Doomed!

Its funny I am at home more and have less time to blog... I miss blogging more.



So it seems that the whole US economy is doomed. At least that is what the news says and everyone else seems to think. That is what I feel right now. Seriously, I hate looking for jobs... I am at about 80 resumes and the jobs that I am applying for now are a real stretch. I am just so tired of the whole economy. I really wish I wouldn't have stayed with the church for the final 6 months that I really wanted. I would have had a job otherwise.... and now I have nothing.

Like sucks right now. I can't even tell you... I don't even have the words to say how I am feeling. I just wonder is God listening...? I just sometimes really really wonder that. I think He is... but lately.. I am not sure that is true. I just feel abandoned. I think part of it is my fault but I just feel so alone. So alone. I try to pray but I am getting to the point where I just don't want to anymore. I just wonder, is there a point?

Menards is wearing on me a bit. I don't usually mind the people but I am so angry I just don't care who I piss off anymore. Today, I was mad at a girl in my department who was on a power trip and was trying to tell me what to do (although she has no authority over me)... and before, I probably wouldn't have said anything but lately I have just been so mad. I didn't really snap, I just gave her a dirty look and then ignored what she said to me. Later I apologized (I didn't want to but I felt like God wanted me to do it so I did). I am just so angry inside.....overwhelming anger. Mad at everyone anger. Seriously, what I have I done, that this is life for me?

Noelen has been super naughty the last few weeks. Really bad. Like ate mouse poison, broke all the eggs in the fridge all over the house, made other messes naughty. He was getting up before Catie and doing all of that ) at like 6:30am. So now he is stuck in his room until Catie gets him up. I know he is 3 and super curious. He really is great but I know he knows Catie and I have been fighting and that we both are depressed. (Catie is having a really hard time. I wish she had insurance to go to the doctor but that isn't happening.... and to top it off she has a really bad cavity and we don't have dental insurance either... but the first of the year I am going to get some from Menards). Anyways, like is honestly terrible. I am so freakin tired. It is unbelievable. I wish I could have a break from my kids.... it isn't all them for sure but our house is already stressed right now and then adding in 3 young kids and it is maddening. I know it was our choice to have the kids so close but I thought life would get better as I got older.... it just isn't it is getting worse and I really don't see an end in sight. I am tired of going to food distributions at different churches, I am tired of having no insurance, I am tired of not having a good job, I am tired of kids screaming, I am tired of life kicking me in the face over and over again. Where are the breaks in life? I don't feel like I have made the worse life decisions (I am not into drugs, drinking and stay out of trouble.... Catie and I are both educated.... but we it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Seriously, what the hell?

Its not that I don't want a job. Its more that I need a job that makes it worth getting a babysitter. I can't go work for less than what Catie and I pay a babysitter to watch the kids. It doesn't work... the numbers don't work. I can't go out and "take any job" (as I have been told to) and think I will be any better off. I just doesn't add up. I should have been a teacher or lived somewhere else. Catie asked if I wanted to move today.... I don't, not at all. It makes me angry to think of moving.... and moving would completely screw us over even more financially unless the job was a killer job.

I am running out of time financially and running out of patience with life.