So I was really anxious all weekend.... and really all week. I have no idea why.... it could have been because my dad was coming over this weekend but I don't think so (who knows though). I did realize in the past week I have read my Bible less and prayed less and as a result I have been more stressed and less patient. It is not a good combo. I am realizing I need to get up earlier for work... give myself some time to just get ready and not hurry all day (plus Noelen has been getting up between 5:45-7:00am every morning so I need to beat him getting up... so he doesn't get into everything).... like this morning.... when I woke up, I went downstairs to see a silohotte of him stop dead in his tracks (as he saw me) and then take off running as fast as he could into the bathroom; slamming the door behind him. Of course at this point, I run after him and open the bathroom door and see what he has. He had been into Catie's pursue and was eating her gum.... I wasn't too mad about that... It was a bit frustrating but more humorous.
He is funny about trying to hide things he does now. He will get something and hide under the table. Or yesterday he went into the kitchen and took the whole container of raisins and put them in his bowl. I wouldn't have noticed if he hadden't been trying to cover his bowl up (that I gave him earlier). If he would have just acted natural... I wouldn't have noticed but because when I came in the room he tried not to look at me and was using both hands to cover his bowl... I knew something was up. And later I paid for his mistake with 3 messy poop diapers... too many raisins....
Every time he hides I always think of the story of Adam and Eve trying to hide from God in the garden. It is funny.. well not really but kind of. Because it is not like God didn't know what was going on... come on he is God. He is like the ultimate parent... nothing gets by him. So when all of a sudden your children are hiding from you, and wearing clothes.... you quickly figure out they did something stupid... something they shouldn't have done. It just makes me remember that you can hide nothing from God. (not that I have tons of secrets). But for me something I struggle with sometimes is anger... I keep it inside a lot but still... God knows my heart. He know the words that God through my mind.... he know my angry thoughts, my lustful thoughts, my prideful and selfish thoughts... all of them.
I think as I go through this week I need to really remember to start out every prayer with a time of repentance.... when Catie and I went through that audio series together I think that was the best pray of it.... during every prayer time there was a repentance time... it just cleared the lines between me and God... I could feel it.
So as I move on this week I need to remember to submit to God, and send time with him. Be COMPLETELY open to him. Telling him all of me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
This week
This week really flew by... I think in a good way. I always look forward to the weekend... and I am looking forward to this weekend (for the most part).
This week was not a great week in the pursuing God week. I just was busy with a lot of other stuff and didn't stop and take the time to really pray and seek God in my week... and as a result life felt a bit more rushed and I felt a bit more anxious.... not a good idea. After spending time with God your life shows a difference when you have spent no time doing it. I can feel it. I can see it in how I react to situations.. how I react to my wife and kids and friends. The world just looks different when you are plugged into God; when you tap into the God power supply... when you actually rely on God for every single day... rely on him for your "daily bread"... each and everyday. It is hard when you stop making your plans... rip them up and throw them away and just go where the wind (God) blows you. Let me tell you living in that.. living in that everyday.... is hard.... but so freeing. It is an unbelievable feeling to just let go and free fall.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he was telling me about how much his life has changed since he just let go. He works as a independent contractor and has a little house church that he leads... so income is not exactly as steady as it gets. He said that it took him a while to get into the groove of things... to really let go... he said it was really hard for his wife too, to not have that constant security. But now, now he says it is great and freeing (and his wife is more laid back about it than he is) and in a lot of ways a lot more biblical (not that you have to live that way). He just said that in the bible it talks about putting all of your faith in God... to let him lead you daily.. going where he wants you to, talking to who he wants you to, taking time to listen and seek. He said, "I just think in American culture 90% of people, including Christians, have no idea what it means to live with total faith in God.
Imagine living in total abandonment to God... total abandonment; meaning you through out everything. You threw out the norm of what culture thinks you need.. you threw out the norm of the what you think you need, you threw out the norm of the way you are "supposed" to act and just was lead by the Holy Spirit. That would be hard. I have seen some of the fruits of it though.... and they are tasty! So I went on to ask my friend, "Do you think that everyone could give up all they have and just let God lead? Is everyone called to that? Because in some ways I think it takes a certain personality to do that....". And I still do wonder if everyone is called to let go.
