which in turn means you don't talk to people... you most of the time sit with ear plugs in and do your job on the machine. I think when I worked at other factory jobs the saving grace was being able to talk to people. That is what kept me motivated and able to come back to work.... smelly food, and isolation are not very appealing to me. That being said... this maybe the only option for now... they do have good benefits... so that is good at least... and it is a Christian business, so that is good too. But other than that I thought..... "I need to find something else to do NOW!'
So I hope I can get an apprenticeship somewhere! Be praying for that. I think I would like it.
It is electric and audio installation.... I know someone around the area that is in that field and am hoping to get an apprenticeship with them (or another company like them). I am going to talk to Michigan Works about it sometime this week. The usually have insight into what places are good to go to and what places are not... and sometimes they know the right people to talk to as well. I am hoping this is something I can do... and soon... spring is coming and often times that brings more work for people in trade jobs. The nice thing would be if I could to both electrical and sound installation... that would be sweet... and I would be learning something new but still related to my field. So we will see... there would be people I would be working with so that would be nice too.
I did have a second interview at Request Foods... I got to see around the factory and hear about possible jobs there. They are pretty nice people there.. they guy who interviewed me was nice. But after the tour of the place I thought.... "wow, I would hate this job... most likely I would hate most every day." Now not that it looks like a place that is full of bad people is it just really loud all the time... which in turn means you don't talk to people... you most of the time sit with ear plugs in and do your job on the machine. I think when I worked at other factory jobs the saving grace was being able to talk to people. That is what kept me motivated and able to come back to work.... smelly food, and isolation are not very appealing to me. That being said... this maybe the only option for now... they do have good benefits... so that is good at least... and it is a Christian business, so that is good too. But other than that I thought..... "I need to find something else to do NOW!'
So I hope I can get an apprenticeship somewhere! Be praying for that. I think I would like it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Apparently, once a week is all i want to do right now. Blogging seems to be work at times... but I also think it can be good for me too.
Well nothing much new in the life of Josh right now. I have been still looking for work and sending out apps, and just working at Menards @ 6am-10am and then on Saturdays when I can... working 6 days a weeks is not much fun... even if it is for only a few hours a day most of the week. You just see the place too much it seems... but really it isn't that bad. I don't mind it.
The rest of life is mostly just the same old same old. The kids are growing up quickly, Jude stands on his own now (when he wants) and Noelan is really close to being potty trained (yesterday he just went into the bathroom and went poop in the toilet.... yet today he poop in his diaper... so who knows). Catie is working 32 hrs a week and she wants to see the kids more.
The sad thing about Catie and my work is that we are working in the range of 50-60 hours a week at above minimum wage and we are not even close to being ok financially.... so my conclusion...minimum wage is not very possible to live off of.... I can't imagine single parents trying to do it.... crazy.
hmmmmmm.... what else..... we have new sound people that Steve and I trained at church... one guy is already ready to go!
I haven't been pursuing God like I need to... or really at all... not a good idea. I need to pursue but I am tired of the rat race of life.... never ending running.... never quite drowning but never quite swimming... and pursuing takes time and energy... something that I am really low on right now. (maybe not a good excuse but it is how I am feeling).
I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to do... and I still don't really know. I know I want to help people in some way. I know I need to be with people, they give me energy... most of the time. And really that is all I know. I keep wondering if I should go and try to do church work of somekind but I am just not excited about that at this very moment. I kind of want to work at a church but really I kind of don't at the same time.
So that is all for now. I just really wish I had an idea of where I am going in life or where I want to head and I would also not mind having a job right now :)
Well nothing much new in the life of Josh right now. I have been still looking for work and sending out apps, and just working at Menards @ 6am-10am and then on Saturdays when I can... working 6 days a weeks is not much fun... even if it is for only a few hours a day most of the week. You just see the place too much it seems... but really it isn't that bad. I don't mind it.
The rest of life is mostly just the same old same old. The kids are growing up quickly, Jude stands on his own now (when he wants) and Noelan is really close to being potty trained (yesterday he just went into the bathroom and went poop in the toilet.... yet today he poop in his diaper... so who knows). Catie is working 32 hrs a week and she wants to see the kids more.
The sad thing about Catie and my work is that we are working in the range of 50-60 hours a week at above minimum wage and we are not even close to being ok financially.... so my conclusion...minimum wage is not very possible to live off of.... I can't imagine single parents trying to do it.... crazy.
hmmmmmm.... what else..... we have new sound people that Steve and I trained at church... one guy is already ready to go!
I haven't been pursuing God like I need to... or really at all... not a good idea. I need to pursue but I am tired of the rat race of life.... never ending running.... never quite drowning but never quite swimming... and pursuing takes time and energy... something that I am really low on right now. (maybe not a good excuse but it is how I am feeling).
I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to do... and I still don't really know. I know I want to help people in some way. I know I need to be with people, they give me energy... most of the time. And really that is all I know. I keep wondering if I should go and try to do church work of somekind but I am just not excited about that at this very moment. I kind of want to work at a church but really I kind of don't at the same time.
So that is all for now. I just really wish I had an idea of where I am going in life or where I want to head and I would also not mind having a job right now :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Hmmmm...
Well it has been a while again. I just haven't felt like taking the time to post... it takes to much work and thought... or so it seems. I haven't really been doing any "self searching" lately or nothing big so I just don't feel like writing. I am rally frustrated about life so my blog just seems to be a place to talk about it but I don't fee like writing about being frustrated any more... i don't really feel like doing any thing much anymore. I just don't care. Really about anything. I am a little bit nervous that I am growing more depressed or something because I am isolating myself more than before... Before I always wanted to be with people and now, I just don't care to make the effort to do anything do go anywhere, to talk to people. Nothing seems to matter. Nothing seems to work... I just don't feel like fighting anymore... (we are always fighting for something in life) Catie and I have been fighting stuff (not just each other) ever since we got married and before. I just feel like we can't win..... this month we will not be paying our mortgage for the first time... that sucks. We have both been working more but still don't have enough to make it work (like eating (which we can do) and/or paying our mortgage). We will try to pay some... but we dont have enough for sure....
Life is ok. I don't feel massively depressed... it do feel angry a good amount of the time. The bottom line is that life is just shitty. I am tired.... of everything, of everyone... of putting out a bunch of effort for little to no results. It just makes me not care... I know my attitude is much different. i know i have very little drive for anything (but seriously what am I driving for). I have no idea what I want to do. I just don't want to take the effort to do things....I can tell I am acting different, I don't even call people back all the time or answer my phone. I don't even feel like praying or making that effort... I am tired and I just don't think much matters right now. Honestly, I know it sounds bad. I wish that wasn't the case... it just is.
Hopefully, things will be looking better sometime soon
Life is ok. I don't feel massively depressed... it do feel angry a good amount of the time. The bottom line is that life is just shitty. I am tired.... of everything, of everyone... of putting out a bunch of effort for little to no results. It just makes me not care... I know my attitude is much different. i know i have very little drive for anything (but seriously what am I driving for). I have no idea what I want to do. I just don't want to take the effort to do things....I can tell I am acting different, I don't even call people back all the time or answer my phone. I don't even feel like praying or making that effort... I am tired and I just don't think much matters right now. Honestly, I know it sounds bad. I wish that wasn't the case... it just is.
Hopefully, things will be looking better sometime soon
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