Wow... one of those days I guess.
So today everyone was really tense at work today... or at least it seemed like everyone was a but tense today (including me). I guess it was one of those weird days where everyone seems to be mad or acting strange. From the people at work to my kids at home everyone was pretty grumpy today. I was frustrated about job stuff today, just really wondering where God wants me to be and what he wants me doing... One thing I did realize was that God will use me wherever I am. I've been trying to follow God's leading more at work lately and in the last 2 days I've gotten to pray for 2 different people.
It has been cool. I just have felt, God saying "pray for them" and I find myself thinking, "Do I have to? Right here?" But I have been trying to do it. I got to pray for one guys back that has been hurting him really bad and today I asked if I could pray for a guy (who is 21) who caught his wife cheating on him and is getting a divorce. He is kind of a different guy but he is really nice and really open. He is hurting a lot and just wanted to talk to anyone and everyone that would listen to him. So I listen and then was walking out of the store and felt like I should go back in and pray with him. Now beside working with this guy a little bit, I have felt a connection because he and his wife had a baby girl a day before Catie and I (and they were in the hospital at the same time we were).... so there is a connection there.
But man does that ever suck. It just broke my heart to see him.... filled with emotion... fighting back tears with anger. Cursing her and in the same breath saying how much he loves her and is hurt by her.... I even felt like crying... my heart just breaks for that situation... him, her, their daughter...... God just be present in that situation. Bring wisdom to him and clarity her to see what she is doing.
So yeah, it was a stressful day. I was glad to pray with the guy but would have rather prayed under different circumstances..... wow......
But on a brighter note Catie didn't go into work until later and she and I got to drive up to Grand Haven and drove along the Lakeshore on the way home (which was really pretty).
And now there are people outside digging up all of my pipes and so I will have no water today.
Oh, boy...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
So
So people are funny. I just think that people watching is fun. I was at work this morning and I just found myself laughing at how quirky people are... it's just funny. I am sure if someone watched me they would think I was funny too (so I am not making fun of anyone). There is one lady in particular that is always kind of high strung. She make me laugh because literally almost everyday she rushes around the entire store, in a paranoid fashion, looking frantically for he little white ladder and most of the time it is an aisle over from where she started..... it is funny because she asks every person she sees if they have seen her ladder.... I don't know I guess you just have to be there.
I always hate going back too the weekdays..... the weekends are so nice. Not that I hate going to Menards... I just feel like I can relax for just a minute and not worry about a job or really anything on the weekends. When I am at home I think about a job almost every minute.... it seems. I just don't know why I can't find anything. Catie and I have to be pushing close to 60 resumes and applications sent out by now. And I am sending apps for almost anything that is out there. Its a bad time to have been cut from a job... but that is probably what everyone who got laid-off thinks...
So I have been thinking that I still want to be in ministry I just don't know where I fit of if I will ever fit.... I do know I need to work out some stuff personally. This job thing (and my life in general) has really tested my faith and patience (and I have failed my times). I am trying to figure out if I just want to steer clear of ministry and make money for now. I just want a regular job that would be nice. There is a [art of me that wonders if I should be applying for youth pastor positions.... I am not sure that is what I am called to do but I really have enjoyed the teens lately (a lot more than the last few years) And that would be "working towards what I want to do later in life".... at least I think it would. But I don't know if I could do that. I don't know that I could grow a youth ministry.... and youth pastors don't make much.... but I would be in minstry and I would begin to work towards doing other minstry that way. I don't know... I am just thinking out loud.
So I don't know what to do but what I do know is the longer I am away from doing ministry stuff the more I want to do it. I would love to just pour myself into church but I have 3 kids under 3 at home and a house that needs major work so I am not exactly in a position to do a lot without it being my job. I am heard the "you can volunteer anytime" from people and I think.... "I know, why don't you just volunteer instead of working at a church"..... because you (like me) feel a bigger calling to people and ministry that can't be done in a few hours.
So I don't know. I don't think Catie is excited about me in minstry which doesn't help. I mentioned it to her about the youth thing and she rolled her eyes.... but I don't want to be a car salesman either....