The funny thing for me is that I an using all of these phrases that Christians use "Let go and let God", "Giving everything to God", "Living by the Spirit".... yep... I heard it a thousand times before... but really 99% of Christians have no idea what that means. They might for a portion of their lives; in the hard times, a time when a loved one is sick or hurt, a time when things are financially tight.... but never a life style change. I don't even think a lot of pastors (that use these phrases) know what that means. It is a complete and total reversal of what our culture is (and most pastors live very similar lives to the rest of the culture). It is a complete and total reversal of what we as Americans think a normal life is... we live by "kind of" faith in God.... and in "kind of faith" we realize when it comes down too it, we lack real faith (I sure did/do). Now I am not saying people don't believe in God, or have faith that there is a God, or love God less, but they ultimately have never had to go into full reliance on God... a total change in mentality (because lets be honest the natural thing of us to do as humans is try to fix the situations that aren't working for them, in fact the idea of giving everything up to God is kind of counter intuitive.)
All of this has reminded me of two parts of scripture this week. The first on is Phil 4:12-13
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I have been thinking about this verse a lot in our financially hard time, it just makes sense to me more now than ever before... an talks about just finding contentment (which I didn't have even when I had more money). The second passage is the one about the Rich Young man
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifeb]">[b]?
This week was not a great week in the pursuing God week. I just was busy with a lot of other stuff and didn't stop and take the time to really pray and seek God in my week... and as a result life felt a bit more rushed and I felt a bit more anxious.... not a good idea. After spending time with God your life shows a difference when you have spent no time doing it. I can feel it. I can see it in how I react to situations.. how I react to my wife and kids and friends. The world just looks different when you are plugged into God; when you tap into the God power supply... when you actually rely on God for every single day... rely on him for your "daily bread"... each and everyday. It is hard when you stop making your plans... rip them up and throw them away and just go where the wind (God) blows you. Let me tell you living in that.. living in that everyday.... is hard.... but so freeing. It is an unbelievable feeling to just let go and free fall.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he was telling me about how much his life has changed since he just let go. He works as a independent contractor and has a little house church that he leads... so income is not exactly as steady as it gets. He said that it took him a while to get into the groove of things... to really let go... he said it was really hard for his wife too, to not have that constant security. But now, now he says it is great and freeing (and his wife is more laid back about it than he is) and in a lot of ways a lot more biblical (not that you have to live that way). He just said that in the bible it talks about putting all of your faith in God... to let him lead you daily.. going where he wants you to, talking to who he wants you to, taking time to listen and seek. He said, "I just think in American culture 90% of people, including Christians, have no idea what it means to live with total faith in God.
Imagine living in total abandonment to God... total abandonment; meaning you through out everything. You threw out the norm of what culture thinks you need.. you threw out the norm of the what you think you need, you threw out the norm of the way you are "supposed" to act and just was lead by the Holy Spirit. That would be hard. I have seen some of the fruits of it though.... and they are tasty! So I went on to ask my friend, "Do you think that everyone could give up all they have and just let God lead? Is everyone called to that? Because in some ways I think it takes a certain personality to do that....". And I still do wonder if everyone is called to let go.
The funny thing for me is that I an using all of these phrases that Christians use "Let go and let God", "Giving everything to God", "Living by the Spirit".... yep... I heard it a thousand times before... but really 99% of Christians have no idea what that means. They might for a portion of their lives; in the hard times, a time when a loved one is sick or hurt, a time when things are financially tight.... but never a life style change. I don't even think a lot of pastors (that use these phrases) know what that means. It is a complete and total reversal of what our culture is (and most pastors live very similar lives to the rest of the culture). It is a complete and total reversal of what we as Americans think a normal life is... we live by "kind of" faith in God.... and in "kind of faith" we realize when it comes down too it, we lack real faith (I sure did/do). Now I am not saying people don't believe in God, or have faith that there is a God, or love God less, but they ultimately have never had to go into full reliance on God... a total change in mentality (because lets be honest the natural thing of us to do as humans is try to fix the situations that aren't working for them, in fact the idea of giving everything up to God is kind of counter intuitive.)
