Oh ipod icing....

So I was actually getting a lot of use out my ipod lately (I recently found I really get a lot out of the Bible/Message if I listen to it... the story is more clear) and figured I would take it to Men's Fraternity (to run music off it) instead of my computer this week. So I did and it worked well. Then I went to work and it was in my coat pocket, then I went to the doctors office and used it while waiting in my room.... and I haven't seen it since. So I know I had it at the Dr's office and now I don't have it. And they haven't seen it either and I went out to eat with my friend Jack and the restaurant doesn't have it either. SIGH.... crap..... I want that back and I don't have an cash to buy one but oh well I guess.

This is just a little icing on the cake of frustrations right now.... I am just tired and pissed off and tired of being tired. I need to be praying more I do know that. I just don't know what to do. I know what I want to do in life but life is not that simple, now is it? I want to go one way and God or just circumstances is maybe taking me somewhere else.. all I know is that I am hoping to pay all the bills this month... it will be the most tight since we have been married.

God .... I just don't know what to do. I need an open door from you. I am tired and am ready to be done with it all. I am not excited about the next phase of life... it looks like it is going to be not so much fun.

You know what I have learned in this all? There is just a reality that life is not too fun when you are barely making it. And you know what else... I think I lost of bit of the real world by living and breathing in a Christian bubble. In some ways, Menards is kind of refreshing... not that being at church was bad but Menards is the daily grind. Just people working, people in real everyday life. It is interesting... I understand more. Why people think the way they do about life and money and other people. Life is pretty dark if there is no relief by having Christ in your life.

Another thing I want to do is read the book Nickel and Dimed (Not Getting by in America) by Barbara Ehrenreich. It is written by a reporter who just tries to survive working at minimum wage job. Here is what the back cover says.

"Millions of Americans work for poverty-level wages, and one day Barbara Ehrenreich decided to join them. She was inspired in part by the rhetoric surrounding welfare reform, which promised that any job equals a better life. But how can anyone survive, let alone prosper, on $6 to $7 an hour?

To find out, Ehrenreich moved from Florida to Maine to Minnesota, taking the cheapest lodgings available and accepting work as a waitress, hotel maid, house cleaner, nursing-home aide, and Wal-Mart salesperson. She soon discovered that even the "lowliest" occupations require exhausting mental and physical efforts. And one job is not enough; you need at least two if you intend to live indoors.

Nickel and Dimed reveals low-wage America in all its tenacity, anxiety, and surprising generosity -- a land of Big Boxes, fast food, and a thousand desperate strategies for survival. Instantly acclaimed for its insight, humor, and passion, this book is changing the way America perceives its working poor."

I think if one thing my situation does is that it makes me realize just a touch more what people go through everyday to get by (and I don't even consider myself poor... I am not poor in may cases). Its crazy. Life is simply just... "work to survive" mentality... nothing more. No light at the end of the tunnel for so many people. I am fortunate enough to know a lot of people who would help me find a job and I also have a college degree but for so many others... life really can feel like it is taking you nowhere. Even for me the daily grind sometimes seems like a path to nowhere. I have been blessed with so much compared to so many others... but still my family is on the most government programs that we can be (except food stamps).

This might sound kind of crazy but it is a blessing to be in this situation... I hate it... but it has completely changed me. I think most of... well... a lot of... my pride has died. I just care less and less about "looking poor" (I don't really care what people think of me). Having my family in this situation often makes me mad and at myself that I can't take care of them better but I definitely look at life differently after all of this.

Growing up. my family wasn't rich but they took pride in having the money they did. They liked having stuff... I grew uo liking to have things. But now, I frankly just die day by day to the importance of a lot of money. I just want to pay off my debts and make enough to survive and save a little. Life is seemingly 10x as stressful but 20x less complicated. I just live to love God and love my family. Stuff doesn't matter much any more. It isn't about what you own.. how good you look, what you drive, what house you live in; life is about God and reaching out to those people who don't see any light at the end of the tunnel and helping them find hope in a what can be really lonely world.
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