Oh ipod icing....

So I was actually getting a lot of use out my ipod lately (I recently found I really get a lot out of the Bible/Message if I listen to it... the story is more clear) and figured I would take it to Men's Fraternity (to run music off it) instead of my computer this week. So I did and it worked well. Then I went to work and it was in my coat pocket, then I went to the doctors office and used it while waiting in my room.... and I haven't seen it since. So I know I had it at the Dr's office and now I don't have it. And they haven't seen it either and I went out to eat with my friend Jack and the restaurant doesn't have it either. SIGH.... crap..... I want that back and I don't have an cash to buy one but oh well I guess.

This is just a little icing on the cake of frustrations right now.... I am just tired and pissed off and tired of being tired. I need to be praying more I do know that. I just don't know what to do. I know what I want to do in life but life is not that simple, now is it? I want to go one way and God or just circumstances is maybe taking me somewhere else.. all I know is that I am hoping to pay all the bills this month... it will be the most tight since we have been married.

God .... I just don't know what to do. I need an open door from you. I am tired and am ready to be done with it all. I am not excited about the next phase of life... it looks like it is going to be not so much fun.

You know what I have learned in this all? There is just a reality that life is not too fun when you are barely making it. And you know what else... I think I lost of bit of the real world by living and breathing in a Christian bubble. In some ways, Menards is kind of refreshing... not that being at church was bad but Menards is the daily grind. Just people working, people in real everyday life. It is interesting... I understand more. Why people think the way they do about life and money and other people. Life is pretty dark if there is no relief by having Christ in your life.

Another thing I want to do is read the book Nickel and Dimed (Not Getting by in America) by Barbara Ehrenreich. It is written by a reporter who just tries to survive working at minimum wage job. Here is what the back cover says.

"Millions of Americans work for poverty-level wages, and one day Barbara Ehrenreich decided to join them. She was inspired in part by the rhetoric surrounding welfare reform, which promised that any job equals a better life. But how can anyone survive, let alone prosper, on $6 to $7 an hour?

To find out, Ehrenreich moved from Florida to Maine to Minnesota, taking the cheapest lodgings available and accepting work as a waitress, hotel maid, house cleaner, nursing-home aide, and Wal-Mart salesperson. She soon discovered that even the "lowliest" occupations require exhausting mental and physical efforts. And one job is not enough; you need at least two if you intend to live indoors.

Nickel and Dimed reveals low-wage America in all its tenacity, anxiety, and surprising generosity -- a land of Big Boxes, fast food, and a thousand desperate strategies for survival. Instantly acclaimed for its insight, humor, and passion, this book is changing the way America perceives its working poor."

I think if one thing my situation does is that it makes me realize just a touch more what people go through everyday to get by (and I don't even consider myself poor... I am not poor in may cases). Its crazy. Life is simply just... "work to survive" mentality... nothing more. No light at the end of the tunnel for so many people. I am fortunate enough to know a lot of people who would help me find a job and I also have a college degree but for so many others... life really can feel like it is taking you nowhere. Even for me the daily grind sometimes seems like a path to nowhere. I have been blessed with so much compared to so many others... but still my family is on the most government programs that we can be (except food stamps).

This might sound kind of crazy but it is a blessing to be in this situation... I hate it... but it has completely changed me. I think most of... well... a lot of... my pride has died. I just care less and less about "looking poor" (I don't really care what people think of me). Having my family in this situation often makes me mad and at myself that I can't take care of them better but I definitely look at life differently after all of this.

Growing up. my family wasn't rich but they took pride in having the money they did. They liked having stuff... I grew uo liking to have things. But now, I frankly just die day by day to the importance of a lot of money. I just want to pay off my debts and make enough to survive and save a little. Life is seemingly 10x as stressful but 20x less complicated. I just live to love God and love my family. Stuff doesn't matter much any more. It isn't about what you own.. how good you look, what you drive, what house you live in; life is about God and reaching out to those people who don't see any light at the end of the tunnel and helping them find hope in a what can be really lonely world.
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Missing Creativity

So I am doing freelance video work and I am now starting to not like video as much. It is forced; time is what is important.... creativity is a distant second at best. I miss the creativity. People don't want creative most of the time, it just matters how fast you move "the product" to their door step.