All of this has reminded me of two parts of scripture this week. The first on is Phil 4:12-13
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I have been thinking about this verse a lot in our financially hard time, it just makes sense to me more now than ever before... an talks about just finding contentment (which I didn't have even when I had more money). The second passage is the one about the Rich Young man
21Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." 22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. 23Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." 25When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"26Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
I know it is hard not to put any of my faith in money... it is really hard... I still do it. But I am trying to let go of all of that. An be completely counter intuitive and just follow God each day... and focus on that day alone which bring to me tomy all time favorite passage25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifeb]">[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Only now I am really learning what this means.... it is a challenge but good for me. Hopefully I can become a counter intuitive ChristianMonday, February 9, 2009
One of those days
Yeah, it is a bummer day today. Just bummed about life today. This weekend was hard for some reason. I just went into it nervous about my future... nervous more about my families future.. nervous about money. I know that I haven't been seeking God in the way I need to be... putting all of my faith in him. I am still looking for jobs, still applying for jobs (even those I don't really want), and still trying to figure out what the heck is next for me in life. I think I am frustrated because I don't really have any idea what is next in life... that Catie and I had a big fight this weekend which revealed a lot about feelings about certain issues in life. I also hate the fact that she wants to work less and she is scared all the time about paying bills and where more money is going to come from... I think I am a bit scared to but a lot more of the pressure I feel is because I really want to make Catie feel comfortable.
I just don't get it all. I know the economy plays a big roll in everything but seriously... I have NO PLAN to go anywhere. Here is the bottom line, just doing media is not interesting to me a lot of the time... most of the time. PLus my media experience is good enough to get me into another church... but still at the bottom rung. I think seriously, I have been doing video and audio for 4-5 years professionally... if that was a pastor or youth leader a lot more churches would want me... but there are a lot less churches with video guys... then pastors :)
So the question is where do I go now? Where do I head? I will do whatever for a year BUT I have been doing jobs for the past few years that don't really have room for growth and that has left me where I am now... with no job and apparently not enough experience to get a job that actually pays for experience. I am glad I had the experience in media because I now have a better idea of what I want to do.. but still I need a job now that points me somewhere. I can't be 30 and still be making $20,000 or less a year. And I am a person that needs to at least relatively enjoy his job... I think most people do. I need to look to my future... I don't need to start at the bottom rung of a media job that I don't want to be at, making no more money than I am now. It needs to make sense... but nothing seems to make sense. One thing I do know: I DO NOT WANT TO DO MEDIA IN MY FUTURE!!!!!!! I do not like doing videos anymore... I think it is boring and makes no real difference in the world... and I spend too much time alone. So it makes no sense for me to set myself up to go through the ringer of a media job, all while hoping to leave the entire time. It would be the same as me telling someone, go to a job that you make no real money at doing something you don't want to do and has no future for you. I don't need media resume experience (except maybe in internet). I have that. I need a resume that show that I want to work with people.
I feel like I am 3 years behind where I need to be because I spent time in media figuring out that I didn't really want to do it.... at least not in any way that is similar to what I have been doing. I just want to help people. I think that is the most valuable thing that I have learned in all of this. I know I should "Take anything that comes my way".... of course that is easier said than done. It would be no problem if I didn't have kids... but I do... and that is a factor. If I get a job @ $12 an hour and have to drive any distance at all and pay for babysitting (which is at the lowest amount $9 hr for 3 kids plus gas). I just can see it making sense. If Catie was making more money.. it would be different. If either of us had a flexible job it would be different... it is just hard. I am not looking for the perfect job as that clearly will not happened an I have known that for a while (perfect would be 40-50k a year, with good benefits and me working helping people).
So all of this said. Nothing makes sense. I still have been slowly reading Ecclesiastes and that is the theme the whole time. The world don't make sense. Life doesn't make sense... really there is no point. Except to serve God and praise God. It is hard to comprehend but all of this life and all of it hardships don't really have to do with the person or the personallity. It all lead to the same place... death. What matters is your life center around God.. because ultimately in the future that is what matters.