I always hate going back too the weekdays..... the weekends are so nice. Not that I hate going to Menards... I just feel like I can relax for just a minute and not worry about a job or really anything on the weekends. When I am at home I think about a job almost every minute.... it seems. I just don't know why I can't find anything. Catie and I have to be pushing close to 60 resumes and applications sent out by now. And I am sending apps for almost anything that is out there. Its a bad time to have been cut from a job... but that is probably what everyone who got laid-off thinks...
So I have been thinking that I still want to be in ministry I just don't know where I fit of if I will ever fit.... I do know I need to work out some stuff personally. This job thing (and my life in general) has really tested my faith and patience (and I have failed my times). I am trying to figure out if I just want to steer clear of ministry and make money for now. I just want a regular job that would be nice. There is a [art of me that wonders if I should be applying for youth pastor positions.... I am not sure that is what I am called to do but I really have enjoyed the teens lately (a lot more than the last few years) And that would be "working towards what I want to do later in life".... at least I think it would. But I don't know if I could do that. I don't know that I could grow a youth ministry.... and youth pastors don't make much.... but I would be in minstry and I would begin to work towards doing other minstry that way. I don't know... I am just thinking out loud.
So I don't know what to do but what I do know is the longer I am away from doing ministry stuff the more I want to do it. I would love to just pour myself into church but I have 3 kids under 3 at home and a house that needs major work so I am not exactly in a position to do a lot without it being my job. I am heard the "you can volunteer anytime" from people and I think.... "I know, why don't you just volunteer instead of working at a church"..... because you (like me) feel a bigger calling to people and ministry that can't be done in a few hours.
So I don't know. I don't think Catie is excited about me in minstry which doesn't help. I mentioned it to her about the youth thing and she rolled her eyes.... but I don't want to be a car salesman either....
Friday, October 24, 2008
Well.... no job yet
So yesterday I had an interview that I thought went really well. It was for a Audio book company in Grand Haven Michigan. At first the idea of the whole thing sounded really good but as I listen to more of what I would have to do at the interview the less I like the idea. So here is the problem. They record books. ALL BOOKS. EVERY BOOK YOU CAN THINK OF. Romance novels, Playboy books, Horror books, New Age stuff.... EVERY book. So basically I would sit in a dark room (literally) with no window even close to me.... and either edit and/or record any and all books 8 hrs a day everyday..... so that is what I would be filling my head with.... I have had suggestions to ask if I can avoid those kinds of books... which could work, but how do I ask not to do ANY horror, pornish stuff, and new agey stuff if that is my job and they told me I would have to do it? How do I say, "Yeah, I won't do 30% of the books you record".
There were other warning signs too. One being that my future boss, was not actually nice to me... and it was only my interview. She asked me if I had had any other jobs besides my church work and freelance. And I said "When, like recently? Or growing up?" And then I tried to look at my resume (that was on the table) to see if there was some kind of time gap she was looking at and she said in a snotty voice " This is you, right? You are Josh, right?" At first I started to smile and then I just realized she wasn't being nice. I just said, "Yeah that's me".
Then she laughed at the amount of money I asked for and said "Especially because you have no experience in this area and are only 2 years out of college". Then she told me there was basically no way I would even make close to the amount I asked for.
So if you can at least be fake nice the first day but she wasn't.... I am a little nervous about that. The interview was really intense too. Like 5 people were there drilling me with questions and then I had to go into a studio and record some stuff... which was ok but weird because I have never recorded spoken word... but had to use equipment I've never seen and record the voice "properly". It was intense.
So here is a list of the goods and bads
Good
I would have a job that paid me
I would be using my degree in some form
I would get experience
We wouldn't need a babysitter at first until they changed the times
Bad
The boss is seemingly not nice
I would have to record stuff that I am morally against
I have to sit in a dark room alone listening to stuff I don't like (which is what I liked less and less at church)
I am not going to get paid that much
I will see Catie 1 hour a day
I can't do youth group or worship practice or anything on Friday nights
I have to listen to crap....
So off the top of my head that is it. But I am getting more and more nervous about paying the bills. This is a tough situation to be in. You start to see who/what you really trust and who is there to help you through.
