Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Years Eve

Well, here we go here comes another year. I am glad this year is over hopefully we can have fresh start as this year was far from amazing. That being said.... I have learned so much, about myself especially. I have realized I need to change a lot of things and also through the hard times I have been forced to change a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise. Hopefully this year will bring a new job (I have an interview with Heights of Hope on Friday) and a better economy for the nation as a whole.


So here is my year end reflection:

I realized I stressed out a lot this year. Catie had told me I have been much more tense since my parents started having problems 4 yrs ago... that is a long time... and not healthy for me or others around me. I have realized this year that I need to work on stress. I had found peace in my life being not full of stress before and now my life has a lot more stress and I realized I really didn't have my faith in Christ taking all my worries. I had faith in my regularity, money and the things that I was able to do... I wasn't living by faith. This year I learned a little more what it means to trust God when you have no control of your life. I am still working on letting go and giving my junk to God.

My kids grew and we had my last baby this year.... Judah Joshua. He is awesome and I am actually really glad that he was the last one... just that makes me less stressed :) I love my kids though. In this year they have really grown... I have seen Noelen grown up from a baby into a little boy (weird) and Soe is now running all over the house and soon Jude will be crawling.... I love to see them grow and learn. They are amazing. They have brought their own stresses this year in their naughty times. (Noelen has gotten into medicine, mouse poison and tooth paste (yeah, he tried a bit of each... scary, but he was fine)). It has been a rough year on them but they are great. I just know they have seen and felt tons of stress around the house... next year I am making sure that is not the case.

We finished our basement this year... which is amazing considering we had no money at the time. This year the basement flooded with sewage 2-3 times and we lost a lot of stuff... especially the last time... we didn't catch it in time and it really backed up. But after cleaning up once with some good friends and the second time by myself... we called our insurance company and they replaced all of our stuff we lost....... including new carpet so now our basement is awesome.... we also replaced out main drain line to the city main line so now we won't be having sewage in our basement. YEAH! And the insurance company paid enough (because I did most of the work myself) to help us pay our mortgage when I lost my job at the church.... so God provided and I learned a lot in the process. In fact, I just finished the bathroom about a week ago... it looks pretty good... not perfect but there is no standing sewage in the shower and the floor is level and it has a sink and toilet.... so it is nice. (Actually it is the nicest bathroom in the house now... but that isn't saying too much). So being able to finish our basement and get paid for it was a big blessing. I didn't see it at the time but it was really a good thing.

The hardest part of the year was not having a job for months and months and months....
It has been stretching and defeating and horrible. My family went from paying bills to being behind and worrying about where the money was going to come from but again God provided some how. Through family and friends and random videos I've done, we have been able to make it month to month so far... honestly it is hard to believe... but in all of this I have learned so much. From humility to a real faith, it has all been stretching and continues to be stretching but I know it has been good for me. It has been necessary, in making me a stronger Christian. Helping me to actually be able to relate to other people. The people I most want to help in life.


If I could pick out one thing that I would take from the year it is the importance of community. Some one at church said that same thing on Sunday. When you have nothing, Christian community is all you have.... no things... no job but people who love you and will listen. (That is a big part of what being a Christian really is). I have learned that without true community, I am lost and lonely even with my wife and kids. I have learned that Christianity is all about community and sharing your life with one another. I have learned that I believe being in a small group in not only a good thing but a necessary thing. If you aren't in one you are probably more alone in life than you need to be and you probably aren't getting HONESTLY stretched as much as you need to be to be healthy and thriving. Don't lie to yourself, you need Christian community. I have heard excuses but they are all lame... Be open and get in a group that loves you.

well that is all for 2008..... here comes 2009

Sunday, December 28, 2008

For the Record


My heart is broken.... for the time being at least... the Lions are the first even 0-16 team! OUCH! I like them.... but maybe this will be enough to make the Ford family hire some people who know what they are doing. Just PLEASE have a good draft.... get some defense and some linemen (on either side of the ball). DO NOT DRAFT A QB #1!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I have to have a play off team to root for and here they are:
NFC-
I like: It looks like the Eagles will be in (barring a complete failure in the second half... eat it Cowboys). Second team would be the Panthers, I have always liked Smith and Delhomme and think they are often underrated
I dislike: The Giants... they are dumb

NFC PICK: I think Carolina is playing amazing right now.

AFC-
I like: The Chargers if they win. Second, the Dolphins are a good inspiring story for me as a Lions fan (1-15 last year) and playoffs this year... I think (there is 5 minutes left and they are winning right now)
I dislike: The Broncos and the Steelers and I don't really like Indy too much either... but they are good right now

AFC PICK: If the Steelers get it together they are really good right now (although I could see the Ravens being the Wild Card Super Bowl team).