I think that is what I need to remember in all of this. If God tells me "Pursue me" and I don't do it and then feel more stressed. It seems quiet obvious what the problem is... I am not following the instuctions of God.... whether they seem foolish or not. Logically I should be freaking out but God just said, "Pursue me" and apparently that means he will take care of the rest. Ok God... my eggs are in your basket. Just allow me to trust that you won't drop them.
I just don't get it all. I know the economy plays a big roll in everything but seriously... I have NO PLAN to go anywhere. Here is the bottom line, just doing media is not interesting to me a lot of the time... most of the time. PLus my media experience is good enough to get me into another church... but still at the bottom rung. I think seriously, I have been doing video and audio for 4-5 years professionally... if that was a pastor or youth leader a lot more churches would want me... but there are a lot less churches with video guys... then pastors :)
So the question is where do I go now? Where do I head? I will do whatever for a year BUT I have been doing jobs for the past few years that don't really have room for growth and that has left me where I am now... with no job and apparently not enough experience to get a job that actually pays for experience. I am glad I had the experience in media because I now have a better idea of what I want to do.. but still I need a job now that points me somewhere. I can't be 30 and still be making $20,000 or less a year. And I am a person that needs to at least relatively enjoy his job... I think most people do. I need to look to my future... I don't need to start at the bottom rung of a media job that I don't want to be at, making no more money than I am now. It needs to make sense... but nothing seems to make sense. One thing I do know: I DO NOT WANT TO DO MEDIA IN MY FUTURE!!!!!!! I do not like doing videos anymore... I think it is boring and makes no real difference in the world... and I spend too much time alone. So it makes no sense for me to set myself up to go through the ringer of a media job, all while hoping to leave the entire time. It would be the same as me telling someone, go to a job that you make no real money at doing something you don't want to do and has no future for you. I don't need media resume experience (except maybe in internet). I have that. I need a resume that show that I want to work with people.
I feel like I am 3 years behind where I need to be because I spent time in media figuring out that I didn't really want to do it.... at least not in any way that is similar to what I have been doing. I just want to help people. I think that is the most valuable thing that I have learned in all of this. I know I should "Take anything that comes my way".... of course that is easier said than done. It would be no problem if I didn't have kids... but I do... and that is a factor. If I get a job @ $12 an hour and have to drive any distance at all and pay for babysitting (which is at the lowest amount $9 hr for 3 kids plus gas). I just can see it making sense. If Catie was making more money.. it would be different. If either of us had a flexible job it would be different... it is just hard. I am not looking for the perfect job as that clearly will not happened an I have known that for a while (perfect would be 40-50k a year, with good benefits and me working helping people).
So all of this said. Nothing makes sense. I still have been slowly reading Ecclesiastes and that is the theme the whole time. The world don't make sense. Life doesn't make sense... really there is no point. Except to serve God and praise God. It is hard to comprehend but all of this life and all of it hardships don't really have to do with the person or the personallity. It all lead to the same place... death. What matters is your life center around God.. because ultimately in the future that is what matters.
I think that is what I need to remember in all of this. If God tells me "Pursue me" and I don't do it and then feel more stressed. It seems quiet obvious what the problem is... I am not following the instuctions of God.... whether they seem foolish or not. Logically I should be freaking out but God just said, "Pursue me" and apparently that means he will take care of the rest. Ok God... my eggs are in your basket. Just allow me to trust that you won't drop them.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Another Sunny day
So Catie and I were talking yesterday about jobs and life and attitude about life... it was a good conversation. We just both realized that we feel there is something better coming for us soon. She has been feeling stressed about bills lately but I just am at peace with most stuff right now. I am nervous about finding a job and really want to find a job BUT I am just taking it one day at a time and not freaking out about anything right now. Am I stressed... yeah, a little. But I need to just focus on God and be diligent in looking for a job but not crazy about looking for a job.
In fact Catie and I went to a job fair thing at Ridge Point yesterday evening and it was really helpful. We got to talk to insurance people and Michigan Works people. It was good. I think I might be getting a job at the Census office or with the Census agency because that starts this year/next year. It is a government job so they pay pretty well and have good benefit and give a lot of time off. I had called them twice and they called back days later and then I would call again and they would call back a week later (again when I was working). So apparently if you miss their call they give you the same number you originally called and you then start over .... every since time. So if I miss their call... then I have to go to the back of the line AGAIN. Stupid setup. But the Michigan Works lady said she was going to call the head guy today anyways and because I had a college degree I would be of higher interest... so here's to hoping!
