Hmmmm...

I don't know what to write about today.... or this week. It has been a crazy week and I have been writing to people on Facebook. *SIGH*

This week was more ministry time... it was really frustrating.... very very frustrating. The issue hit kind of close to home so it was harder I think (it involved people I know really well but because I know them I can talk to them more about the stuff they are going through).. BUT.... Dang people... why are you so hard? Yet, I love people so much that I can't seem to stay away from them. I want to know people's personal lives and not to just be nosy... I really want to know people and hear their hearts. Now I do have to continue to work on listening more than talking but it is in progress.

Anyways, it was a long week. I have a lot to talk about but I am also kind of burned out.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is the American Church at large.... I just don't know what I think about the way we do ministry (most places). In fact, I don't even think the whole stucture of it is nescessarly so much Biblical as it is traditional. I just don't know. IN my heart of hearts I want to get more involved in my church and be on staff full time and do all of that BUT can I back the church... do I always believe in what I am doing there? Is it all fluff, just more Christian "schmuck"... to fill our time and keep the traditions going? Sometimes I think so.

You see this has come about through me really looking at the church lately (what we do and why we do it). And how that matches up with the Bible. (I should do more research). I just fear we might be doing a lot of it wrong... I fear we are just like everyone else in a lot of ways... just feeding the people what they like... I don't know.

A lot of my questioning comes from my up-bringing.

I grew up in a super christian home. We listened to Christian music and went to church every chance we had (at least early on). But then a couple of things happened.

#1. When I was about 9-10 the pastor of our long time church... started spreading a bunch of rumors about my parents and other families in the church who were really involved... (and there was a lot of other messed up stuff going on at the church (from abuses in spiritual gifts to other crazy stuff)) But, anyways...

#2. And it is probably the bigger one... My mom & dad raised my sisters and I to be perfect conservative Christians. They en grained it into us... "the ways of a Christian"... go to church read your bible, don't drink, don't swear, don't have sex before marriage... now don't get me wrong without my up bringing I wouldn't be were I am today and a lot of that stuff is biblical.

But then one day my parents got a divorce and my dad left my mom for a guy.... and left me thinking all of that stuff... all of that Christianese mumbo jumbo, was just a good way to raise your kids? Part of it was just an act by my dad (and he is not alone in this... so many people who go to church have "other sides to them")... So is a lot of Christian stuff... a lot of Church stuff just bull shit? Sometimes I wonder... it didn't affect my dad in a lot of ways (now he does still go to church and doesn't drink or swear and I think he loves God... but is he living the true Christian life? Or just our Americanized.... cheap plastic made in China version... All of this just made me question... are we as a church really making an impact... I so often feel... the church all of this Christianity... just isn't truth to me anymore... it is tradition and good moral suggestion... not truth... not absolute truth.... not Jesus Christ.

But.... I don't know what is then. I know there are truths within the church but who is Jesus in this world. What am I supposed to do in everyday life? I just don't really know.

I love my church family, I really do.... sometimes I just question what I am doing.