Next year hopefully the Lions

Oh, Favre just threw another INT

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Well, its Christmas day... and I just woke up... and no one else is up! It is nice.

So life has been interesting lately. Pretty good... there have been a few bumps but the past week or so has been good. Hmmmmmm.... so what has happened.....

Well, it has snowed like crazy this week a TON of snow and then it rained yesterday.... I didn't like the rain at all but I was glad it wasn't more snow (we are running out of room on our road and alley... it keeps getting narrower and narrow with every snow ). But the snow has brought about some good things. I got to meet 2 neighbors because one time my car got stuck and a neighbor helped me and then yesterday my neighbor got stuck and I went and helped him.... so it has been good in some ways too.

The hard part has been that we haven't had our van and we have been driving the purple car everywhere.... and seriously, that car is TERRIBLE in the snow. It is so low to the ground it is like a sports car. You know right after a plow comes through how there are little snow mounds across the road? Well, I have been on roads that a 100 cars have driven over the snow mound and taken of the top layer and my car will still bottom out. Its annoying. But soon we will have our van back.

We had a huge problem come up with our van this week. It kept overheating so we took it in to get checked out and guess what..... the head gaskets were leaking..... and they were saying it was going to be $1500 to fix it. So I started to kind of freak out but really just felt a piece about it. It had to have been God because at that price there is no way we could even start to pay for it. I was thinking "What a Christmas present! $1500 in the hole". So anyways I started to call around to different friends and see if they had any ideas on how I could get it cheaper. I called my friend Dave and asked him for ideas and he gave me a few names to call and also said that the church might be able to help out a bit too. So I called around and found a friend of a friend who would do it for $850! That was really good new BUT Catie and I had literally just paid our backed bills so we had almost no money in our account. so I talked to Dave again who had talked to Ken and the board about our situation and they decided that because they could help out and that I could just do some things (audio/video and training) around the church to "pay back" the money! I was really happy. What a blessing. Thank you!

Church has been good lately. Not necessarily the services (although they have been pretty good too) but the people who make the church. And not just because they are helping with the van. It has just felt a lot more family lately. It has been good. Catie and I were just really struggling and there were people who cared enough to talk to us and help us out. It has been good because like I said in one of the past posts... we have been lonely. This convinces me even more about the importance of kinships and convinces me more that people need people. People need people that will hear them and love them. And I have been seeing that lately. In some ways I think being a smaller church will help us rebuild foundational issues that were a part of Lakeshore Vineyard culture... one of those being lack of friendliness. Hopefully being small will help that.

So what else is up.... hmmmm.... I have an interview next week for an Americorps job. It pays not well at all but is almost exactly what I want to be doing right now. As long as I can keep working at Menards it should work out great. It is working with a non-profit called Heights of Hope. It is a ministry focused on connecting with people in the Holland Heights area (mostly the apartment areas that have a lot of trouble). Basically, I get to connect people to each other organize community building events and meet a bunch of new people. I think it will be a stretch but be awesome. I REALLY hope I get the job! And Americorps is a HUGE boost into other non-profit positions... which I am interested in. So be praying that that works out. I need another job right now..... I was just fortunate enough to get to film a wedding last weekend and make a little more money to make our mortgage payment. (But again God is providing... what can I say?)

I think that is all for now. I can't believe everyone is still sleeping and it is 8:15! It is nice but I am hungry and need to do some stuff before we have people over tomorrow!

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear Note to Note

So I got a message from someone who reads my blog.... only I don't know who it is because they sent it from note to note. (For those who don't know note to note sends anonymous email messages). At first I didn't want to read it (due to the earlier anonymous email) but this email was really well written and well thought out. It wasn't a bad message or mean. In fact, it did spur me to think a bit more about what I am doing now and what is best for my family. The email just stressed thinking more about the possibility of moving to get another job somewhere in a church. And because of the email Catie and I started discussing that possibility more last night.

It was a good discussion, it was similar to many we have had before, only this time we were searching all over the country for a job. We didn't really find any (on churchstaffing.com) except maybe one in Texas (which I will most likely send my resume to). BUT we still ran into the same issues with moving that we always do.