Yet at the same time I am in process of talking to a non-profit about doing Americorps with them full-time. But it isn't setup yet which will probably take 3 months... at least that is what it said online at the Americorps website. I would personally rather do the Americorps one.... I think. But the insurance and more money would be more nice... and I think if I passed the test they give I could have a job right away. I guess it all depends on how everything works out. It would seem that the Census make the most sense BUT I guess if I was offered the job it would depend on pay and so forth.
I know the Americorps job is not really good pay at all BUT it would lead to bigger things... make me more marketable in the field I like (social services/ministry stuff). It only would pay around $900-$1000 a month but that is not full-time (I would still work at Menards), it is crazy flexible and would would pay for my insurance, $6,000 to pay off student loans, and pay for babysitting. Plus it is right up my alley as far as things I want to do in life.
The Census on the other hand job would pay $11-$15 an hour, at least, and give me good benefits and a lot of holidays... and I would know more if it came up. I hopefully would get in a position where I work with people and not with data. I would rather go door to door gathering data than sit in an office all day.
So we will see how it all pans out but I believe that God is in control and I have a peace that he is. I know he is bigger than what is going on here. I believe he is bigger than me... I am learning a lot and still working to "Pursue" him with all of me. (I am working on that but it is always on my mind). So as always, I leave this in God's hands.
In fact Catie and I went to a job fair thing at Ridge Point yesterday evening and it was really helpful. We got to talk to insurance people and Michigan Works people. It was good. I think I might be getting a job at the Census office or with the Census agency because that starts this year/next year. It is a government job so they pay pretty well and have good benefit and give a lot of time off. I had called them twice and they called back days later and then I would call again and they would call back a week later (again when I was working). So apparently if you miss their call they give you the same number you originally called and you then start over .... every since time. So if I miss their call... then I have to go to the back of the line AGAIN. Stupid setup. But the Michigan Works lady said she was going to call the head guy today anyways and because I had a college degree I would be of higher interest... so here's to hoping!
Yet at the same time I am in process of talking to a non-profit about doing Americorps with them full-time. But it isn't setup yet which will probably take 3 months... at least that is what it said online at the Americorps website. I would personally rather do the Americorps one.... I think. But the insurance and more money would be more nice... and I think if I passed the test they give I could have a job right away. I guess it all depends on how everything works out. It would seem that the Census make the most sense BUT I guess if I was offered the job it would depend on pay and so forth.
I know the Americorps job is not really good pay at all BUT it would lead to bigger things... make me more marketable in the field I like (social services/ministry stuff). It only would pay around $900-$1000 a month but that is not full-time (I would still work at Menards), it is crazy flexible and would would pay for my insurance, $6,000 to pay off student loans, and pay for babysitting. Plus it is right up my alley as far as things I want to do in life.
The Census on the other hand job would pay $11-$15 an hour, at least, and give me good benefits and a lot of holidays... and I would know more if it came up. I hopefully would get in a position where I work with people and not with data. I would rather go door to door gathering data than sit in an office all day.
So we will see how it all pans out but I believe that God is in control and I have a peace that he is. I know he is bigger than what is going on here. I believe he is bigger than me... I am learning a lot and still working to "Pursue" him with all of me. (I am working on that but it is always on my mind). So as always, I leave this in God's hands.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sunny day
Wow, I just read over my last post... the typos were awesome!
Anywho.....
Just taking sometime by myself to chill out and blog. The kids are in bed ... I don't remember the last time all 3 kids were in bed at the same time.
If fell kind of stressed out right now (like I am supposed to be frantically doing something.. as I have been for 2 weeks). But I am just trying to relax and enjoy the sun.. of course with the sun always comes cold weather or so it seems... the clouds are no fun but they keep it warmer. So would you rather have it cold and sunny or warmer and cloudy... I think I will take cold and sunny... it reminds me of spring more.... I miss spring... :) It is coming.