There were other warning signs too. One being that my future boss, was not actually nice to me... and it was only my interview. She asked me if I had had any other jobs besides my church work and freelance. And I said "When, like recently? Or growing up?" And then I tried to look at my resume (that was on the table) to see if there was some kind of time gap she was looking at and she said in a snotty voice " This is you, right? You are Josh, right?" At first I started to smile and then I just realized she wasn't being nice. I just said, "Yeah that's me".
Then she laughed at the amount of money I asked for and said "Especially because you have no experience in this area and are only 2 years out of college". Then she told me there was basically no way I would even make close to the amount I asked for.
So if you can at least be fake nice the first day but she wasn't.... I am a little nervous about that. The interview was really intense too. Like 5 people were there drilling me with questions and then I had to go into a studio and record some stuff... which was ok but weird because I have never recorded spoken word... but had to use equipment I've never seen and record the voice "properly". It was intense.
So here is a list of the goods and bads
Good
I would have a job that paid me
I would be using my degree in some form
I would get experience
We wouldn't need a babysitter at first until they changed the times
Bad
The boss is seemingly not nice
I would have to record stuff that I am morally against
I have to sit in a dark room alone listening to stuff I don't like (which is what I liked less and less at church)
I am not going to get paid that much
I will see Catie 1 hour a day
I can't do youth group or worship practice or anything on Friday nights
I have to listen to crap....
So off the top of my head that is it. But I am getting more and more nervous about paying the bills. This is a tough situation to be in. You start to see who/what you really trust and who is there to help you through.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
convicted
seriously a lot of times I get more out of Wednesday nights then other times. It was a good Wednesday night for me.
I think I had vented a lot of my frustrations and felt genuinely listened too (which I normally feel listened to).
So tonight the talk was about watching your tongue and I was just convicted about not always being nice... in fact I felt bad about some of the stuff I wrote in my last post. I has being really harsh and not very building up of people. In fact I was embarrassed of some of what I said. So first off I say sorry to all who read it. And secondly, I deleted it... one of those times that you want the words back but it is a bit too late.
I do follow up by saying this. Ken is a great guy, I think he is a great administrator and that he really does care about people. He cares about me and I know that. I just don't think he is leading the church to reach the next generation. The same is true of Ann. She is a really hard worker and puts in a lot of time into children's ministry and women's ministry, but like Ken I often found that she likes what she is comfortable with, which is often not changing. But I love them all. They have done a lot for me and my family. I have learned a lot. And whether I am around LVC for a long time is not really their problem. They are trying but sometimes it doesn't work if you aren't passionate about something.
I also would hate to see Ken go from the church. I think he is a great Associate pastor... not just a good administrative guy.
It is a tough situation. I am kind of glad I am not being dumped on (like they often get)... but I also wish I was a part of it.... I do miss the discussion part when I was apart of it.
Yeah so again I apologize I think it was a bit to much of a vent.... I often just free flow my thoughts on my blog.... which doesn't always work because people actually read it.
So, I am sorry!
I think I had vented a lot of my frustrations and felt genuinely listened too (which I normally feel listened to).
So tonight the talk was about watching your tongue and I was just convicted about not always being nice... in fact I felt bad about some of the stuff I wrote in my last post. I has being really harsh and not very building up of people. In fact I was embarrassed of some of what I said. So first off I say sorry to all who read it. And secondly, I deleted it... one of those times that you want the words back but it is a bit too late.
I do follow up by saying this. Ken is a great guy, I think he is a great administrator and that he really does care about people. He cares about me and I know that. I just don't think he is leading the church to reach the next generation. The same is true of Ann. She is a really hard worker and puts in a lot of time into children's ministry and women's ministry, but like Ken I often found that she likes what she is comfortable with, which is often not changing. But I love them all. They have done a lot for me and my family. I have learned a lot. And whether I am around LVC for a long time is not really their problem. They are trying but sometimes it doesn't work if you aren't passionate about something.
I also would hate to see Ken go from the church. I think he is a great Associate pastor... not just a good administrative guy.