Here are our reasons.... not excuses just true feelings and thoughts

#1.We want our kids to have family around them. We already often wish we had grandparents closer to us because we want our kids to have that relationship with them.... and most of them only live an hour or 2 away at most. The further away we move the more alone we will feel... even more than we do now (and there is no way we are going to be paying for 5 plane tickets every year).
#2. We really don't want to move from the area. Although we like our friends around here; that is only a small part of what keeps us around here. We really love Holland and love Michigan... even on days like today. I love the seasons (although I would consider moving to Tennessee or one of the Carolinas maybe).
#3. Catie has a job at the city she loves... with people that love her (after a little more than 6 months).... that is a good job and rare... and there is a good chance she will move up in the next year or two too.
#4. We can't sell our house. For a couple of reasons. First the market is crap and we would lose a bunch of money. Second, a lot of the work we did (to even get our house) was through the county and was supposed to be almost 85% paid for with grants BUT for some reason they only paid like 60% of the improvements (and told us that after the fact). So we have thousands of more dollars added onto our house on a second mortgage. (Now that mortgage has no time period to pay back and no interest... we just would have to pay it back if we sold our house). So if we sell right now and don't make any money then we would be paying back many thousands dollars out of our own pockets... instead of waiting for the value of the house to increase (although I have heard house values will only decrease for years to come). But still being $10,000+ dollars in the hold sounds like a bad move... the job would have to be somewhere in the range of 50-$60,000 a year to make it make sense to try and move.
#5. Because of some rough times we have had lately, our credit is probably not nearly as good as was when we bought our house..... meaning we would live in an apartment or pay a ton of money to a lender to get a house (because we are now "high risk")


What you have to realize is both Catie and I have thought about moving quite a bit... me more than her... but we are almost literally stuck where we are for now. It all seemed like a good idea when we did it. Everything fell into place to buy the house and we just felt like God had blessed us with more house than we could have ever imagined for a really good price. In hindsight, I still might have done it... although there are some things that would make me think twice about it now... moving being one of them... also the housing market crash (but hindsight is 20/20 right?). Anyways, I would have to get the perfect for it all to work out... but I know God is a perfect God and He can do whatever he wants. (In fact Catie said that last night). I also know that if we moved we would make friends. I know that, I make friends pretty easily where ever so the state doesn't matter too much to me.

So all of that said. If I had a job opportunity somewhere else, I would seriously look at it... it just has to be worth the move.... also I don't know if I want to work in a church... but I might, if the church was the right church.... I do miss ministry and church a lot of the times.

It is all so confusing. It makes me tired.... but hopefully I will snag a job somewhere some how soon.

The basic idea of the note was to seriously consider moving if I could find a job doing video some other place

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Doomed!

Its funny I am at home more and have less time to blog... I miss blogging more.



So it seems that the whole US economy is doomed. At least that is what the news says and everyone else seems to think. That is what I feel right now. Seriously, I hate looking for jobs... I am at about 80 resumes and the jobs that I am applying for now are a real stretch. I am just so tired of the whole economy. I really wish I wouldn't have stayed with the church for the final 6 months that I really wanted. I would have had a job otherwise.... and now I have nothing.

Like sucks right now. I can't even tell you... I don't even have the words to say how I am feeling. I just wonder is God listening...? I just sometimes really really wonder that. I think He is... but lately.. I am not sure that is true. I just feel abandoned. I think part of it is my fault but I just feel so alone. So alone. I try to pray but I am getting to the point where I just don't want to anymore. I just wonder, is there a point?

Menards is wearing on me a bit. I don't usually mind the people but I am so angry I just don't care who I piss off anymore. Today, I was mad at a girl in my department who was on a power trip and was trying to tell me what to do (although she has no authority over me)... and before, I probably wouldn't have said anything but lately I have just been so mad. I didn't really snap, I just gave her a dirty look and then ignored what she said to me. Later I apologized (I didn't want to but I felt like God wanted me to do it so I did). I am just so angry inside.....overwhelming anger. Mad at everyone anger. Seriously, what I have I done, that this is life for me?

Noelen has been super naughty the last few weeks. Really bad. Like ate mouse poison, broke all the eggs in the fridge all over the house, made other messes naughty. He was getting up before Catie and doing all of that ) at like 6:30am. So now he is stuck in his room until Catie gets him up. I know he is 3 and super curious. He really is great but I know he knows Catie and I have been fighting and that we both are depressed. (Catie is having a really hard time. I wish she had insurance to go to the doctor but that isn't happening.... and to top it off she has a really bad cavity and we don't have dental insurance either... but the first of the year I am going to get some from Menards). Anyways, like is honestly terrible. I am so freakin tired. It is unbelievable. I wish I could have a break from my kids.... it isn't all them for sure but our house is already stressed right now and then adding in 3 young kids and it is maddening. I know it was our choice to have the kids so close but I thought life would get better as I got older.... it just isn't it is getting worse and I really don't see an end in sight. I am tired of going to food distributions at different churches, I am tired of having no insurance, I am tired of not having a good job, I am tired of kids screaming, I am tired of life kicking me in the face over and over again. Where are the breaks in life? I don't feel like I have made the worse life decisions (I am not into drugs, drinking and stay out of trouble.... Catie and I are both educated.... but we it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Seriously, what the hell?

