Job... dilema

Well... I still have no job and have no idea where to look. The economy is crap.... and there are no jobs around here.... I am willing to look elsewhere but Catie will not. It is tough... I feel like she has found herself a bit more these days and comes home excited about work almost everyday (which is a big change).

So here is the problem. I get ChurchStaffing.com's job posts and there are 3 jobs that I could do no problem and am VERY qualified for... in fact most of them describe my job skills almost to a T. But the problem is they are all in Troy Michigan... 4 hours away. Catie will freak out if I tell her that I want to move... and I don't really want to move.... I just want a job. All the jobs are at churches (in fact 2 of them are at the church that our old Pastor, Paul, is planting out of. It is a church of 10,000 and that is a lot of people. I also don't know if I would want to work in a church seeing I am so stinkin sick of church politics... but maybe I would avoid them somehow... but I doubt it.

Catie does NOT want to move. She is going to start crying if I even mention this to her. Still, I am just a bit tempted to send in my resume... I mean maybe I wouldn't even get a call back. Who knows.... I think I might though.... unless the jobs are already filled. One of the jobs I probably wouldn't take though because it wouldn't be worth me moving for, as far as pay goes. I just don't know what to do... because I could do what they want.... easily (at least it sounds like it). Soooooo I don't know what to do. I want to keep our house. I love our friends... I am getting a bit less attached to the area... but I love the people here and love Holland. I will miss my friends. Selling the house will be a bit of a problem too because we will have to pay back a bunch of money to the city that we wouldn't have to if we lived here for 5 years.

DANG IT! It is always so hard. I am stressed BIG TIME as far as jobs go. I think about it 80% of the time... it is always on my mind. These jobs just seemed like they might be good because I literally never look at the churchstaffing posting because I don't really want to work in a church right now... but then I look today and find at least 3 I am qualified for.

I feel like I want to send out a resume but I don't think I will move unless I had to. That is just being honest... I just don't think I would do it... it is tempting though. But there is just the feeling that I would rather have Catie happy at work and find a crappy job for me for now. But on the other hand, Catie is super stressed about finances right now.

I just don't know way I have to work so hard for jobs. I literally don't think I have ever had a job just fall into my lap (except the temporary church work). I always have to search and search it seems to find any job... it sucks. It has been from age 13 to now... that is a long time.

So what do you all think? Let me know. I will pray about it too.

2 in a row

So today, is a good day. I am glad it is Friday. I am glad for the weekend. I am going to go to my mom's house sometime this weekend with a few of the kids (I am taking Noelen and Soe and Catie will have Jude).

Today is also a good day because finally we are resolving the issues we had with the Title company not paying our leans on our house (they avoided our calls for almost a year and then we got really aggressive and talked about small claims court... then they called back). And now we talk to the owner who was really angry.... so that should give us $500 toward our mortgage this year.

No job yet, but I had a dream last night and I think in it I felt like I was told "Just wait". But that also could be just hoping... I never know because you usually dream about things that are on your mind and getting a job is always on my mind.... we will see though.... I know God is in control... I really do know that.... it is just hard trusting.

Life is so... fragile.... and crazy and sad and happy and emotional.... it is hard. I just read an email about a friends wife's dad that was found on the floor this morning and is in a coma now. Wow. Something always puts life into perspective.... my thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Another note. I love music. It is awesome. It seriously has a connection to your soul... it weird.. and awesome.

I am ready to be working somewhere for someone... hopefully soon. I will say... I was thinking the other day that I have really enjoyed seeing my kids everyday and watching them grow together and just being able to spend really time with them... so the last 2 months hasn't been all that bad... I do really love my kids... and sometimes I like being at home. It is nice. Stressful but nice (at times).

Another off the subject thing. So I was talking to a co-worker and we somehow got to discussing whether I was weird.... and she said, "Not weird or socially awkward or anything. You just have a different way of looking at things." I said, "Different like what?" She responded, "Different like if to people were arguing whether a glass was half empty of half full you would tell them the glass was blue... not bad just different."

I like that I like being different. I like that the glass is blue. :)

Alrightly, see ya

So its been another week

I just haven't written because I haven't had much nice to say. I have just been really mad lately... and on Friday I was also busy..... making sure I have no more kids.... and then going to the ER. But all is well now. I am feeling good health wise.... although it did make me re-evaluate what I eat (I need to eat better and be more healthy... I want to be around for my kids).

I still haven't had ANYONE call me back since I had the recording studio call me in and tell me they didn't have a job for me.


Life is tough right now. I am really struggling with God this is the first time I have really been like "God what is up? Where are you?" But I am mad so I don't take the time to really spend praying and talking to God or even reading my Bible.

Totally off subject. My friend Dave told me to get Joshua Radin... he is good. I am listening right now. I always like pop-folk... that is probably my favorite kind of music... it has been for a while.