It is a tough situation. I am kind of glad I am not being dumped on (like they often get)... but I also wish I was a part of it.... I do miss the discussion part when I was apart of it.
Yeah so again I apologize I think it was a bit to much of a vent.... I often just free flow my thoughts on my blog.... which doesn't always work because people actually read it.
So, I am sorry!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Better days
I have had a better few days lately. I am not too sure why because I still don't have a job (maybe it was the prayers).
Anyways, yeah... things have just been better. I did hear back from one job at a church on the east side of the state BUT I doubt I would take it. Moving wouldn't be worth it and I think I would rather work in at most other jobs over here then move. Plus we would lose a bunch of money on our house and I don't know if I want to work at a church.... just sell out to make money at a church that I don't want to be at probably is a bad idea. And Catie wouldn't like it. But next weekend I think Catie and I are going to visit.... at least that is the plan.
On the other hand, nothing on the job front here. Hopefully soon.
The family is doing well. The kids are pretty healthy. I had a good weekend working on a video and watching football. I won in fantasy football in both leagues. Oh, and I FINALLY did something active (football) after my.... procedure. It had been way too long. Yep. So it was a pretty good weekend. And now it has cooled down again... which I like. Back to hoodies and jeans.
On a completely different subject.
I am still trying to evaluate what I think about church. It has been hard lately as Catie hasn't really wanted to go either. I just want to be excited to go to church.... and I know a lot of that is my own issue I have to deal with. I am excited about looking to get a new lead pastor though. I think that could be cool as long as he doesn't get rid of everyone that is already there. I just hope it is a progressive vineyard guy. I am out of the loop now so I don't know what is going on as far as searching goes.
I do miss doing stuff at church. I miss brainstorming.... although at the end of my stay we did very little of that. I also miss the creative stuff throughout the church. Dave does a good job but he doesn't have as much time to invest. I hope we do more series that are thought up by our leadership.... I just feel like we are losing some of the personality when we do "big church" series... but what do I know? (well I do know what I like.... and I like to hear from the people at our church). But again I am not around and videos take real time.... and time is not what people on staff have. I also miss talking to people.... that was my favorite part. But again as time went on and Catie got her job I wasn't around so people were less likely to talk... including me.
SO that is all for now. It has been good to step back for a while.... the only problem is I am not excited about anything that is going on at church right now..... I want to be excited and be inspired.... I just am not.... and I don't think that is anyones fault... our church just feels kind of.... depressed.... that is at least what is seems... but it could just be me.
Anyways, yeah... things have just been better. I did hear back from one job at a church on the east side of the state BUT I doubt I would take it. Moving wouldn't be worth it and I think I would rather work in at most other jobs over here then move. Plus we would lose a bunch of money on our house and I don't know if I want to work at a church.... just sell out to make money at a church that I don't want to be at probably is a bad idea. And Catie wouldn't like it. But next weekend I think Catie and I are going to visit.... at least that is the plan.
On the other hand, nothing on the job front here. Hopefully soon.
The family is doing well. The kids are pretty healthy. I had a good weekend working on a video and watching football. I won in fantasy football in both leagues. Oh, and I FINALLY did something active (football) after my.... procedure. It had been way too long. Yep. So it was a pretty good weekend. And now it has cooled down again... which I like. Back to hoodies and jeans.
On a completely different subject.
I am still trying to evaluate what I think about church. It has been hard lately as Catie hasn't really wanted to go either. I just want to be excited to go to church.... and I know a lot of that is my own issue I have to deal with. I am excited about looking to get a new lead pastor though. I think that could be cool as long as he doesn't get rid of everyone that is already there. I just hope it is a progressive vineyard guy. I am out of the loop now so I don't know what is going on as far as searching goes.
I do miss doing stuff at church. I miss brainstorming.... although at the end of my stay we did very little of that. I also miss the creative stuff throughout the church. Dave does a good job but he doesn't have as much time to invest. I hope we do more series that are thought up by our leadership.... I just feel like we are losing some of the personality when we do "big church" series... but what do I know? (well I do know what I like.... and I like to hear from the people at our church). But again I am not around and videos take real time.... and time is not what people on staff have. I also miss talking to people.... that was my favorite part. But again as time went on and Catie got her job I wasn't around so people were less likely to talk... including me.