Its not that I don't want a job. Its more that I need a job that makes it worth getting a babysitter. I can't go work for less than what Catie and I pay a babysitter to watch the kids. It doesn't work... the numbers don't work. I can't go out and "take any job" (as I have been told to) and think I will be any better off. I just doesn't add up. I should have been a teacher or lived somewhere else. Catie asked if I wanted to move today.... I don't, not at all. It makes me angry to think of moving.... and moving would completely screw us over even more financially unless the job was a killer job.

I am running out of time financially and running out of patience with life.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Thanksgiving.... holidays... no relaxing

So it was an ok weekend/week.....

WENESDAY
Wednesday was crazy. I worked, then Catie worked, then I went to run sound at church, then I left and Catie and I dropped off Soe and Noelen with Catie's mom (until we went down to see the family on Friday). Then we went shopping for food making supplies.

THURSDAY
Thursday was nice, it was just me Catie and Jude. We went to church and had thanksgiving, which was fun and relaxing.... I could have stayed longer. The food was good. I mad a sour cream apple pie and southwest black bean soup... they both turned out pretty good (especially since I had never made either of them). I was pretty impressed with myself.... I cooked the black beans from dried ones..... and let me tell you... that takes a long time. It took about 3 hours or more... but the soup was good, so it was worth it. In fact all of the food was really good. Barry had a turkey that he raised himself... it was tasty. So were the mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry punch. mmmmmmmmmmm.... I could go for all of that right now.

FRIDAY
Then on Friday I worked at Menards and Catie went shopping... @ 3:30 am ... she is insane. Work for me was crazy but very entertaining and the time went by fast. People are crazy on black Friday but a lot of them are actually really nice and just having a great time shopping. As long as they are having fun, they are really easy to deal with. The only frustrating part was the manager from plumbing asking "Are you doing anything or just wandering around". My first thought was, "Are you serious?" This was after I had just walked a customer to another side of the store and on the way back to my department I looked at a faucet for literally 20 seconds.... I didn't even really stop. So I said back, "What are you doing?" He didn't know what to say, because he was doing the same thing I was doing. I think he was mad at that response but I am a hard worker and the manager is 2 years older than me. I know I probably won't get in trouble for it... not a great response but seriously.... I don't need to be bullied around, just because some dude needs to use his power.

Menards is a hard place to work for me sometimes. I know that I could be a manager and probably do a better job then some of the managers but being a morning stocker we are mere peons. It has been humbling... as most of my life has been as of late. But I guess all you can do it just keep being humbled. It sucks sometimes but I learn a lot.

Anyways, Friday night Catie and I drove to Catie's mom's house. It was good to see Noelen and Soe again, they were excited to see us but they were more excited to see Jude (which was cool). Then we chilled and ate pizza.... so it was pretty ok.

SATURDAY

Saturday morning I woke up at 7:30 and watched TV and played with the kids. We were supposed to meet Catie's mom and her boyfriend at a restaurant for lunch (and Noelen's b-day) at 11:30 but Soe pooped all over herself at 11:00am and I got it all over the only pair of pants I brought so we didn't get to the restaurant until about 12:00 but it was ok. The food was pretty good. I ate shrimp but the kids were all grumpy and ready to nap.. so it was hard to sit down and eat as always. Catie's mom brought presents to the restaurant but the kids were so crazy we made Noelen go out to the van to open his presents... he got a couple trucks and a stuffed snake... he loved it. Then we took the kids home to nap for a bit (a few hours). Catie took a nap too and I watched a bit of football (there just wasn't much good on). Then at 4:30 we went to Catie's dad's thanksgiving. It was pretty fun. We had really good pizza, I played catch/football with Catie's 2 younger cousins and then I watched Alabama slap around Clemson. Then Noelen opened a few more presents (good day for him) and we all ate cake and ice cream. Then we went home and put the kids to bed. Then I watched Oklahoma slap around Oklahoma State... and fell asleep until 5:30am..

SUNDAY

I woke up to hear Jude crying and hungry at 5:30am. I thought it was only 3:30 (there are no clocks around) but I was strangely awake... so I watched the History channel until 6:30 when the rest of the kids woke up. Then I played with the kids for a few hours and drove down 45 minutes to pick up Catie's grandma. When we got back to the house we found out no one was really coming to the dinner except immediate family (like 3 more people besides my kids). So we had a lot to eat.... but the food wasn't very good, seeing Catie's mom is not the best cook.... and the turkey was dry again.... every year.... this year at least she made it have more flavor. So ate and watched football for as long as possible (about an hour) and then we left to come back home (3:30 so we got home about 5:00ish). It was good to be home.....


So that is Thanksgiving.... now we get to do it all again in 3 weeks (only with more families)... yeah! Holidays are so relaxing and fun!