It has been a long winter and I hope that spring brings something new... warmth... a job. I just am ready for refreshing. Something new... I am excited about what is around the corner... even though I have no idea what it holds. I know it will be better... I just have that hope... I have faith that things will look up in time. I think a big part of really wanting a good job is wanting Catie to be able to be home more. She wants to be home more and she tells me that a lot. And honestly I want that for her. I want her to be able to stay home more if she wants.... she needs some kind of a job (as she needs a chance to get out more) but she misses the kids. Which is really cool.. considering she was never like that before. She always thought she would want to work full time but she really wants just be at home more... I would like that too.
So hopefully God has something for me.... but still I do appreciate what I have learned in this time off.
Anywho.....
Just taking sometime by myself to chill out and blog. The kids are in bed ... I don't remember the last time all 3 kids were in bed at the same time.
If fell kind of stressed out right now (like I am supposed to be frantically doing something.. as I have been for 2 weeks). But I am just trying to relax and enjoy the sun.. of course with the sun always comes cold weather or so it seems... the clouds are no fun but they keep it warmer. So would you rather have it cold and sunny or warmer and cloudy... I think I will take cold and sunny... it reminds me of spring more.... I miss spring... :) It is coming.
It has been a long winter and I hope that spring brings something new... warmth... a job. I just am ready for refreshing. Something new... I am excited about what is around the corner... even though I have no idea what it holds. I know it will be better... I just have that hope... I have faith that things will look up in time. I think a big part of really wanting a good job is wanting Catie to be able to be home more. She wants to be home more and she tells me that a lot. And honestly I want that for her. I want her to be able to stay home more if she wants.... she needs some kind of a job (as she needs a chance to get out more) but she misses the kids. Which is really cool.. considering she was never like that before. She always thought she would want to work full time but she really wants just be at home more... I would like that too.
So hopefully God has something for me.... but still I do appreciate what I have learned in this time off.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Well...
So its been a while it seems. I have thought about writing quite a few time but haven't had the time. Last week I edited a wedding everyday of the week and was working 12 hr days (from Menards to kids back to video editing), so it was a stressful week. It was stressful enough to where I was clinching my teeth... I can feel it in my jaw the last 2 days. I have just been stressed again. I still do need a job of some sort. I think I am going to be working doing Americorps with a friend in our near by neighborhood... but that is still a couple of months away at this point.... hopefuly sooner but probably not. Because of lack of work and some medical bill we are behind on some stuff and that makes it harder to take a job that doesn't pay much. I am just trusting that God knows what is best... (and in my busy week I forgot to really pursue God). I just know that God has this whole thing under control... the whole economy. It is up to God to take care of it.
I just feel a bit like I am drowning with a lack of money.... mostly due to medical bills that the insurance has decided not to cover. We have been fighting with them for 6 months on this issue and we kept going back and forth but finally they decided that they didn't have to cover by bill to the emergency room due to a "pre-existing condition" so now it is up to me to pay 1000+ dollars back to the hospital.... plus my vasetomy bill as well (I knew about the vasectomy but was told by the doctor it would cost less.... and then because they didn't cover the vasectomy and it was the medicine that caused the allergic reaction to medicine that was given for it). So that is that I guess. I am just tired of fighting... we have been fighting with someone about something since we have been married (now we are in the process of fighting about our roof and siding because the guy who did it did a crappy job... so now we may be going to small claims court about it... oh what fun!
So Catie and I have been discussing what skills we need to have to get ahead in the world. What jobs are around and not going anywhere? Medical and Internet... those are the two big ones. So since neither of us are into medical stuff we realize that learning internet design and programming might be the bext best step for us. So we have been looking into classes (we can get a bunch of financial help wiht school under the "No worker left behind" thing that the state does... that is one option. We also know that in oder to do a lot of that we need software too (and most likely a different computer so I can work at home on video stuff too). And yesterday we found a great deal on a computer and all the software I want already on the computer (on craigslist). I called the guy and he said he works at a Seventh day Adventist church on 32nd. But the more i looked into the computer and software the more I wondered if it was legal software. He said it was legal and for him it is legal... he had all the copies of the software BUT he wasn't going to give me any of the licenses or discs... so technically I would still be using his software on my computer... he had multiple computer licenses (because he works at a church) but legally those multiple computer licenses have to stay in the same building. I told his this after I research it but he didn't seem to care. It was probably $4,500 computer and software for like $1,500..... arrrrrggggggggggggggg... it was a too good to be true deal. I could have done it and never gotten caught because the license and software is legal and legit BUT me having on my computer is not.. it would be like if a friend gave it to me. The guy selling it said "Its like I am say it is ok to share with you". And I just thought.... nope its not ok... but crap was tht ever tempting... it still is. that is a great deal... it had everything I wanted and needed already there because he did the same stuff I do.... bummer!!!! But I chose the better way I think. I probably will never get a deallike that again and in fact my never find that software for cheap but I just have to trust that it is the right thing. It is just very hard to make the right decision. But I know I did. It just wasn't a fun one. Sometimes I wonder why I do it... but I guess it it more about God then what I want.
