Holding on to the Past

Music has a funny way of bringing people back to the place and time when they used to listen to a certain song or certain music. It is really weird. I have always believed that music has a much deeper spiritual side that we so often overlook. I really think it has a link to our spiritual life... our spiritual side as humans.

So anyways at work they have changed the normal music played everyday (of oldies and country) to a crazy mix of everything you can possibly think of from the 70's to the 90's from the Beetles to Garth Brooks. So this change in music has been really good. I was really starting to hate the same oldies songs every day (surprisingly the country songs were less annoying because oldies are played from 6am-9am and country is 9am-10am (or at least I leave at 10)). So anyways the songs that people most often connect with life seem to be high school ( at least that is how it is for me). So they are playing a lot of songs from the late 90's that were on the radio when I was a teenager and man does that bring back a lot of emotions and thoughts.

I have found myself just really longing for those times in high school...those times for me were just really fun, for the most part. I was free. Free to do what I wanted, to a certain extent of course... but I really had fun. I had good friends... I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to answer to anyone (like my kids or a wife... I did have parents but that is different). I am sure if I went back to that age I wouldn't want to be it again... if for one reason alone, just the fact that kids are... well... stupid at times. But anyways, I just think of late summer nights hanging out with my friend Travis, dating Catie (hanging out on the beach), going to Indiana to see Catie and go to youth group just lots of really relaxing memories. Now one thing I did notice in all of my reminiscing was that all of the memories for the most part were outside things (ok, I have a MASSIVE case of cabin fever this year). But still I find myself... seriously LONGING, for those less stressful times... those... more innocent and honestly, more naive times. My parents were together, I had a seemingly normal family.

Now today, I guess reality has caught up to my family and my friends. My parents recently got a divorce (like a year or 2 ago). My mom is dating someone now and my dad has decided he is gay (that is weird for me to post online... but it is true so that is reality). My best friend Travis is still my good friend and now lives is GR but during college he came out too... My wife Catie and I have 2 1/2 kids, a 2 year old and a 11 month old and one more due in June. So we will have 3 under 3 (ok that change I had a little more to do with than the others). And less than a year ago we bought a house. So all of that plus all the bills are riding on me to pay them. (Now to some people that sound stupid that I complain about all the bills on me but you have to realize that when Catie and I were dating and in college she was a career driven girl... I didn't think she would support me but I figured it would be a shared responsibility... less stress on both and more money of us. I didn't foresee me doing ministry and Menards to make all the ends meet (now that is my choice though and I like it better than other options). But still I never saw this coming in high school or college for that matter.

Now I am not a "planner" personality. I like to fly by the seat of my pants. I always did well in school and I thought that translated into a easier life, at least that is what I was told
(college + working hard and doing well = good money, a good job and an easier life)

The reality is life is stressful... at least right now

Now don't get me wrong I love my family tons and love my friends... but I just didn't see this coming. I didn't see life coming.. my childhood was easy... I guess the hard stuff just hit me late all in a couple of years.

I am just realizing that I am tired. And I sit here and I question if being tired, is just life... that is what life is. That is what my dad said to me... but I just never believed him. I still don't know of I believe him.... if I want to believe him. I being tired and not very happy a lot is a crappy life. My problem is I am trying to learn the reality of being a employee, a husband and I dad and doing fun stuff too. Because sometimes I want to do too much fun and other times I just don't do enough fun. In all of this I am trying to figure out if wanting all that freedom in my past is bad. I Don't know if it is wrong to really miss that; and in a way really want that time in my life back. I know it will never happen and I know that I shouldn't try to live in that past but at times... I sure as heck do miss it.

I miss being able to breath... and enjoy my surroundings... I just don't do that enough now.