SO that is all for now. It has been good to step back for a while.... the only problem is I am not excited about anything that is going on at church right now..... I want to be excited and be inspired.... I just am not.... and I don't think that is anyones fault... our church just feels kind of.... depressed.... that is at least what is seems... but it could just be me.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I wonder where
I wonder where God is taking me. Where ever it is I don't know how much longer I can wait. I got offered a few more hours at Menards but it would mean paying a babysitter the same amount as I am making at work therefore nullifying the extra hours I work. I may make a few more dollars a month but I would work on Saturday and Sunday every week and never know what my schedule was going to be. I am better off with a factory job. Remind me again why I went to college? Oh, that's right so I could have more debit I couldn't pay off.... at least that is what it seems.
I am nervous about making house payments this month.... hopefully we don't lose our house. Well, God this is on you... I have no freaking idea what you want me to do now. I thought everything was working out in life. I thought I would actually be getting more hours at church (or at least get to keep my hours I had.... that is what I was told at least) and then.... bam... just like that I have no job and can find work ANYWHERE. This sucks. Really it does. What the heck. I find myself angry and baffled. I do still enjoy spending time with my kids but I am stressed all the time and therefore much less pleasant to be around.
So..... yeah. I just wonder where I will end up. Will this all be worth it? Maybe..... maybe not. Hopefully I will land somewhere on my feet. This is one of those times that I say do I trust God? Really trust? And right now the answer seems to be... kind of... but not really. I thought this would be at least a little bit easier.... but it is not and we as a family continue to be crushed by finances.
I am nervous about making house payments this month.... hopefully we don't lose our house. Well, God this is on you... I have no freaking idea what you want me to do now. I thought everything was working out in life. I thought I would actually be getting more hours at church (or at least get to keep my hours I had.... that is what I was told at least) and then.... bam... just like that I have no job and can find work ANYWHERE. This sucks. Really it does. What the heck. I find myself angry and baffled. I do still enjoy spending time with my kids but I am stressed all the time and therefore much less pleasant to be around.
So..... yeah. I just wonder where I will end up. Will this all be worth it? Maybe..... maybe not. Hopefully I will land somewhere on my feet. This is one of those times that I say do I trust God? Really trust? And right now the answer seems to be... kind of... but not really. I thought this would be at least a little bit easier.... but it is not and we as a family continue to be crushed by finances.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Monday
So it is Monday. Another Monday.... today has been an ok day. I am still recovering from a certain surgery that was supposed to be a short recovery BUT it hasn't been... there have been a few complications... but I think it will be done soon hopefully (everything is pretty much ok but it is just taking a bit more time than normal.
I still have no job.... and I am running out of job perspectives.... I hate this... it is stupid.. yeah yeah the economy and what not; I know I know. I just don't know what to do. I did hear a good word from a message I heard yesterday. The pastor said, " Maybe you are in your financial situation because that is were God wants you right now". And I thought.... wow that really hits me... but it also made me say, "What am I supposed to be doing right now, then?" Because this whole not working thing is not working...I really should send more time with God.
So I don't know what to do. I am just left waiting and waiting and waiting. I am not doing all that well. I fell kind of like I just want to run away and hide. I have no patience for anyone ... it is hard. I just am left unsure of what to do. I am tired and unhappy. I just have no ... anything... I don't know... I am done... I feel done for now... I just want to run away from everything.
AFTER A BREAK:
So I went to church to finish editing a wedding video I did a while ago. It went pretty well. It was a cool wedding where they really worshiped... it was refreshing for me to see the groom so in love with God. It was nice to just sit and zone for a while (editing). I got a chance to talk to Dave for a few minutes which was cool too. I was telling him about the message on Sunday that I heard at WOW. Hopefully he wasn't mad I went there to check it out and skipped his (I suspect he didn't care much at all). But it was cool to think back on why I liked the message... I was a bit surprised that I remembered as much as I did. Dave asked what the message was about...(sometimes I think Dave asks what a message was about that you said was "really good" just to see if you actually remember what it was about..... but I remembered!)