So I am attempting not to be stressed out. I need to spend more time with God. In prayer and listening. I also want to spend time with Catie again praying each night... it was amazing and really made us feel closer. Yeah, this weekend and week I jusr realize how important my family and wife is to me. I missed them a lot this week (in my franticness).
But all in all I am trying to live by faith. I am trying to believe and trust that God has a plan for me that is bigger than myself. I am trying to be satisfied in my situation. It is hard but good.
I just feel a bit like I am drowning with a lack of money.... mostly due to medical bills that the insurance has decided not to cover. We have been fighting with them for 6 months on this issue and we kept going back and forth but finally they decided that they didn't have to cover by bill to the emergency room due to a "pre-existing condition" so now it is up to me to pay 1000+ dollars back to the hospital.... plus my vasetomy bill as well (I knew about the vasectomy but was told by the doctor it would cost less.... and then because they didn't cover the vasectomy and it was the medicine that caused the allergic reaction to medicine that was given for it). So that is that I guess. I am just tired of fighting... we have been fighting with someone about something since we have been married (now we are in the process of fighting about our roof and siding because the guy who did it did a crappy job... so now we may be going to small claims court about it... oh what fun!
So Catie and I have been discussing what skills we need to have to get ahead in the world. What jobs are around and not going anywhere? Medical and Internet... those are the two big ones. So since neither of us are into medical stuff we realize that learning internet design and programming might be the bext best step for us. So we have been looking into classes (we can get a bunch of financial help wiht school under the "No worker left behind" thing that the state does... that is one option. We also know that in oder to do a lot of that we need software too (and most likely a different computer so I can work at home on video stuff too). And yesterday we found a great deal on a computer and all the software I want already on the computer (on craigslist). I called the guy and he said he works at a Seventh day Adventist church on 32nd. But the more i looked into the computer and software the more I wondered if it was legal software. He said it was legal and for him it is legal... he had all the copies of the software BUT he wasn't going to give me any of the licenses or discs... so technically I would still be using his software on my computer... he had multiple computer licenses (because he works at a church) but legally those multiple computer licenses have to stay in the same building. I told his this after I research it but he didn't seem to care. It was probably $4,500 computer and software for like $1,500..... arrrrrggggggggggggggg... it was a too good to be true deal. I could have done it and never gotten caught because the license and software is legal and legit BUT me having on my computer is not.. it would be like if a friend gave it to me. The guy selling it said "Its like I am say it is ok to share with you". And I just thought.... nope its not ok... but crap was tht ever tempting... it still is. that is a great deal... it had everything I wanted and needed already there because he did the same stuff I do.... bummer!!!! But I chose the better way I think. I probably will never get a deallike that again and in fact my never find that software for cheap but I just have to trust that it is the right thing. It is just very hard to make the right decision. But I know I did. It just wasn't a fun one. Sometimes I wonder why I do it... but I guess it it more about God then what I want.
So I am attempting not to be stressed out. I need to spend more time with God. In prayer and listening. I also want to spend time with Catie again praying each night... it was amazing and really made us feel closer. Yeah, this weekend and week I jusr realize how important my family and wife is to me. I missed them a lot this week (in my franticness).
But all in all I am trying to live by faith. I am trying to believe and trust that God has a plan for me that is bigger than myself. I am trying to be satisfied in my situation. It is hard but good.
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