I think I am running into exactly what my friend Jay (who happens to be a really good artist especially in pottery) said to me a while back. He told me that when you are forced to just produce and use your creativity to just simply make money as quickly as possible you being to lose enjoyment in what you used to love.

Now I wouldn't call myself an artist... I think am creative though. I love creative stuff and I think that way with color and sound and stuff that simulates the senses... I live by emotion. I just can't continue to "crank out" videos to just get some cash.... but at the same time the fam needs to eat so I will do whatever it takes to make the money.

So what do I do? Hopefully something will open up but at this point I am willing to drop media to pursue a job that is more about people and God, but who knows. I guess God controls the outcome.... the problem is as I said in my last blog I have to wait. But I do know just doing practical videos everyday is "killing my creativity" in a lot of ways... so I will have to do something about that.

Wait

So I guess I just have to wait. I don't really like waiting though. I want things now and my way. Unfortunately that rarely happens... which is probably actually good because I would have done some stupid things and missed a lot of cool stuff if I would have been given what I wanted when I wanted it.

What am I referring to you might ask...?? Oh, just my job, where I want to work, what I want to do... just life direction in general... just minor stuff you know? I am frustrated... and I am tired of waiting. I can't wait anymore in a lot of cases. I need to find a job so I can pay the bills. I would prefer it not to be a total stinker of a job and hopefully make enough money to stay a float but I don't have any idea what I am going to do. I just know I have a passion for people and a passion for the Church... and media can be thrown in there to if need be (I still like audio and video). So that is that... I need to find a job doing something with people and the Church.... that will be easy to find... nope... not so much. I talked to a friend today (he is a business savvy guy) and he said I should call like 50 ministries and see if they need a part time (or full time) media guy or something like that. Maybe I will do that but frankly it sounds kind of unappealing and I don't know if I would end up somewhere I would hate. I wish just one time a job would "drop" in my lap BUT I guess that just isn't life is it? SIGH..... I am just tired... I am super frustrated.

So now I am stuck and for the first time in my life I am kind of mad at God. I just earlier this year was thinking that I have never really been mad at God but here I am. I want to go into ministry but by the looks of it am going to be stuck doing something I probably don't really enjoy. And the funny thing is.... the crappy thing is... I think that is the case for many people... dreams are killed quickly by the reality of the crappy world we live in. High demand, high stress and probably not much money. But this is just me being negative... all I know is that I love God and people and want to see what "Church" really is.. I want to get past all of the fluff, all of the show of people in churches and get down to the basics. Just having TRUE relationship with God and with others. But ultimately I don't know what is going to happen. I guess that is up to God

B-Day #2

Wow, I have a 2 year old... that is crazy.... but he is awesome! I love my kids. If ask anyone asked Noelen how old he was now, he will tell you very confidently that he is 3... he has just decided he likes the number 3 so that is how old he is.

Noelen had a good party and had a blast eating food. He didn't care about the presents ... with the exception of a Cookie Monster flashlight from the Van Wierens. He mostly just liked to eat everything he could get his hands on... which was a lot of food. I thought he was going to puke... but he didn't. He also did like to run around with a box on his head.... so many things are fun as a 2 year old.

Here are a couple of happy snaps

So....

To start ...I was just going to say that Church (as we know it) is so confusing. I just don't get it, it would seem that it could be more simple with Christians but I think unfortunately religion mixed in with most things seem to just make things more confusing. One person that has impressed me (when it comes to Church and leadership) has been Jared... I know you probably will never read this but I wanted to say I was impressed with your decision to step down and how graciously you have done this. If there is one thing about Jared he is a man of his word.... I can dig that... :)

Anyways, life is kind of sucky and confusing right now. I am tired. I am in the daily grind at Menards. I am trying to get more work for freelance video stuff and at the same time I have just found out that there could be a job in the works for me at church. That would seem to be good but all of a sudden I have just run out of freelance jobs so I am unsure of how to get to next month (which is more than likely when the church thing will pan out).
Oh well.... I guess. It is hard for me to trust God in this.... it is always easier said then done. But that said... I haven't had to go without food or necessities yet. Thanks God......