So what do I do. Right now I go to work at Menards at 6am get off at 10am (getting paid $8 an hour). Then I go home and watch the kids while Catie goes to work until 2:30pm and then I go in and work on the last video project I have left. Life is not fun... its so freakin stressful. I am honestly lost.

I know I know. "Its the economy." Yep, I've heard that. I always feel like saying "You have a job... you don't even understand... but thanks for the uplifting words...let me know how it is after you can find a job... and pay the bills".

So, thanks God.... where are you? I know I still have a home and food.... but soon I won't have enough to pay for that. I do know you are in control. I really do. But I just don't know where you are right now... where do you want me? I am confused. I have sent out a bunch of resumes and heard nothing... it is really crappy.

On a bright note out insurance is replacing a bunch of our stuff that got flooded in the basement. I have felt really blessed by that... especially because the basement has been such a pain... it makes me thankful. Honestly, the insurance is one of the few ways I have seen God working in bad situations lately (in my life at least).

I would pretty much do whatever job right now to feed my family. I am beginning not to care. I would like to go somewhere where it matters that I went to college... but that never seems to be my life. I was sitting back thinking the other day that I just don't get life..... especially school. Your always told.... work hard in High School... so I did and graduated in the top 10 of my class with a 3.78 (we only had 83 kids in my class). So then I went to college and studied an "up and coming career" and again graduated with Honors.... and you know what all of that means. NOTHING! nothing at all. What a joke. (Although I am glad I worked hard at school (it helps throughout life) and I like that I know how to do video.... it is fun).

So now what? Whats next? Another job that keeps me floating for 6 months? I am just really tired of transition. I have been on a 6 month period for the last 3 years.... I don't want that anymore... yet... I do like new things.. but it is really stressful right now.



Be the light on my path, God... because I can't see where I am going and feel like I keep running into crap in the dark.

I don't really feel like blogging today but I will

So lately I have used all of my internet time doing Fantasy Football. I'm not going to lie to you.... I like fantasy football a lot :) Catie thinks I like it too much (which might be true actually).

So here are my updates.

Still no job (that stinks). I have put out a whole lot of resumes and still only hear from the one place that said they like me but really don't have a job for me.....

My kids are doing well. Catie is doing pretty well too (but she is getting a cold I think).

I get a vasectomy tomorrow so that should be fun! I am nervous and kind of sad but I REALLY REALLY do not want more kids.... I am just learning how to love on the ones I have now.

Church has been pretty good. We have had these Wednesday night worship times and prayer times. It has been cool.... although this week I didn't pay much attention.... I edited a video during the prayer time

That video I was editing was a long time Wings of Mercy project (it has been semi in the works for about 2 years). And today I just turned it in... which felt really really good. I still have a few adjustments to make but it will all be done soon.


So that is all for now. Nothing special... I am still frustrated about life a bit right now. I am haiving a harder time trusting that God will take care of it all. The more days that go by without any word or call-backs the more I wonder what is going to happen to me. Honestly, there is this part of me that wonders what will happen to the whole economy right now.... crazy stockmarket stuff right now. But it is all in God's hands, I guess.

Hard times

HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sigh.....

I thought I was going to be able to go into church and edit some last project but out babysitter fell though today... oh well I guess.

So this week has been really hard. Tuesday night Catie and I had a big fight. I think we are emotionally both tired and not doing too well. It was tough. We are good now but everything is hard right now. I AM SO FREAKIN TIRED OF LIFE! I am really tired and even though I look generally pretty happy on the outside I am actually super stressed and pretty angry... I just don't dwell on that all the time, so a lot of people miss it unless you know me. I am not hiding my pain and anger from people... it just doesn't consume me all the time.... but it is in the back of my mind all the time... and I tend to have a shorter fuse... much shorter.

So after Catie and I fought we both ended up crying it was good but I am still stressed... a good cry (which is very rare for me) made me feel a little bit better. The job thing is just really getting me. And as time went on I realized more and more that I haven't been really happy/excited for a long time. Life is just a car and I am tied to the back of it dragging down the road. I've been trying to run along with the car but I am getting tired and am getting dragged more and more as time goes on. I want to drive the car... or maybe let God drive.... but I would love to at the very least sit in the back seat.

My family is the thing that keeps me going. That and putting my mind somewhere else (in sports and fantasy football). But I don't need an escape because those escapes are fun but they don't relax me and release me of my tension.

I know I need to spend more time in prayer... I really do. I am just tired... of everything. Sometimes I don't even want to pray anymore... but I deep down inside know Jesus is the answer... relying on Christ for my needs and comfort is the only thing that will work.

I think as I grow older (not that I am old and wise now) I just begin to understand life and people a little bit more. Pretty much I few years ago I didn't know anything... and really I don't know all that much now. I just more and more realize what a hurting species we humans are. Life is painful for A LOT of people. The road is rough for a lot of people too... and the more I go through it the more I sympathize with more people. I think hard times make me mad but I feel more and more compassionate for people too. Life is not fun very often... and I don't think that is the way that God intended it to be. And not just before the sin of Adam and Eve... I think God wants us to enjoy life RIGHT NOW! I will always believe that... even if I have a crappy job.... I will continue to try and find a job that I do want to do. Work is too much of life not to like it. I think we are supposed to have fun


I also have learned that money doesn't by happiness but it sure as heck would make me feel a little bit better. I would be less stressed that's for sure.

