A Once a Weeker

Yeah, I haven't been posting that much lately. I guess I have just been busy and drained. I just have had a hard time getting myself to write lately. In fact I have had a hard time getting myself to do anything that takes a lot of thought lately. I think blogging is hard because I have kids that scream at me all the time during the day, but I think it is mainly hard because in blogging I usually reflect on life... which I don't really want to do right now.

But here is my reflections as of late.

Ok, seriously Catie and I have been fighting a lot and as much as I would like to pass the blame onto her... a lot of it is me. I am sure a lot of it is me... I can feel it. I am frustrated by a much of what she does... and it isn't any different than what she used to do. I am just snappy... at her and the kids. But probably more at her lately. I can just feel it.... I feel all crappy inside and I am always tired. That could have something to do with me getting up with Jude every night once or twice a night but I have a feeling it is because I am a bit depressed too.

I also have noticed I am more mean, cocky and snappy to other people. Catie said something about me being more cocky lately. And honestly, I couldn't disagree... I have been kind of jerky lately to a lot of people... just really short, really opinionated and all about what I want... so if anyone is reading that I have been a jerk too, I am sorry. I have learned that a lot of my cockiness comes from my being unsure of who I am (so apparently experts are right when they say that people over compensate when they are unsure of themselves).

I just feel lost. I realize how much of my identity comes from what I do... which I know as a Christian is not a good idea. I need to spend more time with God. Just crying out and listening (I need to listen more). I just don't know if God is listening anymore... I mean really... I know God is listening but... sometimes... I wonder. Ken was talking about asking and receiving from God... I just don't know why I don't have a job yet. I will say that without the insurance money that we got we would be a month or 2 behind on our house payments. Also there have been little things here and there that give us money (from friends to relatives to me getting a tiny side project that will give me a $100 or so.

I just wonder where God is... God I know you are out there but I am having terrible faith right now. I just pray that you give me more faith... true faith, no worries, just a peace in knowing that I can't do it but you can.

I just feel lost right now. And really tired. I could pretty much sleep at anytime... like right now :) a nap would be good. All that being said, I have gotten to work on my basement and house a lot and I have got to spend time with my kids a lot more... although sometimes I don't like that...

So all that to say. I really need God more than a job. I am really disappointed in myself for having such little faith. (I am disappointed in myself for a lot of stuff right now but mostly, I
wish I could have stood strong in faith through this time).

So I guess all I need right now is a good time with God. Hopefully that will be a cure-all.