Anyways, I really would like to edit more as I am just finding my groove but I am just dumping in footage for like 45 minutes so I don't know if i will stay.
I still have no job.... and I am running out of job perspectives.... I hate this... it is stupid.. yeah yeah the economy and what not; I know I know. I just don't know what to do. I did hear a good word from a message I heard yesterday. The pastor said, " Maybe you are in your financial situation because that is were God wants you right now". And I thought.... wow that really hits me... but it also made me say, "What am I supposed to be doing right now, then?" Because this whole not working thing is not working...I really should send more time with God.
So I don't know what to do. I am just left waiting and waiting and waiting. I am not doing all that well. I fell kind of like I just want to run away and hide. I have no patience for anyone ... it is hard. I just am left unsure of what to do. I am tired and unhappy. I just have no ... anything... I don't know... I am done... I feel done for now... I just want to run away from everything.
AFTER A BREAK:
So I went to church to finish editing a wedding video I did a while ago. It went pretty well. It was a cool wedding where they really worshiped... it was refreshing for me to see the groom so in love with God. It was nice to just sit and zone for a while (editing). I got a chance to talk to Dave for a few minutes which was cool too. I was telling him about the message on Sunday that I heard at WOW. Hopefully he wasn't mad I went there to check it out and skipped his (I suspect he didn't care much at all). But it was cool to think back on why I liked the message... I was a bit surprised that I remembered as much as I did. Dave asked what the message was about...(sometimes I think Dave asks what a message was about that you said was "really good" just to see if you actually remember what it was about..... but I remembered!)
Anyways, I really would like to edit more as I am just finding my groove but I am just dumping in footage for like 45 minutes so I don't know if i will stay.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Oct 1st
October... here we go. Hopefully it will be better than September.... as far as a job goes at least. I like the colder weather.... it makes me like being warm and I love fall and the leaves changing.. it is awesome.
So I have thought about the job across state quite a bit... I am leaning towards no... but more because I don't even know how passionate I would be about doing tech stuff all the time, especially in a church setting for now... I have to figure the whole ministry/work thing out before I think about that... but it wouldn't hurt to send in a resume.
Today is a tough day for me. At least a bit tough. I am just having a hard time with the whole job thing. Along with trying to find a job I am trying to figure out where I want to go in life. Will this be a stepping stone for what I really want to do? Maybe? But I don't know what I actually want to do... so that is the problem. Right now I would just take a job that paid me ok and wasn't horrible. I would like to find a job that cares that I went to college... that would be nice but it doesn't seem to be happening right now.
Catie found another job I am applying for... it is a marketing assistant or something like that. It doesn't sound awesome but I could do it I need a quick crash coarse refresher for photoshop though. That would be good. I just am so tired of everything right now. I am tired of not working. The plus side of not working is ok sometimes (especially since it is giving me the chance to finish up on a few projects).
Well more to come on the job front hopefully soon. Otherwise life is going ok. We are surviving right now.
So I have thought about the job across state quite a bit... I am leaning towards no... but more because I don't even know how passionate I would be about doing tech stuff all the time, especially in a church setting for now... I have to figure the whole ministry/work thing out before I think about that... but it wouldn't hurt to send in a resume.
Today is a tough day for me. At least a bit tough. I am just having a hard time with the whole job thing. Along with trying to find a job I am trying to figure out where I want to go in life. Will this be a stepping stone for what I really want to do? Maybe? But I don't know what I actually want to do... so that is the problem. Right now I would just take a job that paid me ok and wasn't horrible. I would like to find a job that cares that I went to college... that would be nice but it doesn't seem to be happening right now.
Catie found another job I am applying for... it is a marketing assistant or something like that. It doesn't sound awesome but I could do it I need a quick crash coarse refresher for photoshop though. That would be good. I just am so tired of everything right now. I am tired of not working. The plus side of not working is ok sometimes (especially since it is giving me the chance to finish up on a few projects).
Well more to come on the job front hopefully soon. Otherwise life is going ok. We are surviving right now.
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