So thats all for now........

More Pictures and More General?

Am I too open on my blog? I wonder this sometimes... I keep checking out other people's blogs and they are usually just about what the people did that day... with some pictures of what they are talking about. I think I am more open about stuff.... I basically just like to talk and use my blog to semi journal... I guess. I like talking to people about my feelings... and this blog is sometimes just a place for me to think.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I asked him if he thought in general I am more open then most guys about emotions. He said, " Yeah, I think so". I think so too because pretty much every guy that I talk to keep most emotions to themselves... I am more emotional I guess. Which is weird because my dad was Mr. Non-emotion... but my mom was emotional and I always was as a kid too.

So who knows.... I will continue my boring no picture blog.... well I'll try to put up some pics. I just usually don't talk about what I take pics of. Oh well.... I think my blog will stay the same

Tense

I know I write about being frustrated a lot but apparently that is because inside I am pretty much stressed almost all the time. Even when I am laughing I am really stressed out about life. A lot of it has to do with work... just wanting a consistent job. I haven't known what is going to happen in my life for the last 3 years... except in 6 month increments. I am stressed and honestly almost completely unexcited with life.

That being said the other day I woke up and felt completely free and happy and worry free for the entire morning. I was excited to just be going through another day... I haven't felt like that for YEARS literally is has probably been 3 years.... it felt awesome. I don't even really know why I felt like that. I was talking about starting a non-profit media company up.... and that excited me... but that doesn't seem like it would relieve all of my stress about finding a job...

Then the polar opposite came into play. The next morning I woke up and I just felt angry. I was thinking about all the church stuff that has happened over the past 2 years and thinking how it was dealt with and thinking how people reacted... it made me want to yell at someone about it. That being said I am just frustrated about life right now, so maybe church is just the thing I vent about.... which I think is possible... but it is more than just a thing to vent on.

Anyways, I am tired of the whole church thing..... and it has really left me with a bad taste in my mouth as far as church ministry goes. I just don't know if I am cut out for it... you have to be too nice about everything....nice isn't really the word.... I guess I realized you just can't say many things because people won't like to hear it... it doesn't matter if it is true you just can't say it. And if people aren't happy then the whole church is in an uproar and people don't tithe and they are mad all the time.... even if they don't know even a teeny tiny amount of what ACTUALLY went on. (They hear only what the one side wants them to hear and then from there the people filter everything though their own personal filter and then come up with ideas far from the truth.) Anyways, hopefully we can just be done with the whole church thing. I know I am.

Ultimate I have learned you can't tell people the truth... at least not the full truth... you don't have to lie... but the hard thing about being in ministry at a church is you have to be ok with people just not knowing the whole story.... and I even agree that that philosophy sometimes is the best way to go. But that being said I hope I will always be brutally yet lovingly honest (is it possible that those two ideas even fit together? I think they can... but I have to work on the loving part).

That al being said Lakeshore Vineyard is a great place. They have done a lot for me personally and spiritually... I love the people there. Church is just hard for me to stomach right now... I am interested in being a part of it but who knows if I will ever fit into being on staff at one again... I kind of hope so.. but only God knows.

So that being said today was a good day. I like that I am able to film different things. Filming has taken me around the world and continue to let me do cool stuff. Today I flew up to Traverse City (it was a pretty flight) and filmed for a few hours (ate some pancakes) and then was back home by noon... flying is great the more I do it the better it is.

Really quick

So I had my interview today. They were nice there..... but they basically said "We don't really have a job here and if you did want a job you would have to intern for a while (for free) and then after that you would get paid sometimes when people actually come in and want to be recorded". I won't say it was a waste of time and the guy who interviewed me was really nice but I wish I would have known they didn't really have a job before I drove all over GR and wasted an afternoon. So now.... I have no prospects.... and I am a bit scared... not freakout scared. I have been trying to give this whole thing to God. I did say to God today "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I WILL DO WHAT YOU WANT!!! I JUST NEED IT NOW!!! I NEED A JOB NOW (and by now I mean YESTERDAY!)

So I was a little upset today. No angry at God just saying what the heck do you want me to do?

Today was another marker too because it was my last church paycheck.... ever.... ouch.....

So hopefully I will get a job soon. I am going to follow up with all the resumes I sent out a while ago and then I will go to manpower if needed. I also want to apply a couple of other places too... maybe Herman Miller (in the marketing creative area (Catie just found a job in that area there)). So here I go. I was hoping my resume would catch people's attention but I guess that didn't work so well.

So that is all for now. Today was a disappointing day. But I am doing ok and not too stressed out.

 Thank you God for keeping me calm. Just show me what direction to go... I am open to a lot.